Compromising

[FolkFanatic]

This question/rant is for those of you still at home or that started transitioning at home:

My parents are not thrilled. They aren't even willing to TRY to let me "experiment", not willing to try to work through this. Lately my mom has been going on and on about how i'm not even trying and not putting in much effort in to the family. It's got me pissed off, upset, and just completely turned around. In my eyes, THEY'RE the ones not trying.

I mean... I go to therapy where as they stopped after the group session months ago. I refuse to shave and they got upset so now trim my leg hair so it isn't out of control. I wear gender neutral clothing. I made sure my swim outfit is similar to what i wore before (shorts and a tee, even made sure the swim trunks where more "short like" than "trunk like".) My hair is in a short but neutral cut (IE not overly masculine.) I'm not pushing for hormones. I'm going hormone AND genetic testing.

Now tonight she put up a fuss about the leg hair. She wouldn't let up about it - "your dad is torn up inside", "please tell me you won't go like that to the party with our family", etc - so i finally just shaved for the first time since november (admittedly i did a sloppy job and almost sliced myself to hell and back). I just about cried the whole time i shaved and now she's bitchy cuz i'm being moody and rude.

I know that this is a big thing for them. I don't expect hugs and kisses and leaping for joy. I don't expect for them to be okay. But they seem to be stuck on "woe is me" and i've just about had it.

What sort of things did you "compromise" on with the family to make things more bearable for both you AND them? Did anything help?

[Al James]

I really cant help you with this one cos i was a coward and waited til i had well left home (about twenty years) before i brought up the subject. Even now tho i feel like i'm forcing something onto my mum that she really doesnt want- i can usually tell by the sudden change of subject whenever anything is mentioned. I know you've said before that your not in a position to move out but you are in a position to ask for basic human rights and being bullied is not one of them. Ask them if they can't agree with what you do then at least could they choose to stay silent; after all they have a choice in their actions-you don't

[Morgan]

I'm assuming you're under eighteen... You can never tell with us! 

If you are, I'm sad to say the only advice I can give you is wait until you are eighteen... I shaved my everything before I knew I was trans, hated it, but did it to 'fit in' and all that ->-bleeped-<-. Just made my life easier, even if it pissed me off. It was better than the alternative, teasing, stress from family, etc. etc.

Al has a good idea, but not all parents are sensible enough to listen to that argument. Try it, and if it doesn't work, it won't be long before you are making your own decisions. If you already are making your own decisions, well.. Tell them so!

Good luck with everything.

[sneakersjay]

Sometimes you just have to bide your time and do what you have to do to make life easier.  Yes, it sucks, but things could be a lot worse.  Who knows, they may come around in time.

I, too, wasn't one to make waves and did what I was *supposed* do do (ie looking feminine, shaving, etc), heck, I even  married and had kids!!  LOL

When you're under 18 and living at home, your choices are limited.  Once you are 18 and can move out, you can do what you need to.  If my parents were so adamant about things, I'd likely focus my energies on doing what I could to ensure that I would be able to move out at 18.

For the record, I did move out at 18, and later did spend some summers at home during college, but I always worked a job or two.

Jay

[Silver]

Your dad is torn up inside because your legs are hairy?

Hang in there, that sounds irritating. Best of luck.

[Cindy]

Sorry to post on a guys thread again.


What is it about shaving? Shaving body bits is personal choice nothing to do with gender. Tell your Dad to get a life . There are massive professional wrestlers with all their body hair removed. Would your Dad regard them as feminine . I think it was Sandra Bullock who went to an 'award' ceremony with unshaven 'pits. I know several GG who do not shave their legs. They tend not to wear skirts and tend to wear jeans.  None of them are lesbian, gay or TG. They are in stable M/F relationships and three have children. They just don't want to shave their legs.

Guess what, hair grows. It's a genetic thing, we have genes for hair growth.

Cindy

[FolkFanatic]

Your dad is torn up inside because your legs are hairy?

Hang in there, that sounds irritating. Best of luck.

Yeah. My mom's exact words: "Your dad doesn't want anyone else in the family to have hairy legs." I just about bashed my head on the car window and had to bite my tongue from saying something that would escalate this from a rant to a full out brawl.

What is it about shaving? Shaving body bits is personal choice nothing to do with gender. Tell your Dad to get a life . There are massive professional wrestlers with all their body hair removed. Would your Dad regard them as feminine . I think it was Sandra Bullock who went to an 'award' ceremony with unshaven 'pits. I know several GG who do not shave their legs. They tend not to wear skirts and tend to wear jeans.  None of them are lesbian, gay or TG. They are in stable M/F relationships and three have children. They just don't want to shave their legs.

Guess what, hair grows. It's a genetic thing, we have genes for hair growth.

Cindy

Hah! Yeah, true. My mom actually brings up the "women in italy don't shave - or maybe they do now, who knows" thing but she's just rambling. Even back before i identified as trans i hated to shave, actually didn't until high school (when people started pointing and laughing - if i had just presented as male THEN it wouldn't have happened). My therapist says it has to do with the whole "they don't want to deal with it so they don't want you to have anything to do with anything that would seem masculine" thing.

And my dad hasn't actually confronted me about it yet. It's all my mom.

OH, and i'm 22. But i'm in between jobs (and hey, no one is hiring go figure) and thus can't move out yet. The only source of income i have is from doing odd jobs for friends/neighbors - needless to say, i barely save any of it (since i'm 100% responsible for my pets, clothing, etc.) I plan to move out by next summer - i'm attending a dog grooming school, and i'm guaranteed placement after the eight weeks is over.

I guess i'm just frustrated that they don't realize, that they don't want to realize, how everything is affecting ME. It's all about them (which i get, i really do, but i can't just ignore myself and try to please them cuz it ain't happening no matter what i do) and how this is affecting THEIR life. Hello, it isn't like i'm doing drugs or going out getting myself pregnant (or someone else pregnant lmao.) Which is worse, having a child who knows what they want and goes for it or having a child who's on the front page of the paper because they where arrested for drunk driving and smoking pot?

[Carson]

I was under 18 when I came out. My parent's kind of tried to ignore their way through the beginning too but I just didn't let them. I bound with ace bandages until I could afford to buy myself a real binder. I didn't shave anything, I had everyone outside of my family refer to me as my male name and male pronouns regardless of whether my parents did and whether or not my parents were around.

I DIDN'T compromise and it worked wonders. Whenever they brought something up I pretty much just said "you don't like it, too damn bad. This is MY life now and you can either jump on with me or f*** off." It worked surprisingly well. I half expected to lose them.

[jmaxley]

I guess i'm just frustrated that they don't realize, that they don't want to realize, how everything is affecting ME. It's all about them (which i get, i really do, but i can't just ignore myself and try to please them cuz it ain't happening no matter what i do) and how this is affecting THEIR life.

I'm having this same problem with my mom.  She's acting like she's some sort of victim, how could I do this to her.  And when I try to point out that none of this is easy for me, I'm the one being selfish, making it all about me.   Argh.

[insanitylives]

Ugh, dude i get your thing with the job.
Nowhere is hiring here either. The few places that are have told me to "come back in a few years", since I'm under 18 still.

Androgyny is both my compromise with the parents. They would kill me if they knew, but a questionable appearance seems to be enough to appease them. As long as they don't have to KNOW i'm binding (however obvious it is. I can't loose THAT much weight...) they don't care.

But.. um.
Your dad has issues. I mean, it's leg hair. What's his problem?

[miniangel]

FWIW I'm a hairy-legged cisfemale, although I do sometimes run the brushcutter over my armpits if I'm going swimming. Anyway, one technique I have found invaluable since I've been exploring the whole GLBTIQ world, thanks to making some new and wonderful friends over the past few years, is to imagine myself in a comparable situation wherever possible and then seeing how I feel. It works wonders, I find. Maybe you could ask your parents to really imagine themselves having to shave their heads or wear something stupid and embarrassing all the time - some act that they could conceivably imagine doing. Ask them how they'd feel if they HAD to do this, if they were EXPECTED to do this. They might get an idea of how you feel. (I suspect they won't, unfortunately.)

[Yakshini]

I've been too chicken to come out. But my mom isn't stupid. She found out on her own that I was attracted to both men and women, and boy was that an awkward conversation. I was talking about my exes, and she started talking about my first girlfriend, and I never told her that I dated women. :s
But my mom is very loving and never batted an eyelash about my liking of men and women, heck, she even made me a rainbow quilt for my graduation present to show that she accepts me.

I'm not so sure that I'll ever make a real proclamation to my parents that I am transgendered. For years I've just very slowly been presenting myself as more and more male, easing it gently into my life. But I drop my fair share of hints (talking about how much I want my boobs cut off, bringing all sorts of pro-trans literature into the house, etc.) just so I don't have to talk about it.
I haven't had to make any compromises aside from letting them refer to me as female. My friends call me "he" right in front of them, but I let my family think I'm still a girl.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

To be honest, nothing. Then again my relationship with my mom was never great. I didn't even tell my mom hey, I'm transitioning. I just started binding. And growing facial hair. Etc.

My g'ma was more of a mother to me than anything. So she was the only one I didn't snap at or lose patience with when she used the wrong pronouns and name. She was 74. But inspite of being old and this stuff not being prevalent in her day...she let me know that she still loved me the way I am and tried her best to understand me and what I was going through and why. I knew she didn't mean to say the wrong name or pronouns to make me mad. Her nickname for me wasn't masculine but I let her slip and use it sometimes cause...i guess she's the only person I've truly loved that much. If she was still alive she'd be the only family member who supported me in transitioning.