Hello, and first post

[Annie]

Hello everyone,

I've been lurking the forums here for a few weeks, trying to decide if this is the place for me to seek support, advice,understanding and compassion.  Everything I've read, from introductions to replies, tells me that this is a wonderful community, and I may not only be able to find what I'm seeking here, but perhaps I can add some of my own experiences and opinions to help others.

I'm 40 years old, married with one daughter (12) and I live in an extremely conservative, rural area of the US midwest.  I've been hiding my feelings of having a female gender identiy for my entire life, and have only recently told my wife.  Changing my life by transitioning is not an option for me, since I am fairly sure (and my wife has told explicitly) that I would lose my family and everything I truely love.  But the feelings of wanting for myself what genetics denied me, is at times overwhelming.  At 40, I feel like time is slipping past me, and the older I get, the more loss I feel.  I've spent my life in guilt, at times shame, and doing things for others.  My wife has been ill for 12 years and taking care of her and our daughter has been my whole world since, foregoing friendships, career opportunities, and my desire to look, feel and possible even become female.

I'm in the process of finding a therapist to help me come to terms with what I've been hiding for 40 years, but I also need a place to seek companionship with those who know what I'm feeling.

[Kate]

Welcome, Annie!!!

I'm so glad you've found Susan's, and that you're finding it helpful. There's a wealth of information and support here, and I see you've been browsing around already. If you haven't done so yet, be sure to peek at the rules at some point, just to familiarize yourself.

I certainly understand how you're feeling, I've been there too. Most of us have, as you're probably discovering. Finding a therapist is often a *great* first step, and you may find that he/she offers you more options than you thought you had for solving this problem. Not everyone transitions fully, some are content with learning to accept who they really are, some find that occasional crossdressing is enough, others enjoy going out "enfemme" now and then, and some even find that a low-dose hormone regimen provides emotional comfort without the need for a full transition.

You sound like a wonderfully unselfish and giving person, which can sometimes lead to putting your own needs aside for too long, hurting yourself deeply. You DO deserve to be happy too - though I understand the need to balance your needs with those of your loved ones. In time, as you work through this, you'll find the best answer for you, whatever that may be. Have faith that although things may become emotionally painful as you face this now, things will eventually work out for the best.

How does your wife feel about all this in general? Is she against transitioning for purely practical reasons, or does she think your feelings are wrong and immoral?

Hugs,
Kate

[Annie]

Hello Kate *hugs*

What a nice reply   

To clarify my wife's view; first she is a hetro woman.  While at this point in my life I only feel attraction to women and have no desire to seek pleasure as a "man", I wouldn't presume to classify myself as lesbian.  Still, were I to transition, we would be labeled by society and our families as such, and that is not what she wants for her life.  Second, our daughter is ADHD and has a lot of emotional problems.  My wife feels that if I  come out to our daughter, this would further complicate her life.

She understands my situation and supports it, but insists that it can only be "my" fantasy.  A secret to be hiden, much in the way I've been hiding secrets for 40 years.

[Peggiann]

Annie Welcome to this wonderful group of people.

I am the S.O. of Leah whom also spent a lifetime of doing the keeping the desire to become female hid from everyone that has ever meant anything to her in her life.

I really understand your feelings. Leah has been so light hearted and witty and happier than I had ever seen in our almost 20 years of marriage prior to her letting the secret out to me. I guess it's been alittle over 6 years going on seven year I've known now. We had the initial shock to work through and then learning how to make some changes in our personal lives. Making adjustments to various area of our relationship that agreed with us both making it possible to stay together as planned from the moment we decided to marry and then pledged our vows.

As I'm sure you have imagined there are a lot of issues coming up you'll begin to address and confront I wish you well as you tred through them all. I also invite you to ask anything of Leah and I you wish and we'll try to help you find answers through sharing how we have found them for us. You must realize only you can answer them. Your Therapist will be assisting you on your journey. You must listen to your innerself and do what it tells you is wht is right for you and your life. Good luck as you move foreword.

Are you still caring for your wife personally? Have you shared these issues with her yet? I am glad you have saught out a Therapist to help you through the maze of your feelings. Your wife and daughter will need the help of a Therapist also. This site is great for them also once youv'e shared your desires with them. I look foreword to hearing more from you and hopefully them too in the future.

Smiles,
Peggiann

You were writing your new comments as I was wirting my post to you. Your new post shares part of what I touched on. Thank you.
I can share some things concerning your last post later as I have to work in a few minutes will share back later today.

Smiles again.

[Suzy]

Annie,

It sounds as if we are on a very parallel track.  So as one newbie to another, I hope we keep in contact, and that we can learn from each other's mistakes and successes.


  Kristi

[HelenW]

Hi, Annie!  Welcome!

Your's is a much too common problem for many of us.  Family, work and friends seemed (and still do to some extent) much more important to me than my own issues.  And that worked out for many years.  The pain of the dysphoria finally got so bad for me, however, after I fell out of denial about who I am, that I was ready and planning on doing myself in.  I started going to therapy soon afterward.

If you can keep yourself in check then by all means do so.  Cross dressing in secret helped me ease the feeling of being mismatched all the time.  Coming here to Susan's to be yourself is another good way to feel a bit better.  But if it comes to a point that you begin to feel so bad about your situation that stepping in front of a speeding truck begins to sound like a good idea, run - don't walk - to a therapist, preferrably one who specializes in gender issues, and get some help.

In the meantime, no matter what else you decide to do, please come back and share with us.  I'll be looking forward to reading more from you, Annie, and I'm again happy to say,

WELCOME ! ! 
helen

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Annie!
It is good to meet you.
Your wife's attuide sound allot like my spouce's. She said that she was not a lesbian period.
Oh and I also have a child that is ADHA and still living at home the other two are just ADD like me and married with children of their own. All of my children have had a hard time with my lets say gender confusion, TGism.  And yes do get a therapist if for nothing else someone you can talk to openly and honestly without worry.   
Anyway Susan's is a great place and very supportive. And lots of free advice here from caring people.

Jillieann/JR

[tinkerbell]

Hi Annie and welcome to Susan's indeed!

Thank you for posting an introduction.  Although your experiences are a bit different from mine, I indentify with most of the experiences you have shared with us, and I am certain that many members here will be able to say the same thing.

I am glad you have found us; there are awesome people here who are always willing to listen and provide you with the support you need.  Please take a sec to explore the site, get familiar with the site rules at the link which Kate has provided above, and definitely visit our wiki, our goldmine of information on TG-related issues.

We hope to hear from you through your posts.  Enjoy your stay!


tinkerbell