I need "convincing". What can I do?

[My Name Is Ellie]

Topic title probably sounds a bit dodgy with the subject we are discussing, however I can explain.

I am a manic depressive.

Now, I'm no psychologist, but I am fairly certain that has been brought on by the fact I am also a girl.

For the past few weeks I have finally decided I need to come out to my parents about my uh... condition. Uh, stuff that, come out about myself.

Knowing I need to come out however has just made things worse. At night I lie in my room digging fingernails into myself and crying, writing letters to myself, drawing pictures of how I could be, I've started throwing up and shaking uncontrolably.

And then daytime comes... and while I *know* I am a girl, for a brief five hours or so my life is "barable" and the t issue doesn't bother me, not enough to want to come out to my parents. It gradually worsens through the day and then bam, I'm in my room early kicking myself because I didn't come out when I was so sure that would be the day.

I know I need to come out.

I can never find the right time because any time I have to talk to my parents the issue isn't prevalent enough to bother me.

I know this isn't right though, I know that harming myself physically is a damned good sign that there is something wrong going on here.

I don't know what to do.

I need to somehow convince myself to come out tomorrow. Or another day; but I need to convince myself it's the right idea and I need to pull through with it. Because right now for half the day I am killing myself mentally.

I doubt anybody can help, since this is a personal struggle, I just need to let off some steam, sorry.

[RebeccaFog]

Hi,

    Please try not to stress over 'coming out' right now. You will come out when the time is right for you to do so. My thought is that you should try to see a gender therapist. I'm assuming you have no one that you can talk openly to. The therapist will help you to sort it out through conversations rather than by holding it all in. The first time I made an appointment to go to a gender clinic, I was totally freaked out and anxious. However, the point of the therapy is to help and so it is a good first step because you know you'll be speaking to someone who will not judge you.

   You absolutely should seek out a therapist if the alternative is going to be you hurting yourself. Please do not hurt yourself. You are not alone. You can talk openly at this site and people here will gladly give you the support you need.

   Do you live in a socially progressive location, or are you in a place where trans people are not tolerated? I ask this because I don't want to give you advice that doesn't fit your situation.

   Everyone comes out when it is the right time for them to. You do not need to rush it. There is a lot you can be doing in preparation for that time.


Take care of yourself.

Peace,

Rebis

[Janis]

I felt the same way when I was in my teens. I had unbearable depression and it continued to compromise my entire life. I just recently came completely out about my transsexuallity only to find nobody thinks it's such a big deal. I traded my bottle of intidepressants in for small amount of honesty and I have been happy ever since. I am now fifty five and I firmly regret all those waisted years of not being my real self.

[My Name Is Ellie]

I am 19 / England, I am not really sure how tolerated trans people are.

I've worked myself into a bit of a hole. I've known about my "problem" since sex education started, about 10 years, and it's made me a friendless person who never leaves the house. I have trouble talking to people, even my own family. Trouble is, I do not have any money to pay for therapy or anything like that, and therefore to obtain the money to do so I need to tell my parents.

I don't even know if there are gender therapists anywhere reachable to me.

It's annoying me greatly because I am sure my parents would be accepting. They had a "scare" when I was seven when the whole school started calling me gay - and they didn't try to talk me out of it (though I wasn't, I know for sure). I just have trouble talking to anyone.

Past few weeks I have been trying to come out because I've left it so long. I knew that now was the right time and I wanted to do it. Every time I do things crop up, my nan being taken ill, for example, but now it seems like the things that are cropping up are just excuses to leave it nested inside (a TV show coming on that my sister wants to watch, etc).

I don't know.

I am living at home after being at University for a year (was coming home weekends). During the week I was living as a girl while not at class. Now I'm back at home it's getting unbarable - at least when I was dressed as a girl I felt sort of... secure.

I'm sure my parents already know. I don't see how they can't, with all the hints they've had 

[RebeccaFog]

Oh God, not another Brit.  (just kidding).

There are lots of English people here and some pretenders like the Canadians. (just kidding again).

You already sound better off than you did in your first post. You should easily find others here who are acquainted with the customs of your country. Maybe you can find a free in-person support group somewhere near you.

Knowing your parents will accept you will help a lot. I know you feel you're dodging 'the talk' with them, but it will happen in its own time.

I'm sorry I have no advice on how to handle the dressing. Until you tell your parents, you are kind of stuck. Maybe you can present just a little bit and that will start the talk. Maybe wear some makeup or a blouse or something that will get your parents to ask you what's up?

Just a thought. Maybe not the best, but it's out there for you.

[My Name Is Ellie]

Thanks. "You already sound better off than you did in your first post" - mainly down to me having read other posts here before replying This site really helps.

I think I've somehow convinced myself that this problem is bigger than it actually is. It's only been the past few weeks I have felt *this bad* about the issue.

I hope the other night was a one off. I have er... cut my nails since and hid any sharp objects by my bed. I found myself in my sleep trying to rip something off, realised what I was doing and stopped, but for the rest of the night kept trying to scratch them away subconsciously and digging nails in places... I have some scars from it but I hope they will go away.

I am not suicidal or anything. Just sometimes my feelings and my dreams get the better of me.

[Janis]

Believe me I know how difficult it can be to find the right environment and time to come out. Back in the seventies when I was a teen I lived in a junky little town in Maryland, it was extremely dangerous and that was one of the mind sets that stayed with me for so long. Eventually that environment was replaced by a friendlier one, but I was not able to respond to the new choice freedom that I had acquired. I can now see that was a weakness on my part.
I should have come out when the coming out was good.

[Jenna Lynne]

Without knowing your parents, it's hard to know what to suggest. Maybe they will be very supportive ... or maybe they'll have a hard time. If you're able to separate your feelings of fear (which are totally understandable) from your realistic predictions of what they may say, you might find it easier.

Role-playing and rehearsing might help. Rehearse how the conversation might go. If you find that you're expecting disaster, pause and ask yourself whether that's a realistic expectation.

Do you have any friends you can talk to about this? That may help a lot.

Another option would be to take a different action. Maybe you can find a job that will let you live by yourself. Then you can be as private as you want to be, and telling your parents will be less of an issue.

On the other hand, finding a TG-friendly job can be a challenge in itself. There may not be an easy answer. Please, let us know what's going on! We may not be able to offer any concrete help, but we do care, honestly.

Many hugs!

*** Jenna ***

[My Name Is Ellie]

Finding a job as a guy is bad enough at the moment; I'm not too worried about the extra aspect causing difficulties.

And yeah, that's pretty much the problem I'm having unfortunately, because I don't know what they're gonna say either :i. I know my dad has said some pretty homo/transphobic things in the past but it's different when it's your son/daughter.

I could always point out that when I was going through a phase of being called gay at school he always said to be "son, no matter what you do in life I will be proud".

The more I think about this, the more I'm kicking myself for not taking advantage of being in a really good position compared to most t-people I know :x


I think it would be easier to tell my mom on her own, while my dad is at work or something, but I know that would be heartbreaking to my dad, to hear something like this second hand.

I thought about writing a letter - I even published a website going into great detail with "dear mom and dad" at the top! But it all fell through, if I can't come out in person then I'll never be able to face them living as a girl.

[Nigella]

Hi there,

First a confession, I'm a brit, lol. Any way the first thing would be to find out about a gender clinic near you and so the first thing is to google that. Then you need to go to your doctor and explain how you feel. Unfortunately some doctors are better than others at this. I have been lucky with both my doctors and gender clinic. If you are in Scotland you can self refer and contact the gender clinic direct.

Unfortunately there seems to be a long waiting list to get an appointment through the NHS anything from a couple of months like myself to a couple of years, yes years. That depends on where you live. So the sooner you get things moving the better even if it turns out you are not transsexual/transgender.

I took to long telling my parents, 49yrs, I thought they would disown me but they have turned out to be my greatest allies and support. It depends on where you live as to how trans friendly the UK is but I have had no problems but then I am stealth, pretty much.


I hope that helps,

Stardust 

[My Name Is Ellie]

Unfortunately there seems to be a long waiting list to get an appointment through the NHS anything from a couple of months like myself to a couple of years, yes years. That depends on where you live. So the sooner you get things moving the better even if it turns out you are not transsexual/transgender.

Nevermind a waiting list -- they can/do "treat" this on the NHS!?

That alone is a great mind reliever, I'd always thought it was private or not at all with regards to this (even if there is a long waiting list, I can understand, family have enough trouble with non-trans related issues).

[Nigella]

Nevermind a waiting list -- they can/do "treat" this on the NHS!?

That alone is a great mind reliever, I'd always thought it was private or not at all with regards to this (even if there is a long waiting list, I can understand, family have enough trouble with non-trans related issues).

Yes, the NHS fund this through your PCT. I have had funding for everything. However they will not fund female facial surgery, I didn't need that so that was OK. They have funded, facial, and genital hair removal, counselling, gender consultation at the gender clinc and gender reassignment surgery, three weeks to go, lol.

Stardust

[My Name Is Ellie]

Thankfully I don't need that. I've been mistaken for a girl a couple of times (made me happy, that's for sure - but had to hide it as friends were around!)

[Nigella]

Thankfully I don't need that. I've been mistaken for a girl a couple of times (made me happy, that's for sure - but had to hide it as friends were around!)

LoL, yeah I had that from a young age too. Kind of encouraging isn't it.

Stardust

[elvistears]

Nothing to add on the coming out front, but I hope it all works out for you.  I'm manic depressive as well and it has calmed down a lot for me since I started presenting as male. However, sometimes the system will expect you to work harder than most to prove yourself, due to mood instability. Make sure you look after yourself and stay stable, so they don't try and connect your gender stuff to your mental health issues. I've been talking to my psych doc about getting an endo referral and he told me all of that.  Luckily i have felt completely stable since starting transition.  I hope it works that way for you too!

Good luck.

[Chrissty]

Nevermind a waiting list -- they can/do "treat" this on the NHS!?

That alone is a great mind reliever, I'd always thought it was private or not at all with regards to this (even if there is a long waiting list, I can understand, family have enough trouble with non-trans related issues).

If you can wait for the NHS to treat you, without your symptoms getting out of hand then thats fine.... 

...If not, the private route can be used to kick start things and then link back into the NHS..

Private gender therapy in the UK cost around £60 an hour if you can get to a city, and will usually have a wait of less than 2weeks. The NHS will usually require you to see your GP, get refferred to a general Physc, then passed to a gender clinic which usually takes around 6 months for the first true appointment. 

Here's a link to some NHS info

http://www.gires.org.uk/dohpublications.php

...and don't forget there is a UK telephone advice service for gender issues....

http://www.gendertrust.org.uk/n2/p01.php?id=2

Good luck, there are a fair number of Brits here (even if we sometimes hide the fact) so please don't feel alone.... 



Chrissty

[Sinnyo]

Your situation sounds scarily similar to mine, and while I don't wish to re-tread all these other fine responses, I'd say that yes, you should come out when you feel ready. There is no need at all to tell your parents before the process starts.

I'm in a pretty restrictive situation, having graduated university last year and not had a job since. My parents grew steadily more concerned about this (and still do) while I was toing and froing about my own ->-bleeped-<-. This helped not one jot.

Eventually things slotted into place, and (knowing at last what the issue was) I spoke to my GP back in December on the advice of an NHS video at their Trans Health page. I told my parents that I was seeking help with depression, and that while depression itself was not the problem, I had some things I had to work through. Not a hint of transsexuality.

From speaking to friends in similar circumstances, I gather that the next step can vary, but I was immediately referred to my local mental health practise, just to check for any risks. I'd hoped to be sent for counselling too, as this can be funded by the NHS, but that didn't seem to happen. I imagine that I seemed a little too stable for my own good. >.<

About a month later I finally got to speak to a counsellor, and really it was just to rule out any other conditions, make sure I had home support, and to explain that I would then be referred to Charing Cross for specialist help. It was only after then that I spoke to my parents, and I ended up doing it simply to ease the anguish of forever asking, "shall I talk to Mum today?". I told my Mum when we had the house to ourselves, my sister when I felt more confident shortly afterwards, and my Dad.. a month or two down the line in the middle of a breakdown. That was not so good.

Suffice it to say, things happened when they happened. You will undoubtedly struggle with the urge to tell or hide, but the positive side is that the energy you devote to that worry will help get you through 'coming out'.

Speak to a GP first, though. That'd be my "TL,DR" advice.

[kaitlynm999]

Your challenge will be to keep things going on your own terms, over a long period of time...you are young!! take advantage of that...

when you worry about something everyday, the "something" you are worrying about becomes secondary and your issue becomes all the fallout from your worrying..

easier said than done and i know..i worried for 25 years!

[The Sarah]

I know this is a late post, but I really hope that you're okay. When I was 18, I reached the point where real pain started to enter the equation. I became very ill all the time, had to be removed from school a lot. I couldn't stand doing nothing. It was my Senior year in high school... I refused to go on the trip to Disneyland that I'd earned for graduating because I'd have to go as somebody I wasn't, and couldn't bear it. I was deeply depressed. I might have thought about suicide, but never seriously. I collapsed in gym class one day, and that day, as my mom drove me to the doctor, I came out to her. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, even knowing in my heart that my mom was very accepting and not at all transphobic.

I remember staring down and to the right, at the car door, and feeling a sort of stabbing in my chest. I could barely mumble out the words. She had thought I was going to come out as gay... which I guess I am, technically, being bisexual... but that wasn't what I was coming out about. She cried, but only because of how some people would treat me for being the way I am. Unfortunately... I didn't get to have that face-to-face coming out with my dad. My mom told him of it. I felt bad for that. But I certainly showed my conviction once I was out.

I wish you all the luck in the world, Sarah's itty bitty heart is with you.

[tuxgrrl]

I wish I knew what to say, other than never give up. *big hug*

I've thought of and attempted suicide several times. It isn't worth it.