Need a grump

[Turtle]

Hi, need to vent a little...

My partner (totally supportive) met up with my Mum yesterday, and my Mum just spent the whole time tearing me apart. She does it with a smile on her face, and is basically a nice person (I think...sometimes I wonder...), but completely shat on me to my gf (who was so shocked she didn't know what to say back).

Basically, Mum says that I am an 'internet diagnoser' and decide what's wrong with me before going to a doctor and 'convincing' them to treat me. She says I am good at manipulating doctors. Here she was mainly talking about my bipolar, which she says doesn't exist (for the record, I've had a diagnosis 10 years, am successfully medicated, and have been hospitalised once due to it. Am I making that up?)

Regarding my gender issues, she says she can just about take me being in a same-sex relationship, but that this is 'a step too far'. She says I don't really know what I want, and will probably change my mind. She asked my partner 'did I realise I'd have to use men's toilets and shave, had I thought about that?'. Yeah, cos I'd tell my parents without having thought about it all first, wouldn't I...??

She says I should just dress like a man (I DO!), and not fuss about getting treatment, as that's 'Not really what I want'. My Dad, apparently, doesn't want to talk about it until he absolutely has to. They think it's all a phase.

Sorry to vent. I know many parents are far worse than mine, but I'm really f***ed off that she said all this to my partner, but was as nice as pie to me later on the phone. And I'm angry that I didn't have the guts to confront her during that same phone conversation! I'm 38 - not reliant on them for anything except love. I don't even need them to accept the changes I am making, just say 'OK' that it's happening, and not imply I'm manipulative or deluded.

Rant over *breath*. Makes me want to cry.

[Crypt77]

Dude it's chill to vent. We're here for you.

That is unfortunate that your mom said that, especially to your girlfriend/partner. I can honestly understand though. My mother is at the same stage. She has said the same exactly thing ("You should just dress like a boy! Don't go through treatment, there's no point") and to all of my friends whom she can talk to, she has said almost the same things your mother told your partner. So you're not alone in that.

It's hard to ignore what your mom says though, after all she is your mom. However you must remember that this is something you have to live with. Whether or not she accepts it...that's a whole 'nother story. Transitioning is something you have to do for yourself first. How else are you going to live with yourself?

Maybe someday your mom will understand. Maybe she will see who you really are all of this time and finally accept it. Don't loose hope man. Hang in there.

[Silver]

She asked my partner 'did I realise I'd have to use men's toilets and shave, had I thought about that?'.

Orly? I got that too. Oh noes, men's room and shaving! Screw all this depression, I'm afraid on the men's room!

Lol, it's funny that people think that's an unfortunate consequence (or unforeseen.) She sounds frustrating and well, you should probably just try to stay away from her. She doesn't want to understand, it seems.

GID seems to be self-diagnosed, unless one is really young. Doctors can't just look at you, say "you seem masculine, obviously FTM." Doesn't believe in your bipolar disorder? That's a little odd. She should probably be able to see the effects of it.

[Al James]

I'm really close to my mum and we get on really well but this is one issue she says she accepts but isnt actually seeming to take on board. I made the mistake of telling her that I didn't expect her to change 38 years of seeing me as her daughter overnight and i think shes taken that as permission to carry on calling me my by female name and referring to me as a lady-wtf, i was NEVER a lady! My girlfriend comes in for no end of grief cos when my mum really gets to me its her that i rant at. Trouble is i'm 98% sure my mums not doing it on purpose so i cant even have a go at her and get it out of my system

[GamerJames]

I think sometimes people respond this way as part of how they process it. I know it's frustrating, and I think it's great that you've come here to vent, as we're all definitely here for you. But also keep in mind that she might not always feel this way, and all you can do is stand your ground, be yourself, and let her come around in her own time. Even if it feels incredibly slow and sometimes offensive.

Also, how did your partner handle the situation? Have you had a chance to talk to her about how she felt being on the receiving end of your mom's tirade?

[FolkFanatic]

Ranting/venting is perfectly acceptable. 

Parents suck, sometimes. Mine are about where yours are - my dad won't talk about it, they won't go to counseling (alone or with me), and the only time my mom brings it up is to criticize me or tell me how hard it is for them and how i could "make more of an effort". They won't even tell the family (well, my mom blabbed about it to hers but dad won't say a thing to his.)

They think i'm making a big mistake. I couldn't possibly know what i want right now. HOW do i know. Why can't i just be "tomboy" or even "butch." How could i do this to them, right when they've got a good life (nearing retirement, house, pool, etc). Yadda yadda.

Normally i ignore them. On bad days we just butt heads until we both storm off. Unfortunately i'm at a point in my life where i can't move out - i don't have the funds or the resources to do so. Just isn't possible right now (and to those out there who say "just suck it up and do it" i am NOT able to live out of my tiny car with four gerbils and a dog thank you very much.)

Not much we can do but grin and bear it for now. Maybe in the future things will be brighter.

[Turtle]

Thanks for all the positive comments, guys.

I've just got back from a great night out with friends who I 'came out' as trans to, and they were brilliant. That reminded me that there ARE lots of people in my life willing to let me be me.

Mum is Mum - I just need to create better coping mechanisms around her. And like someone said, I'm doing this for me, so need to focus on that.

[Al James]

Way to go Turtle- Touche!