I don't understand myself :S

[Iceprincess]

After years of thinking about whether or not I should transition, I've come to a strange conclusion: I find no logical or external reason to transition into a woman, and that's the result I get from thinking about this with a cold mind, leaving every feeling and emotion aside. What's more, I find the possibility of falling into "undesirable consequences".

However, once I add my feelings, emotions and my reality, I find the need to change and I justify it saying that it's something I must do to make sure my body is sync'd with my soul and mind. It's something I really don't understand from myself

I've been thinking: ok, if I try hard enough, I could be living as a guy without problems, what's more, I can pass very well as one and I might even forget about the idea of wishing to become a girl. But when I think that, something in my heart stops me and screams "YOU MUST DO THIS! IT?S SOMETHING THAT HAS TO BE DONE!!" and then I fall into the dilemma...

I do want to transition, and the more I think about it, the stronger the feeling is about wishing to be a girl. However, I don't understand why I think this, and how I should feel and react about these cold conclusions I've got. I just don't understand it.

To be honest, it doesn't depresses me or anything, but I do like to analyze it and make myself questions about it, and think about the possible scenarios that might arise as a consequence of my actions.

Discuss

[confused]

first off , emotions and feelings is a significant part of that logic equation , and the fact that how you feel comfortable and how you feel about or see yourself is the most important part
and ignoring variables , logically and even mathematically, can never give you the right answer

because the rest of the variables in that equation leads to a big no ; money cost , emotional distress , bigotry , discrimination , legal issues , problems with relatives ,friends,work/schoolmates , and the list goes on

so adding the variables you ignored ,we get whole new equation , that requires you to ask yourself questions and weigh your options and capabilities
so..

• who you are? only you can answer that question , no one else can tell you , you are this or you are not that , no one in the whole world knows about yourself more than you do
  keeping in mind that there's a whole spectrum of gender as there's of sexual orientation you don't have to force yourself into fitting at one pole


• do you Need to fully transition?
  some people choose to partially transition , some people choose not to (though capable of) transition but rather change their gender presentation 
  


• are you actually up to it? because , as you already know it's not an easy ride

i ,for example, had to postpone transition because where i am right now you can't legally or socially transition or "cross the line" , and note the "postpone" her , because i know i want to transition yet not fully ,just enough to be near that line from the other side , and although i had no idea about anything about transsexualism i've always knew it inside me and wished it was possible and interpreted my feelings that i couldn't really explain into an urge or a need , then when i couldn't take it anymore i started to ask myself and others questions then i found out the facts , and by the simple act of knowing and understanding i'm more in a better place than before
it's a good thing your starting to ask your self questions about yourself to know yourself better , just be true to yourself and soon you'll find the right answer
there's other questions you have to ask yourself too
and getting a professional help of a therapist or a specialist is the first step to know if that was possible
good luck

[Anthrogal]

The thing you need to realize is that the decision process itself is by necessity emotional. All decision, to some extent, are based on irrational emotions. There is no such thing as a purely rational decision. Take people with severe autism, for instance, who have very low emotionallity. They tend to have a horrific time making decisions, because they use a primarily rational approach to make such decisions. As such they are often very indecisive. Emotions are always a large part of decisions, no matter what that decision may be.

[BunnyBee]

It's the feelings and emotions that will drive you mad, I would encourage you not to ignore them.  Like you said, logic is cold and overthinking can lead you ironically away from truth, if there even is such a thing.

[Ashley Allison]

I do want to transition, and the more I think about it, the stronger the feeling is about wishing to be a girl. However, I don't understand why I think this, and how I should feel and react about these cold conclusions I've got. I just don't understand it.

I feel the same way, just letting you know you are not alone... All in all, it is very confusing.

[BunnyBee]

Logic is funny.  It rarely reveals truth as much as it reveals biases or mindsets.

Ask yourself why you reach the logical conclusions you do, because your conclusions say more about where your head is than they do about truth.

You could logically argue fire is cold if you set your mind to it, after all.

There could be so many reasons your head is where it is, but just keep working through it and I promise you will one day have your epiphany moment.  Right now you probably feel like you are standing over a dark abyss and it's only natural to be afraid of leaping out into it, or to worry that doing so may not be the smartest move.

I read a lovely allegory today on these forums and which said:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom

This is when people usually leap (or blossom)- when it's too painful not to.

[Sinnyo]

Mmm, nodding very much, here. But in the end I abandoned logic, too.

It caused me six months of grief, metaphorically yelling.. somebody put it nicely elsewhere on the forum: "LALALA GENDER PROBLEMS LALALA". But in the end the harshest logic of all came to the fore: I have never managed to get into a relationship and cannot see me doing so in future, because I will always envy the girl I'm with. I think that's when things cracked for me. Emotions are always there, and staying logical is hard work; it's probably worth pandering to your emotion glands.

[Al James]

i too analyse things and have spent many hours telling myself that logically i dont need to transition i am in the enviable position of having a partner who loves me for me, all my friends accept that i will always be more male than female, i get to wear the clothes i want/need to because im FTM and my wearing trousers etc isnt out of the ordinary. So logically, no need to transition. But when i stop being logical my brain screams at me that i have to do this. I can't deal with being half  a person anymore i need the world to see me as i see me

[Summerfall]

I find no logical or external reason to transition into a woman, and that's the result I get from thinking about this with a cold mind, leaving every feeling and emotion aside.

These are thoughts that I can relate to.

To view situations and problems from a purely objective standpoint is a useful tool for problem-solving, but to live in this mindset is not healthy as a human. For me, I was embracing denial, and avoiding my emotions was not sustainable.

Find a good therapist and work this stuff out. No matter what path you end up on, ignoring things and hoping they will go away will come back to haunt you.

[Iceprincess]

I am visiting a therapist

It's just that I had this philosophical moment of debate in my mind, wondering about things and this came out lol.

I was more like, venting out about my thoughts.

Unfortunately, I haven't visited my therapist for 3 weeks because I'm having some problems at home atm (my aunt has terminal cancer and my mom and I are taking care of her n_n), I had to organize my priorities. Hopefully I'll be able to visit her in a week or two