As a young boy I envied girls and wanted to be one.
This envy followed me to adulthood and colored my relationships with women.
The desire to become female was submerged for many years, flaring sporadically with bouts of CD, as the need to make my way in the world took hold.
As I entered the last quarter of my life, newly divorced and independent, the desire to be female came roaring back to life with tremendous force, as if a dam had burst, releasing all the energy that had been secretly building during the preceding years.
This desire suddenly released has not abated and shows no sign of doing so.
The last five years have seen tentative steps toward womanhood. Psychological counseling, hormone therapy, the nurturing of feminine traits and coming out (failed) attempts.
These steps have been hindered, at least I believe them to be, by a persona created over many years as a way of dealing with the submerged desire to be a woman. This persona, ironic, cynical, a strong sense of the absurd and highly unsentimental has made it very difficult to fully embrace what I believe to be my TRUE nature. The 40+ years creating nothing more than a facade have left a very dysfunctional personality one that, seemingly, can not help seeing life other than pointless with no purpose or meaning. This nihilism, while lessening over the last five years, has not completely disappeared leaving me doing the goat dance two steps forward one step back. Not content with the facade but unable to fully embrace womanhood. And time marches on.
