extreme anxiety/panic attacks/self-destructive thoughts. please help.

[Yochanan]

Hey, everyone. I haven't been on Susans in a long time for personal reasons, but I'm having a crisis and I've nowhere else to turn. I had to come back here because this is the only place where someone might understand.

I used to identify as a transsexual male, but have since become comfortable in my mind as an androgyne. I live in the role of my birth sex and it's been easier the longer I've done so. I've taken a lover who's helped me become much more comfortable with my body and my role in society, to which I have consciously chosen to conform. However, there are still some things I have trouble with.

I've got an appointment set to have a pelvic exam tomorrow and since making the decision to go through with it in order to have the doctor write me a prescription for BC pills (which have helped with the dysphoria immensely), I've been having extreme bouts of anxiety. Now, on the eve of said appointment. I am having an extreme panic attack. My family believes this trans "phase" has passed, and there is no way they can understand about this. I can't stop crying, I can't breathe, and the thought of willingly submitting myself to such torture is making me have self-destructive and suicidal thoughts. The doctor won't write me a prescription without the exam, though, and the BC pills are integral to my survival (as I would become suicidal every month before I began taking them).

Please someone tell me something that will help me get through this. I have no one in real life who I can talk to about this. Please help.

[LordKAT]

Have you ever tried deep breathing exercises? You can ask for anti anxiety meds for before your appointment also. either method can get you through it. It does help to remember that it is a temporary bad spot in order to feel normal for far longer. Following your path  is difficult and you seem to be doing well with it for the most part. I wish you luck in that. It is sad that families don't understand that you choose how to live your life but you don't choose what you are. The dysphoria isn't a phase so much as a symptom. Deep breathing stuff can help during the appointment too.

[Yochanan]

My mom knows I still don't feel like a woman and has been helping me as best she can by giving me some of her xanax. She told me she will give me some in the morning before the appointment, but it doesn't seem to matter how many I take, I can't get over this. I've been avoiding it for so long and now it's imminent and I would rather die. My mom is more understanding than I thought, though, which makes it slightly better but not easier.

I don't want to be overly dramatic, but I have tried deep breathing (I have anger problems as well as anxiety), but it generally makes me hyperventilate. It wouldn't be so bad if the doctor wasn't mean. nasty, and judgmental.

[kyril]

I hope you can get through tomorrow's appointment - I don't really have any advice to give in that department. But going forward, do you have the option of finding another doctor?

[Yochanan]

Yes, I'm actually moving on campus at UC Irvine in September, so I won't have to go to a free clinic and I might be able to find a doctor I like through my school.

My mom and dad were just talking to me and I feel like I've got a bit more of a support system here. I don't want to do this but I have to. My family and my lover will be there but I just can't stop crying.

[V M]

Breathing exercises have helped me quite a bit

Slowly breath in through your nose and count from one to nine

Slowly exhale out your mouth counting from nine back to one

This exercise is rather calming and helps for gaining focus

With a bit of practice you can do it anywhere very easily

[kyril]

Ok. Good. Try to think about the fact that tomorrow is the last time you're going to have to go through this with this doctor. You can get through it. It's only going to be a few moments, in the context of your entire life - it has a beginning and an end. It hasn't begun yet, and it will end only minutes after it begins. When it's over, you'll have your prescription, and you'll be free of this doctor.

[Yochanan]

Thanks a lot for the support, y'all. I appreciate it. I'm going to go take a hot shower to calm down and then try to relax. Read a book or play a video game.

I guess I don't have to be out as an androgyne or transboy to post here, do I? I am so grateful for this forum. I'll be around. Thank you all again. <3<3<3

[justmeinoz]

Virginia is on the right track with the breathing.

If you can sit quietly and do this for a while, breathing as gently as you can, you are actually meditating.  Nothing mystical about it, just breath control.

You don't have to be out as anything really, human will suffice here.