[Please excuse my rough english]
I'm having problems in school.... and I know I can't post my age here so.... my problems are making me frustrating.....
So I am a FTM and I'm new to this whole thing; I've FINALLY KNOW a bit MORE of MYSELF.
I'm very happy with that!!
Growing up for me was like this(past to present)....
- Straight female; (Did not knew about gays AT ALL) I was taught that women were women and men were men.
- Tomboy;... I started dressing as a guy, but I was straight. :/
- Then I was a bisexual....
- Lesbian; I still didn't feel like it was Me; I battled months of depression and had the URGE to kill myself at any moment.... People kept calling me 'emo' because of this.
- It didn't feel right.... so I searched and searched for YEARS and the conclusion that I'm actually male. :] This kind of put my depression on hold.
I can't get surgery yet.... and therapy.... it'll take years for that to come true... but I don't know how long I can hold on my life..... I can't bring myself to talk to my mum and dad; for they know NOTHING about me; literally.
My father was a drunk, and my mum was in another country, and I had a brother but I didn't KNEW I had a sibling until my father said he was. (He's not my half-brother, I just didn't knew about him...) These are my definition of my parents; on why I CAN'T get any support and help from them....
Father: He was drunk most of the time. He would sometimes lie to me to go to his friends drinking... or bring his friends over and get drunk; though he doesn't drink anymore. He used to beat me, and I would cry for my mother, but she wasn't there. He is very religious.... he even bought me 3 bibles... and we have many bibles in the house. If he sees a guy wearing pink he calls them gay.
I keep telling him he can't talk bad about other people and just assume things like that.
Mum: I was close to her, but I didn't knew back then she had split personality... She would smile happily at me, but then she would yell and throw things and pull my hair. I kept telling her she would do that to me, she would deny and told me, "I didn't do that, your such a bad kid; you dare talk to your own mother with such a tone;liar." "I should have killed you while you were a baby, your the child of a demon." I talked back to her and said, "Well you ARE a demon." and she would physically and mentally damage me from then on without a care.... of course her 'good side' only appears to strangers and some other people, but she literally fought me in public once(which I learned not do to again.) I told her something was wrong with her and go seek some help, but she refused something was wrong. I only speak a few words to her everyday (hardly speak of a sentence anymore) and keep my best to not catch her attention for her to speak to ME.
I'm too conscious around them; they would trick me, 'I believe you,' but then they would say 'oh, I've never said that'. It's hard to get and real emotions from them. Which is why I am deciding to move out and start out a new life in a few years. I just hope I can make it to those few years.
My concern for the bathrooms.... Well I get really light headed when I go to the girls washroom and I feel kinda alienated going in there. So, every morning I make sure I go to the bathroom at home and when I arrive back after school, or when no-one is near the bathroom. When going out in public restrooms I go to the men's room; not to go pee (I don't think I can pee in the men's room yet) I went there to wait for my father. I used to come with him when I was little, and it felt kind of better being in there than going to the ladies.
So I guess I have to battle depression once again, and wait for the future?
[I'm so sorry, for this is so long!! I'm just letting some things out that I've never told any other human being in the whole world.]
I feel so alienated.
