Hello, I don't really know what to say so I'll say it all (long story ahead: O). I'm younger, I live in London and my name (at the moment) is Donna, which to my knowledge quite ironically means 'lady' in Italian. Well what do they know: P (actually, love Italian food so I take that back). From since I can ever remember, I've always, always seen myself as male. Youngest coherent memories and such were of primary school where I didn't know that I shouldn't be a boy.
So I remember being very outspoken and, of course, most people saw me as the school weirdo. I refused to change for PE with the girls, but as we all got older it all got more difficult. when asked, by one of the 'populars' what I would do when i grew boobs, i answered 'i'll cut them off' (unfortunately this has followed me - somehow- to secondary school :|) but, then secondary school came and by that time I knew it was impossible to carry on acting how I had. Running adjacent to this was that by the time I was 8 I'd developed a crush (though I remember it feeling like so much more than that) on a girl. So to me at that time, that was normal because I was a boy. But a few years later my best friend of the time basically told me that that made me a lesbian. Something I was very uncomfortable with because I really wasn't one, not in my head.
Well, secondary school was a big jump for me and I had to go from having only guys as friends to having to socialise with girls. Years go by, yadda yadda, and the crux of the situation was that i had eventually accepted that the only kind of ... approval... i could glean from society was by identifying as a lesbian and getting on with that, and suppressing (but never denying) the knowledge in my mind that i was a guy. Because dwelling on that kind of thing for me is just soul crushing (and no surprises here, that i can never recall a time where i was not depressed/ suicidal; scatters of written 'diary' type entries from even younger than 10 still scare me and seem far worse than anything i say or write now).
Telling people that i was gay (i really don't like using the word lesbian, it sounds like some kind of alien race or something) became 'that' secret, but i'm not very secretive, so, eventually everyone knew and i have become extremely open about it. But keep in mind i had to convince myself that this was the only way i could be even a fraction of who/what i want to be. I had never considered that gender reassignment was viable or an option. My whole school knows and i have never had any real problems, the same with my family. which, looking on it, kind of sucks since i don't really deserve this acceptance, since i'm not actually gay. and it makes me sad that the situation is completely different for so many other people. but anyway, carrying on. there's obviously been problems along the way and times where im just screaming at the world, that things would be so much easier if i was a guy (unrequited love/ "donna, i'm just not gay" [goddamnit, nor am i woman!]). and as i mentioned, depression and the whole situation combined into creating a very emotionally sensitive personality had lead to heaps of bad stuff.
One of those heaps has been my growing ''addiction'' to playing an online game (i doubt anybody will know it, Everquest, and more recently Shards of Dalaya which is an EQ emulation server. nerd talk. i know i know.). It has been one of those constants in my life, my mum played it and she let me have a character when i was about 10. And i was on and off it, but whenever i did play it i became intent on spending all of my waking hours playing it. Recently, finding this 'free' (and better) version, coupled with recent cr*ppy events had lead to another bout of nostalgic gaming. For those who don't know, these games are based around forming 'working' relationships with other players and working as a team together. (trust me there is a point to this paragraph) As the name suggests, this game has no end. You constantly progress. There are so many things to do. But there was so much i couldn't understand about why i loved playing it so much. Sure, it takes my mind off of practically everything (if you play it right, it can be what i like to call 'brain intensive'), but there must be something else. but it wasn't the game i was 'addicted' to. and only recently it hit me. Ever since i started playing, i had assumed a male identity. The most recent incarnation was simply Don, 17, doing all the same things that i do in real life but just as a guy. And in the game, i'm the joker, people seem to gravitate towards me and trust me. I often end up in leadership roles, not knowing how or why i ended up there but happily accepting that responsibility. Oh and people respect me.
And that's the person i am, that's who i really am and want to be in life but this other life i've built is stopping that from happening. so playing this game to me seems more like reality, in how i interact with other people. Because in real life, though i show some of those kinds of aspects of personality, there's a horrible twist on things. Generally people don't respect me. I get walked over a lot. I'm not confident, and most of the time i'm very introspective and solemn. This kind of revelation made me see how living this other life was draining all the vitality out of my real one. I'd rather spend time chatting to people i've never met, in this game, than go out with friends. Or go to school. Or eat, or sleep, or do anything. And, naturally, i didn't give a toss. But things happen and i decided to tell some people about how i really feel. Though i'm not secretive, i find this particular aspect of my life excruciatingly embarrassing to talk about. I'm a man. Without a penis. Who has a vagina and boobs. And has periods. I mean come on, what is not embarrassing about that. Why would i want to let people know that about me. But i did, and eventually told friends of mine who are twins. They were so good about it, and motivated me to do something about it.
So i researched things a bit. But i'm the kind of life that grew up on crushed expectations, so hope and excitement aren't my cup of juice, well even so looking at what can be changed and what can be done opened my eyes to things. So i decided to just tell my mum about it. Our relationship isn't perfect and she has major issues, but you have to compromise, because when it came down to my 'sexuality', she's always been proud. And, despite what i thought would happen, she came round to accepting this 'new' thing overnight. She said, because she can't have any more children (i'm an only child), it was like she's now having a son. I don't talk to my dad, and wont, but my 'step dad' is basically my dad and has been since i was about 7/8. he's not like my mum, he's pretty quiet but i suppose in a mildly supportive way. So anyway, my mum decided to start things off by cutting my hair. Now, if i had been a guy in the first place, i would probably have long hair anyway. but she convinced me to do it since people need to take me seriously about this. and it does make me look way more manly, which is certainly a good thing. It's been about 3 days since i told her and we already went out 'guy shopping'.
So it's all so sudden. So so so sudden. I feel like i have talked way too much, but i don't know how to explain why it's not just relief im feeling but fear and concern and cautiousness, about everything. all i've ever wanted to do was to be able to go out and just openly get guy clothes (well amongst other things), but at the same time i find it so embarrassing/ awkward. i usually have worn kind of ambiguous, baggy band shirts and jeans and all that, but it's the going right into guys shops and getting that kind of stuff (As opposed to the glory of internet shopping) that induces that kind of "oh god there's the staff, they must be wondering why a girl is trying on their wares, maybe they know that i'm a man without a penis, oh the humiliation, ahh must escape" thought process.
We discussed names and such, and i've always wanted my name to be Wolf since i was in primary school. But, in line with the whole cutting of hair thing, i'm pretty set on changing both my names. William Wolf, that would be, since William is a real name . (last name is williams so william williams, well, thats just silly - no offence to any of you out there). My mum's a very impatient person so she wants things to happen fast and quick and now, but i suppose to me it's like im a rabbit in the middle of a road and a massive truck made out of carrots is heading towards me. i love carrots, but i'm defiantly going to get squashed.
I have spoken to a friend - who i met playing this game, who identifies as a female but has a man's body, and a close school friend is a very short, pretty feminine looking girl who is really a gay guy and actually goes out as one regularly. but it's all seemed like, before this kind of 'coming out', like ''well yes. i'm a man inside a woman's body but i'm going to ignore that and get on with things'' and i never really appreciated the fact that i have a friend who is in a similar position, though neither of them want surgery or treatment. well now i defiantly do, and it's a scary thought but maybe that's where you all come in. i have about a million questions, that maybe i should ask in another section of the forum but ill go ahead here:
tl;dr1. Can someone my age start hormone treatment?
2. If so, at this age will i grow (i have tiny hands that make playing guitar pretty difficult)?
3. I read that T can make you horny and aggressive (I am already horny and aggressive!)- true/ false?
4. My uncle is a hairy gorilla, my granddad has a thick head of hair and as i recall my dad was pretty hairy. And for a 'girl' i think i'm pretty hairy. Will T make me more hairy? Will i get that beard i always wanted?!Will i be a hairy gorilla?
5. *coughs* So, i know this is pretty far down the line, but with bottom surgery, does the thing you get actually work properly? Can it do stuff a regular penis does?
6. Is it possible that i will just be turned down? I have been to counselling since about 2005/6 and not once divulged this particular aspect of my life to either of the two i have seen, one of whom i saw from 05 - 09. I worry they might find that odd and it might be an issue?
7. How quick can i start the process, how soon will i notice results (roughly) and could it interfere with school? im at the second year of A levels and i absolutely have to do good this year.
7b) How soon can i get a mastectomy!!! Ghastly mammary glands of no use!
8. one last thing, i have heavy scarring on my left thigh. would that affect my option to have T as an injection? i know- dur- i'd sue my right leg, but i have no idea and i'd guess, since its pretty regular, one would alternate legs? im sure it has no effect but it covers a large area.
9. i swear this is the last thing. i'm not a clammy person but i do sweat loads and i get stinky pretty much instantly. growing the armpit hair out, and with T, i can only imagine this getting worse. is this common and is there stuff i can use? i've used mens deoderant in the past to try and control my beastly armpits but they cannot be tamed. (i don't walk around stinking however
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