Depression

[Elijah3291]

ok so, I thought I would be getting hormones this summer, a few weeks ago.  I was depending on it.  I have my letter.  I went to an endo, and hormones were a no go.  I went to a new dr, my new dr is very nice, gonna try to find me an endo.

but guys, my dysphoria has never been this bad.  It is crushing.  Anything and everything I do reminds me that I am not the way i should be.  I hate my reflection because I look so delicate, I love my boyfriend, but being with him and seeing his body makes me so envious.

When I think about my breasts, or my voice, or my hips, or lack of hair, everything.. makes me feel very suicidal.

I just went to talk ot my mom, I thought she would help I told her "mom, my dysphoria is getting worse." she (of course, as always) says "what's dysphoria?" I looked down my shirt, and said "its like, when I look down my shirt and see clevelage, it just makes me want to punch through a brick wall and stab a knife in my throat"

she didnt make me feel much better by telling me that things are in motion.

Guys, I don't know how I can do this.  I feel like I am dead already.. not really living at all.  Not to mention.. I think I may be crazy.  I think about death all the time, killing myself, killing, hurting others, inflicting pain.  I have so much pent up anger.

I just don't know what to do.

[jmaxley]

I know what you mean.  My therapist today refused to write my letter for T.  After months of seeing her...     All this time WASTED. 

Keep your chin up.  You can make it, man.

[madzam]

I know exactly what you are going through first hand, do you have msn/aim/skype to talk?

[confused]

i totally know what you mean and what you desccribe there :

I feel like I am dead already.. not really living at all.  Not to mention.. I think I may be crazy.  I think about death all the time, killing myself, killing, hurting others, inflicting pain.  I have so much pent up anger.

I just don't know what to do.

seems pretty much like how i often feel only with varied intensity of the feeling
the only thing i can point you to is hope and believe in yourself . i know how fraustrating it can be to build up plans and hopes over something then something/someone just takes it away . i know it is really difficult but you are a guy and sooner or later as long as you keep going you'll get into the shape you want , but only to help you have go on you have to find hope and focus on it , and put in your mind that anyway we try might fail but we always learn enough to try again and be closer .
now i know all that won't help about the feeling much , but this is what i tell myself and try to focus on when that happens for any reason

[meh]

I feel you dude. Due to family and financial circumstances, I had to put off everything till now (I'm 27). Lately I've been reeally depressed about it, but I think about how lucky I am to have been born to experience the life that I have. This is the only life that we get. (That is my take, I'm an atheist).

When I get depressed, I tend to think about what if I was born in an Islamic country, such as Afghanistan, in the body of a woman and how difficult my life would be and I am just thankful that I was born in the United States and I just have to deal with this body I am stuck in rather than having to live as a woman over there not having the option of transition and fearing being killed for; not wearing a veil over my face, looking at another man, walking beside a man, showing an ankle etc. That in itself is pretty depressing.

Anyway, you have many many many enjoyable years ahead of you. Enjoy the love that your boyfriend and family has for you. Learn a new hobby to take your mind off all this stuff. I taught myself how to crochet hehe. I made my boyfriend a hat and I made some scarves. Keep your mind and hands busy with something you enjoy. It relieves a lot of stress.

[Yakshini]

I'm still rather closeted with my family, so about 75% of the time I present as female or androgynous. I'm much less dysphoric when I can look like a guy, cuz I'm almost fooling myself into thinking that it's real. But in the end, it's not real. I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that someday my body will be the way it should be, but I'm so prone to jealousy as well.
I know exactly what you mean about being envious of your boyfriend... my SO has the most beautiful, statuesque, masculine body. Square jaw, muscles, broad shoulders, he's tall... his body is the very picture of masculinity. And I'm jealous of all you guys who have actually made progress in your transition. I haven't even had therapy to try and get T.

You are definitely in sympathetic company. The only thing I can do to make myself feel better is forget about my body.

[Vin]

I know what you mean, my dysphoria is getting worse just lately and now I've actually admitted to myself why I've never felt at home in my skin forever, it's getting even worse because I can actually pin it down and have a way of directing it at things. *sighs* And being at home makes things worse.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I feel the same although I'm on T. I've never been good with waiting and waiting to look more masculine and acceptable to myself...it's torture. I feel you on the pent up anger. I don't talk about it much irl cause I'm afraid of what people would say or do. It's not like you can go up to a friend and say "I want to take an ax and cut my chest off or gouge a random stranger's eyes out cause they're a cismale, and I'm jealous". But that's how I feel.

[Miniar]

Chiming in with a "I know what you mean" too..
I too got the "promise" of hormones and then the "no, not yet".
All I can say is, hang in there, give it time, and you'll get what you need.

I know it doesn't really help much, but try to keep busy while you wait.