Hi, I'm new here. =) And confused? =S Looong story.

[confused101]

Hello everyone. =)
I'm new here. I just introduced myself in the Introductions section.
U can just call me Lyle.



I am not transgendered...I think. I mean, I am biologically female and have been living my whole 22 years of life as a female. And I'm a straight female. But here's my life story and I hope that maybe some of u could give your thoughts or opinion on it. It's a pretty long story though. And pardon me for my bad grammar. English is only my second language.

Okay so, I am born female. But for as long as I could remember, I've always been a tomboy.

3 - 9 years old

One of the first memories that I had was when I was very very young, even before kindergarten, I've always liked playing with boys toys like toyguns, cars, legos, those little soldiers, robots, you name it. I also loved watching tv shows like Power Rangers, and other shows that usually little boys liked. Whenever my parents wanted to buy me toys, they'd always buy me boys toys, and they knew that the only girly toys that I'm okay with are teddy bears, I mean Teddy Bears are awesome, right? 

Once, my nanny went back to her home country and one of her family members owned a toy store. So when she came back to our house she got me and my brother some toys. My brother got this really cool super duper awesome toygun. And I got a doll. =\
Boy I was sooooo upset and was so mad at her. I yelled at her. (When I think about it now, I feel so sad and stupid. It's good enough that she at least bought something for me and I didnt appreciate it at all.)

Regarding clothes, I HATED IT SO MUCH when my mom made me wear those frilly gowns whenever we go out or something. I hated it. I would get mad at my mom and told her that I'd rather wear jeans and had my shirt tucked in. And I LOVE sneakers.  Until now I still do. And of course as a little girl, I'm expected to wear cute pretty maryjanes and white long socks (it was the 90s...so yeah. hahhaa.) I wore those, but because my parents made me. 

Everytime during our yearly shopping time, I'd try and choose the most un-girly clothes on the girls section and would avoid pink at all costs. And when it comes to buying shoes, I'm the one who's more excited and I'd always straight away go to the boys sneakers section. I can still remember those times when I chose the sneakers I like but I can't remember the times when I had to buy girls shoes because my mom would always pick one for me simply because I dont want to and I just find all of them ugly. And still, until now, it's very hard for me to find one ladies shoes or heel that I like. But when I go to a sneaker store, I'd go WHOAAA and my eyes would go round like a chameleon's eyes. Hahaha.

I would also rather play with boys, I'd play fight and wrestle, and run around like a maniac. Climbing things around the house/playground. I remember, sometimes when playing with my cousins who are boys, and then when the weather gets to hot and  they took of their shirts, I took off mine too thinking that I'm one of the boys and my mom would scold me. 

Once I even asked my mom why wasnt I born a boy?

On the otherhand, I also played with teddy bears, barbies, pollypockets, and some other girls toys too. But those barbies where gifts from my aunt and if she hadnt given me those, I dont think I'd ever ask my parents to me one at all. =P But nonetheless, I did enjoy playing those stuff too.


10 - 12 years old

And when I got older, around 10-12, I cut the sides of my hair so that it'd look like I had sideburns. I didnt have the confidence to tell my parents to cut my hair real short like a boy. I was scared of what people might think of me. When I got into early teens, other girls are starting to wear really nice clothes, getting handbags, heels, while I was still comfortable wearing jeans, t shirts and sneakers. Baggy pants were the like in-thing for boys at that time so that's what I would always wear, I'd wear them so low like the boys do.

13 - 15 years old

Then I started to practice a deeper voice and actually succeeded. Hahaha. I did a prank phone call to my friends pretending to be a guy and I passed as a guy. I felt so happy and just satisfied. And now I could just easily do a guys voice and whenever I'm alone in the room like pretending I'm a guy doing normal things. (Does that make a crazy person?  )

Every since elementary school up till high school, everytime during PE, I would skip. Simply because all the girls HAVE to play netball. And netball sucks! Because it's a girly sport. At least in my country it is. I would sit somewhere else and watch the boys play soccer. Once in a blue moon we, the girls, would play soccer or baseball. And that's the only time I'd get excited to for PE, especially soccer. 
And sometimes the guys would suggest a "girls vs boys" soccer match just for fun. More of a, just so that they can beat us at it and tease us how we suck. Haha. And I'd always wish that I'd get picked to play on the boys team for some reason.


15 - 17 years old

Then puberty hits,I hated it a lot. Started wearing training bras. I wasnt comfortable with my breasts. I had to wear camisoles with my school uniform and I refused to wear it. Because I'd feel like a feminine girl wearing it, but my mom made me wear them. I remember my friends and my mom kept saying something like this, "You're a grown woman now. Face it". And I hate it that they say that.

18 - 22 years old (present)

Now I'm in my final year in college and I'm 22 now and has only started wearing make-up, girls clothes, handbags, heels, jsut about 2 years ago. And that is because:
- My mom, she kept telling me that I'm all grown up now and I should start wearing all those stuff and she kept comparing me to my female friends who are feminine.
- My roomies in college are all very feminine
- I wanted guys to notice me.

All this while were just baby t-shirts and jeans and a pair of chuck taylors. Now I've started wearing blouse, girls clothes, or whatever u called it. Lol. My mom is always telling me to start wearing make up and be more girly as I'm getting older and in college and what not.

The thing is, I just don't feel comfortable at all acting and looking feminine, wearing those clothes. I feel like I'm not myself at all, I feel fake. Even now that I've started wearing and buying girly clothes, I'd still prefer to wear my casual baby tees, plaid shirts, kinda like the rocker chick look? Lol. But what's weird though, because I like going in to those ladies clothing store like Zara for example and look at those nice beautiful clothes. And I would love to buy them, but the problem is I don't think I would wear them. Haha. I dunno, I'm weird I guess?

Some of my friends call me Lyle just for fun and it's also like a shorten version of my real name. And I kinda like it that they call me Lyle, cuz it's more guy-ish.




Behavior

I'm always very boy-ish I guess. I'm not soft-spoken, I do not talk as cute or polite or soft as girls do. I'm very rowdy and I'm a mess. I get a long with guys better than girls as we have a lot of things in common and I know things that guys know so we'd have interesting conversations, like video games, cars, stupid movies like jackass or american pie, etc. I'd also team up with my guy friends and tease or prank on our female friends. I make dirty jokes that usually guys do. My handwriting is worst than a 3-year-old's. I don't like to sit in a proper manner. My feet is never near to each other, one is either on the couch and the other down somewhere, just say that I'd sit like how a guy would. I'm loud whenever I'm mad. When I'm frustrated I'd punch the wall or hit something. I can be very egoistic sometimes. I don't like to talk about my feelings nor do I like to show them. I'm not touchy feely. I do not and have not and would never cry in front of anyone. Trust me, even my best-est friends and BFFs havent seen me cry and we've been friends for like 10 years. If I hate somebody or am angry at someone so much, I feel like punching and wanting to beat them. I love cars, video games, loud rock music, guitars, drums, robots, legos, extreme sports, computers, gadgets, you name it...anything masculine.

I like all things adventurous, extreme sports like skateboarding, martial arts or anything that involves fighting. Lol. I have learn taekwondo, kickboxing, capoeira. =P
I just love anything extreme and hard.

I hate it so much when people say, "It's a girls job, so girls have to do it"...like washing the dishes. Or "Only guys can do that"...like skateboarding for example. I hate when people make my gender an issue or a barrier whenever I wanted to do or say or agree on something that is usually done my males. It's like I feel so looked down upon and discriminated. That's why I hate being a girl. When u're a guy, u can just do anything even silly things and people would just say, "Mehh, boys will be boys"

BUT, as much as I wanted to be a boy so badly, I am not attracted to girls like a typical ftm would be. It's like if I were a boy, I'd be a gay boy? Lol.

Another thing is, I also feel inferior every time I'm around very pretty and feminine girls. It's because they're pretty and they don't seem to even try to be pretty. It's like I want to be like them but I don't. I don't know how to explain it but, the feeling is like 50/50. I want to be feminine so that guys wont see me as just one of the lads every time we hang out. But at the same time, I feel comfortable with the way I am now, which is a tomboy girl who is carefree, doesn't even bother about her make up or hairstyle etc. A girl who just wants to have fun and adventure without having to worry about not looking pretty all the time. T__T

I guess that's why I don't have a boyfriend. =\
I know guys like girly sexy feminine girls, and I try to be one but I feel so fake and not myself.

Oh and one thing that just recently happened and I was super happy was that, my friends came over to my house and came up to see my room. One of them said "Wow, ýour room is so cool. And it looks like a guy's room." And that friend, is a guy. Haha.

My body

Now I dont really have any body dysphoria. I don't feel depressed about having female parts. Except that I hate my boobies...lol...but mainly because they're too big for my body size and perverted guys would stare at it. 

But there are times that I'd look myself in the mirror wishing I had no breasts and I'd imagine I have a penis. Looking at every part of my face and body and wondering if there is any male traits at all. Sometimes I'd stand and wonder for quite sometime, imaging myself as a guy. I even had a dream or two that I had a penis and in that dream I wasn't upset or shocked that I got a penis, instead, I felt great. And also as sick as it may sound, sometimes I try to pee standing and surprisingly I can "aim" quite well. Lol.

Sometimes when I'm wearing pants with zippers, (you know how the zippers are like when u sit down, it'll sometimes pop up or bulge? Lol.) I'd always make sure the bulge is there so that it'll look like I have something down there. 

But I never felt depressed having female parts, no dysphoric feeling whatsoever.


My Feminine Side
- I'm attracted to guys 
- I like shopping
- I love to browse around and buy beautiful girly clothes and heels, but I don't think I'd wear them though. =P
- I like to watch chick flicks and romantic movies/dramas.
- There is a part of me that wants a guy to treat me like a woman instead of one of the lads.
- I want to wear nice clothes so that guys would notice, but I'm not comfortable with it though. =\


But I think the reason I did not wear male clothing and live as a female is that because I like guys and I want them to notice me I guess.

So now tell me, am I crazy or mentally ill? Or was I born in the wrong gender?


Thanks for reading through this long and probably boring post.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Lyle,

Welcome to our little family. Over 5000 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another andro.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar )
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[lightvi]

Hmmmm well I think a good question is: Do you feel like you want to be a boyish girl? (tomboy style) or a boyish boy :)

[RebeccaFog]

No offense, but I'm going to have to come back and read the OP due to time constrictions. However, you should know that you won't be judged here and it's likely you will make some friends.


Peace

[kyril]

Welcome!

BUT, as much as I wanted to be a boy so badly, I am not attracted to girls like a typical ftm would be. It's like if I were a boy, I'd be a gay boy? Lol.

That's what I thought about 10 years ago when I was starting college and thinking about being trans. But the truth is, lots of us are gay. I'm gay, Arch is gay, several others too, just here. Straight trans guys seem to dominate real-world support groups, but the gays and bis (since gaining support from the medical establishment in the '90s) have begun to show up all over the Internet.

Also, lots of us gay boys love to shop And watch chick flicks. There's nothing more gay-male-culture than Sex and the City, as much as I personally dislike it.

You can be gay and trans. You can even be effeminate gay and trans. It's ok. We have more fun, anyway And you don't have to *hate* your body. Some of us do, some of us just dislike it, some are downright ambivalent. The things you're describing sound like moderate dysphoria to me - you don't have to be so disgusted you want to start chopping things off in order to say that you're not comfortable with your body.

[Shang]

Welcome!That's what I thought about 10 years ago when I was starting college and thinking about being trans. But the truth is, lots of us are gay. I'm gay, Arch is gay, several others too, just here. Straight trans guys seem to dominate real-world support groups, but the gays and bis (since gaining support from the medical establishment in the '90s) have begun to show up all over the Internet.

Also, lots of us gay boys love to shop And watch chick flicks. There's nothing more gay-male-culture than Sex and the City, as much as I personally dislike it.

You can be gay and trans. You can even be effeminate gay and trans. It's ok. We have more fun, anyway And you don't have to *hate* your body. Some of us do, some of us just dislike it, some are downright ambivalent. The things you're describing sound like moderate dysphoria to me - you don't have to be so disgusted you want to start chopping things off in order to say that you're not comfortable with your body.

This.  I'm gay (well...bi...it completely depends on my mood) and I'm effeminate.  You also don't have to hate your body, I love my body (but I figured there's no point in hating it) but would really really love to have a male body--it's something that causes me mental pain to know I can't have that body.

You don't have to be feminine and girly or anything of the like to attract a guy, it might just take a little longer to find someone.  I'm horribly girly, but I'm also horribly male and it's taken 21 years to find a guy who doesn't mind me wanting to roll around and be a "guy". 

I don't really wear male clothing, but it's because I  love my jeans.  Though, also like you, I was terrified I couldn't find a guy.  Now I'm not terribly picky, as long as I look good.

I can really relate to a fair bit of what you said, but I can't tell you if you're transgendered. So, like lightvi, asked:  do you feel like you want to be a tomboy or do you want to be a guy?

[confused]

well as the guys here said , there are a lot of gay trans men ,as there are a lot of gay cis-guys , so sexuality is not a variable in that equation
as for feeling like you want to be like these pretty feminine girls but you don't is something i can totally understand because (as a bio-male who likes girls) i've been feeling this towards masculine guys that i want to be like them but i really don't want to , and this was a normal feeling because.. well..that's the easiest way the world would think that i'm attractive , it's normal to want to be wanted and even to do things you really hate just to feel attractive
come to think of it i strongly think that your the bio-female version of myself
and i don't identify as mtf ,but rather mt? 
i'd suggest that you hang around here more , things will get more clear , trust me , and if you can ,visit a specialist that would be helpful to be more certain about things

oh and by the way , i'm the original "confused" (still my login) ^_^

[confused101]

First off I'd like to thank you all for reading my super long post and understanding it.

It's good to know there are others who sorta knows what I'm going through and it's all normal and I'm not weird. Lol.

I think it's all because of wanting guys to notice me that I started to wear those clothes. Even my close friends started noticing me becoming a bit more feminine in the way I dress than usually. They even teased me about it. It kinda pissed me off mainly because I was embarrassed. But however they dont know that I have the secret desire to be a guy, just I think my mom sorta knows of course. Then just recently one of my guy friends asked me, "Why did you change?" and it took me a while to answer because I dont know why. It struck me at that time that I thought to myself, "Yeah, why the hell did I become more feminine??". And then I just told him that because of my mom, I was kinda embarrassed to tell him that I did it so that guys would notice me.

And as to the question of "do you feel like you want to be a tomboy or do you want to be a guy?"

Welllll, it's really complicated. As a young kid, I would want to look like a boy sooooo badly. I've always wanted a short hair cut but never got the balls to do it. Hahaha. So I just tied up my hair and hid it inside my hats or caps.

But now as an adult, and have been living full time as a female, I still do have that feeling of wanting to be male. But when I think of it realistically and everything. I can never be one because of the restrictions in my country and because of my religious beliefs. And I'd also think of my family. What would other people say to them if I transition. We live in a very very conservative community. T___T

When I see vlogs of ftms transition. I felt like, wow it's so cool that they can have T and transition and get a deeper voice, better body, no boobies! Lol. I really want all those, but something in my mind tells me its impossible. And it is, if I transition, I'll be damned for life. Its like a a huge huge sin in my religion.

And in my country, being transgender is illegal but there are transman and transwoman out there. Just that u can't get hormons here. And I know some in my class too. But they admit that they're women but they look and act so much like guys , they have girlfriends and they bind too. So I dunno. And here being a female but dressing up as male is sort of okay, people dont really mind about it. But when u're male but dressing as female, whoaa u gonna get teased, bullied, discriminated and all those horrible things people do. I just dunno why. And most transmen here identify as female and go with female pronouns no matter how masculine they look.

So to really think of it, if I had the chance and it wouldnt be so socially hard to transition. I would have chosen to be a guy. I would LOVE to be a guy.

Oh and I just got to know someone, a friend of a friend. Who is much like me, but more bold because she had her hair cut short and wears male clothing occasionally. And surprisingly, she told one of my friends that she wanted to change, and all because she doesnt have a boyfriend.

And, eNTROPY, I think u're right. The world would think one is attractive being the gender that we're born in. And I guess contributes to the thought of me dressing up more feminine. I dont know if there is any specialist on this in my country. And if there is, I'd be to scared and shy to go. =\

There is someone who offers e-counseling but it's just normal counseling and I dunno if it helps.

Haha so that's why I couldnt get that username. 
So now u're not confused anymore? Lol.

[lightvi]

So it sounds to me like you do want to be a guy if you had the chance and a better environment. Transitioning is hard.. I've just started and already it seems like I have a long hard road ahead but I'm willing to take it! The hard road is more fun anyway I don't really know how to help you with the religion thing, that's kind of a sticky situation heh. Don't feel bad about living in a conservative town and transition though, I live in a place like that and it's not really small but a lot of people here seem to be really judgemental. It's where I am for now until I can change it though, so I guess just work with what you've got until you can make it better . If it's something you really really want don't let people hold you back, you aren't hurting anyone so it's their own problem if they don't like what you're doing.
Anyway, I hope you find your answers Look to your heart! ^^

[confused]

... We live in a very very conservative community. T___T ....


And in my country, being transgender is illegal ...
...And here being a female but dressing up as male is sort of okay, people dont really mind about it. But when u're male but dressing as female, whoaa u gonna get teased, bullied, discriminated and all those horrible things people do. I just dunno why..
..I dont know if there is any specialist on this in my country...

^same here

Haha so that's why I couldnt get that username. 
So now u're not confused anymore? Lol.

um..erm.. i ..guess not lol
no really , i'm not confused as to what i want , i just don't know how and if i'm doing it

[Vin]

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you find what you seek here. Everyone is so friendly!

And you sound very much like me.

[justmeinoz]

Welcome to Susan's. 
Given the restrictions of where you live, I'd suggest getting the best educational results you can , so that emigrating and getting work is an option, if you need to. 

[RebeccaFog]

You don't have to choose to be female or male. You can be both. There is a section on this site for crazies androgynes. You should check it out.

I get the feeling you may be male but, because of where you live, you can't easily explore that road. Exploration is an important part of this gender journey.

[confused101]

Yeah I think I should just let my mind be whichever I feel most comfortable with. And I don't have to transition, given the situation I am in. =(
Since I've been living my whole life as a girl, I've sorta gotten used to it, so I guess I'll be okay with it.
Though still, that feeling of wanting to have a male body will always be there. But what can I do. =\
However, I can still not look like a guy but still be guy inside. So from now on, I'll just wear whatever I feel like wearing and do whatever I want. Because that does not define my gender identity.
Just that it'll be hard for me to find a guy who'll accept me as who I am.
Post Merge: June 23, 2010, 11:50:35 PM

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you find what you seek here. Everyone is so friendly!

And you sound very much like me.

Yes they are and I feel glad that I can actually talk about these things to someone and let it out. =)
I've never told anyone at all how I really feel about myself, like I did in this forum. Because I'm afraid that people will judge.

And how did u deal with it eventually?
Post Merge: June 24, 2010, 12:53:20 AM

You don't have to choose to be female or male. You can be both. There is a section on this site for crazies androgynes. You should check it out.

I get the feeling you may be male but, because of where you live, you can't easily explore that road. Exploration is an important part of this gender journey.

Lol crazies? Haha I'll definitely check it out.

Yeah it is hard to explore. But maybe I can use this forum to help me and use it as a guide in finding myself. I realize that there are actually a lot of people like me here and that could help. 

[Vin]

Yes they are and I feel glad that I can actually talk about these things to someone and let it out. =)
I've never told anyone at all how I really feel about myself, like I did in this forum. Because I'm afraid that people will judge.

And how did u deal with it eventually?

I'm still dealing with it, to be honest. x.x

[Summerfall]

Yes they are and I feel glad that I can actually talk about these things to someone and let it out. =)
I've never told anyone at all how I really feel about myself, like I did in this forum. Because I'm afraid that people will judge.

That sucks. The people I've told didn't always react so welll. Most of them were overjoyed when I backtracked into the closet. It's a terrible situation if you can't talk to be people, and at least in my case, leads to more denial, self-loathing, and shame.

It's great that you've found the courage to finally get things out of your head, despite a lifetime of knowing that others might react negatively. Let yourself be yourself, no matter what that means, and consider getting a stellar therapist in the meantime, because they will make a big difference.