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Mad at myself

Started by rylielove, June 25, 2010, 08:45:30 AM

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rylielove

June 25, 2010, 08:45:30 AM
I really don't know what I want to say, I just want to get how I'm feeling right now out of my head... I do have a therapy session in 3 hours which I'm sure will help but I think writing this will make me feel better.

I came out to my sister a couple days ago... It went great, she kinda knew already, she loves me and is happy for me.  I knew she would react this way and I wasn't too worried.  The problem I seem to face now is that each person I tell, the more I accept it.  The more accepting and understanding, the more mad I am at myself.  I mean I can accept it myself and tell myself I do but if I'm the only person that knows about it on some level I'm not accepting it.  Does that make sense?

Ok so I feel much better about transition but I run into the problem that I'm still a boy and I hate it... Accepting it makes me wonder how I've gotten this far without dealing with it yet (I'm 25).

I see through all the bs and understand who I am, but now hate myself for waiting for so long and trying to ignore these feelings.  I wish I would have never had to been a boy... I wish I would of been able to transition during puberty and NEVER had to deal with all this ->-bleeped-<-.  Arg, I just feel sooo mad that I'm still a boy, that I have to go out of my way to be feminine :(.  It feels like having to go through male pubery has ruined my chances of being naturally feminine and I hate thinking this.  I hate thinking about my chest rcause I had breast reduction surgury 2 years ago because I thought getting rid of fat on my chest would make me feel like a confident man.  These thoughts are overwhelming.  I know a year or 2 from now I'll look back on this and laugh but I hate that I'm still waiting to live my life, I'm still waiting to meet myself.  I'm 25 and I have no idea who I am...
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pebbles

#1
June 25, 2010, 09:41:12 AM
We all feel this way I feel the same,  I don't know what to suggest as I still feel it but just know your not alone.

Try to take a thin semblance of comfort in knowing that least your going now, You lasted 25 years you could easily have gone 30-40-50-60 years. your situation would be even more complicated in that instance.
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rylielove

#2
June 25, 2010, 09:47:52 AM
I know and that's what keeps me going :)

I just keeping thinking about being a kid and like how did I deal with it... Why did I feel so bad about these feelings?  I guess it's just school and family that tell you your a boy and not let you be a girl.  Like something happened that made me bury these feelings and convince myself I was crazy and to hide it from everyone... I'm sure it's not one specific event but just the socilization process you get being a "boy" right?

I hate that the world does this... It needs to change... Nobody deserves to feel the way I felt and feel right now
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