how do you tell your parents about being transgendered

[Ryan]

I wrote my mum a letter and left it for her to find.
Her response was fantastic:

Ryan,
Thankyou for your honesty, and no I'm not completely shocked because I have guessed, well, felt your struggle over the past year or two, and I have worried that you haven't been able to confide in me until now.
I love you completely and un-reservedly for the person that you are, and not whether you fit in socially as male or female. You are such a wonderful character with a fantastic sense of humour and you have always made me very proud.
I think that you should choose your own middle name - something that you have always wanted as your name? I'm honoured that you have chosen Ryan (yes, I would have called you that if you had been born a boy). I'm so pleased that you are starting to feel happier with yourself. I have only ever wanted you to be happy.
Forgive me if it takes me a while to get used to your new name - you know I'm bound to forget!!! LOL!
I LOVE YOU TOO (always)
Mum xxx

[j83]

I just told my mum outright.. it was a few months after my gran had passed away and we were spending more time together talking about life and things.

I simply said that i felt like i'd been born in the wrong body and that i didn't think i could go on living as a girl. She was completely fine with it and said looking back on things, it seemed so obvious. She came with me to the Doctors surgery so i could be referred to a gender psychologist and the rest is history.

Shes been with me every step of the way. My first T shot, paying for my chest surgery, right through to supporting me through phallo surgery.

I'm a very lucky guy.

[Crow]

I came out to my mom by writing her a letter and including a couple helpful articles. She initially responded by writing me a letter that basically said, "I accept you but I don't agree with you. I have no intentions of ever calling you by your preferred pronoun, but if you want new clothes I can buy you some, etc. etc." Chock full of mixed messages, but not too bad in the grand scheme of things.

That was oh... 4 months ago? She's gotten less accepting as time goes on, it seems. Her stances on the situation have encompassed everything from, "You're mentally ill and will never be successful in life" to "It's just a phase that you picked up from your crazy internet friends."

On the bright side, she's paying for my name change (which has nothing to do with my gender, but she thinks it does) and therapy (though she's still under the impression that that is "career counseling").


...I'm not out to my dad, yet. I'm still just a lesbian who likes androgynous clothing styles, to him. I almost just wish i could keep it that way, really, to avoid conflict-- but I plan to transition, and it's kind of hard to explain that as just being a masculine lesbian. XD So I'll have to tell him sometime.

[GamerJames]

Wow James! *Envies* If only we all had such a supportive family! I always wonder what it is about certain people that butt heads with it so much compared to stories like this...

I am incredibly lucky in the family and friends department, and I absolutely appreciate their support so much. I joke with those I'm closest to that the Universe *had* to give me supportive family and friends to make up for how awful my kids' dad and his fiancee are with all this (and just in general). Karmically it all balances out in the end... lol 

[Jamie]

James, you're one lucky guy! 

I haven't told my parents or my older brother and I don't know how to tell them. 
They know that something is wrong with me, because I said that I have a problem. That was almost 2 years ago. I have left college that day, we were arguing and I told them that I have a huge problem. They wanted to know and they said "we are your parents, we can help you" but Ijust said "No one can help me".
I wanted to tell them, I was just scared too much, I guess...
And now I just don't know how to tell them. We live in a small town and I'm also worried about other peoples reactions.

[elvistears]

I haven't told em yet, but it's going to happen soon.  They're in Europe for the next 5 weeks, so I'm going to tell them after they get back.  They are on to me already though.  My dad asked me where my chest had gone and whether I had had surgery (!) I was like, how would I get the money for surgery and then hide it from everyone while recovering! what the...

And my dad has been calling me Boy George and when I got my major short haircut he said I looked like a little boy.

My parents are very old, late 60s early 70s but I think as far as parents go they are aware of trans stuff.  They had a mtf friend before I was born who ended up committing suicide, sadly.  Also my mum knows a friend of mine who transitioned in 2003ish, we were all working in the same place.  She was very good with his pronouns.  I hope she can extend that good attitude to her "daughter".   It's hard because I know she really wanted a daughter and actually didn't think she could accept a son.  She was quite an intense second wave feminist. She wanted us to have some touchy feely mother daughter relationship that never happened and we had some issues.  I love her now though, I love them both so much and I really hope they accept me.

And I'm an only child.  Ack.

[FolkFanatic]

I wrote them a letter because i knew i wouldn't be able to just tell them face to face. That same night mom read it, she came in to talk about it. Then she told dad (did NOT let him read the letter), and then we all discussed it. End result: I went to therapy for a few months, they went a grand total of four times. Plus one time we all went together.

Now my parents are totally ignoring the issue AGAIN (when they aren't saying something along the lines of "we're at that age, we're going to retire honey - we have a house, paid off and everything, with a nice yard and a pool... then you drop this bombshell on us!"), my dad thinks it's a phase and my mom's just...

Even my therapist is a bit miffed at them and their not-want-to-hear-about-it attitude. Her exact words where "well when you think about other things going on, like the war and natural disasters... this is such a little thing, they shouldn't be this negative about it though a bit of anger and grief is understandable. It isn't like you're getting drunk, doing drugs, getting pregnant, burning down the place, etc". Which made me laugh.

Yeah, they aren't taking it well. Don't think they'll be changing anytime soon. Things are stressful. But i know not all parents react like mine did and i hold out a little bit of hope that in the future they'll come to terms with it.

[ajborelli]

i wrote a letter to my mom, and than i went out shaved my head and crashed at my cousins, ignored their phone calls and everything, they finally showed up at my cousins and dragged me home told me i was born a girl and that was that burned my binders and told me to grow up. and thats basically where i am right now

[bojangles]

Wrote to them. Dad never said anything about it. Mom wrote back and said I was old enough to make up my own mind.
She addresses letters to me as first initial + last name now instead of using the old name, which says she's trying.
In conversation she still refers to me as old name, daughter, etc. She's in her 70's. She may never get it down perfectly.
I don't need to get bent about that with her at this time.

[N.Chaos]

My girlfriend brought it up around my mom, after I begged her to help me come out. My mom, as she usually does, accepted it totally. She's just having a hard time adjusting to pronouns and whatnot.

My dad, I haven't came out to yet. We've always had a bit of a shaky relationship, and I'm terrified to jeopardize what little we've got. However, due to recent events, I think I might finally tell him soon. Nobody lives forever, all that. I don't want one of us to die with that still being unsaid.

[niamh]

Told my mum face to face and then wrote a letter to my dad. They didn't understand then and they still don't know. It was brushed under the carpet. That was 7 years ago and our relationship never recovered.

[Taka]

i might try to explain things about me to my step-father. he's the only sensible parent i have, which is why i hesitate telling him. would hurt so much if he didn't accept this side of me

my dad is someone i only have contact with because he's my daughter's grandpa. my mom is hopeless. she has her own ideas and won't see farther than that no matter what. i haven't ever been able to talk to her about anything as far as i can remember. so i don't see much point in coming out to them, either they ask and get an honest answer or they can pretend there is no problem. wouldn't make our relationship any better or worse

[hwytoaster]

Hey! N.Chaos, in that new user pic you look like me in high school! I'd shave my head like that and angle it down. I've had it black & blue like that too. 

But as for my parents/family. They live in their own warped little world, nothing can bring them out of that. My mom sounds like Zombies's mom. She's harped on me a lot about how being different just makes life harder. Well, yeah, it does, but that's no reason to deny your true self and live a lie. ? I'll never get their warped little way of thinking and they'll never get my expansive out-of-the-box way of thinking. I'm always going to be a girl, and an immature helpless one at that, in their eyes. I just hope I can eventually get out of here, move out west and live my own life.

[_Jack_]

Hey guys,

I think it's absolutely lovely that there are supportive families and friends out there - it's reassuring that not all reactions are going to be as bad as we all think they'd be.

I haven't told any of my family yet. I'm scared to tell my mum as we are very close but a huge part of me reminds her of my dad, who passed away when I was a kid, I wouldn't want to remind her even more of him, I'd feel so terrible. I came out to everyone about being a lesbian 4/5 years ago (expect for my sister as she is very close minded, but we are very close, I'd rather keep our relationship rather than ruin it) and everyone was fine with that, especially my mum, she accepted it, adjusted and said "I knew already" lol. I think telling her about the fact that I'm transgender will be okay, she's always said "You should have been born a boy" as I grew up - I was like a little boy anyway, refusing to wear girls clothes, playing with guns and action toys, etc etc plus she showered me with compliments the last time she saw me, which was awesome cause I was wearing guys clothes and I felt on top of the moon, haha. So I think it'd take her time and that she'd be okay, it's just, our imaginations seem to run with 'omg, it's going to be so bad' type thing...

To be honest - as long as my mum accepts me I don't really mind about anyone else. I might do what a couple of you have done and write her a really honest letter or something.

[rexyrex]

I wrote my mum a letter and left it for her to find.
Her response was fantastic:

Ryan,
Thankyou for your honesty, and no I'm not completely shocked because I have guessed, well, felt your struggle over the past year or two, and I have worried that you haven't been able to confide in me until now.
I love you completely and un-reservedly for the person that you are, and not whether you fit in socially as male or female. You are such a wonderful character with a fantastic sense of humour and you have always made me very proud.
I think that you should choose your own middle name - something that you have always wanted as your name? I'm honoured that you have chosen Ryan (yes, I would have called you that if you had been born a boy). I'm so pleased that you are starting to feel happier with yourself. I have only ever wanted you to be happy.
Forgive me if it takes me a while to get used to your new name - you know I'm bound to forget!!! LOL!
I LOVE YOU TOO (always)
Mum xxx

My mum was like that too, but i emailed her as i couldnt face telling her face to face as we dont have much of a close bond, she told me that she was please that i was finally was able to tell her and knew about this when i was a kid :L. so i kinda wished i was out or she told me about it when i was younger then.
so yeah she be on my side and will support me i was shocked to hear that though, thought maybe she dont want to see me again ever! I have told one of my older sisters like many years back when i was young and i told her not to tell anyone and she hasnt.

[Username]

I've only told my mom, and I'm still a bit confused about everything.

I asked her if she would still accept me if I was gay, etc, but that I wasn't, and she said yes, and then I told her, well more like I explained. In spanish... which made it harder. But she did understand. For a bit she didn't react well to it, claiming to understand and still love me, but I confronted her, and she stopped. Sometimes I feel like she thinks it's a phase. I told her I'd wait till I was out of college for surgery and hormones, but I'm starting to want them and identify as male more. I don't know how she'd take it.

Plus I'm going back to my home country for an education and gender stereotypes are insane there. I'm going to have a hard time. If family questions how I look, I'll tell them, and if they react well I might start transitioning, but it would be more dangerous than living as a tomboy, plus I have severe needle phobia so... it might be better to wait till I move to Europe. For now binding is helping, and I don't have bottom dysphoria, I don't really care what's down there.

In the end I did sort of end up being gay (I don't label my sexuality though), I mostly like male gendered, androgynous, or male gender leaning people, but I don't think my mom connected the dots yet. Instead I think me liking guys all my life has put her at ease. She said she always noticed something off about me,... like she had suspected something (probably that I was a lesbian) but me dating guys had put her at ease about it, and made her stop questioning the way I dressed. But still sometimes, even now, she thinks it's a phase because I tried really hard for two years to be female (during middle school). This period also confused me, but I always ended up feeling like a male forced into drag during that time, I just ignored it, and now I know it was my way of trying to fit in. I gave up on fitting in some years ago and I'm quite happier now. Hopefully once I get my binder (I have a homemade one for now) it'll start sinking in for my mom that it isn't a phase, that she's going to have to really accept it.

I'm taking things as they come and trying to be as comfortable as possible.

On my dad, he's stressed at work, and will probably react badly. One day he'll be all for gays, and the next he thinks they don't deserve anything and are crazy. I told my mom she could tell him if he started acting good, but that's probably not gonna happen. I would feel more comfortable having everyone know, since I could speak in Spanish with male adjectives, etc, but he especially would tease me like crazy, he does it even know, hating that I don't grow out my hair and dye it blonde, and that I disapprove of marriage and kids among other things. It's kind of nice to know my aversion to pregnancy wasn't insane. Still don't like kids, but I might adopt. Of course, my dad is disappointed still.

...That ended up being kind of long.

[ajborelli]

My mom and I tried to have a talk tonight and it ended with if you want to be a man pack and leave now I had a daughter. So just leave we don't want you.

So it looks like I am basically homeless woohoo

[Cameron James]

I'm 99.99% sure my parents know. My mother confronted me when I first cut my hair and started binding and asked me if I was trans. I told her no - because at that point I was still figuring myself out and that was the honest answer. She also told me the thought I might be going through a phase and that she was worried since I am so involved in LGBTQ activism I was just sympathizing with the trans community. So I've pretty much refused to talk to her about it since then.

My mother has been looking up transmen - she read Chaz Bono's book and watched the documentary the day it premiered on TV. She also came to my college when I organized Ryan Sallans to come onto campus and talk about his transition. She asked a lot of the "What did your parents do?"/"How did your parents deal with it?" type questions. And has been trying to get me to talk to her about it.

I plan on starting therapy in September, so I definitely need to. It's just such a pain!!

[Keaira]

Actually my mum confronted me when I was 19 about my crossdressing. She was aware I had been doing it since I was about 11 years old. But I had just got home after a busy day at work and told her I would explain everything when I was done with a bath. My mind and heart were racing. I was worried I would get kicked out or something worse. So after soaking in the tub for a least 45 mins, I brought my lPtop down and pulled up magical info about transsexuality and let her read. It seemed like forever. Then she said "so? You can't help it. It's who you are".
I don't think I could have loved my mum more than at that point.

Now my dad, I had to come out to him by email. When he visited me 5 years ago, he kept asking me if there was something I wanted to tell him. I wasn't ready to, so I simply said " if you can wait a little while longer, there is something I do need to tell you."
So, months later, my dad got remarried. And it was then that I came out to him. He said he cried after he read it. He felt sorry for being unapproachable, and that I had been afraid to tell him when I could have gotten the help I needed a long time ago. But he loved me.
Again, I never loved my dad more than when he said that.

Both parents are my biggest supporters. And I can never thank them enough for that.

[Mr.Rainey]

I was having a terrible back ache and I was half drunk when I came out to my mom. Her reaction was okay. I don't remember most of it but she did say she worried about me, my future, and she also said she wanted me to be happy. At one point she said she can have a boy sometimes and a girl at other times and I told her no. I am not a doll It is not your choice. I don't remember her reaction to that.

I told my dad and he was cool with it. He asked a lot of questions. He keeps calling me my birth name and she. Its getting really annoying and IDK what to do about it cuz he is quite akward. I need him to know but not tell the whole universe.