Hate Living

[Megan]

I hate the life I am living right now and I just want to escape it all, but the point is I feel like a horrible person. I don't know what to do anymore, since I kind of just want to die now but I don't want too. It's not the transgender thing, it's more, it's being me. It's like I am afraid of my family's acceptance, and I fear them because I don't want to shame them. I never had a friend, and it's almost sad, I keep saying this too, but I want a friend now.

I want more than a friend, I want someone to accept me for who I am. A   nd nobody knows me, it's like I am this freak, and I don't want to be a freak anymore. I just hate this life, since my mother doesn't want me to do anything and I can't live like this. I have to live to her standards, and I don't want to do it anymore. I given her everything, so I just want to escape this all so badly.

I have one thousand and a few hundreds, but I have to finish this high school. It's my senior year now, and I have to just end it. It's just so far away and I want to get there, I want to be attractive, and I want to be loved.

It's like it's all building up on me, what should I do??? Should I just become me, what if they kick me out???    I don't think that will happen though, but the worse is that they would be so disappointed in me. I want to change, but I can't. I feel locked up now. I am just existing.

I want to leave today, I don't want to do this life. I want to become someone new, no, I want to be who I am inside.

[Shang]

I'm sorry to hear that, Megan.  I know how it feels to not have friends, I currently have none and I don't know anyone out of school here and I no one at school I can truly be "myself" around.  For this, I really recommend just find a counselor for you to talk to and just kind of get it out of your system and see if they have any suggestions that you can use.  A counselor someone similar might be able to help with everything else, too.  They can help you build up confidence and possibly help you set up fall-backs in case things go bad; they're there to help you, whether it's just listening to you vent or helping you through tough patches.

Just remember, one more year and you can leave your family and really become you.  It's just a year.  It'll be tough, but I think you'll get through it and will be better for it. 

I wish you luck with everything and I'm here if you need anything!

[Megan]

I decided I am going to become me on December 18, 2010. About 160 days from now.

Now I am okay. That was something I had to vent.

[Shang]

I decided I am going to become me on December 18, 2010. About 160 days from now.

Now I am okay. That was something I had to vent.

Good luck!  December, good month, good month. (Nope, not biased...totally not biased for having a b-day in December. <<).

[Megan]

my b-day in there too, but still... i guess i better have a gripe of it.

Wow my mentality went crazy there for a minute, but im back. I always go on forums (this one the most/only) when I hit a point of craziness.

I don't know what I want, I'll just wait and aim.

[lisagurl]

You have to give before you get. Volunteer for public service. Many great people do those kind of things and that is where you will meet them. Forget being attractive that is all media hype. Be virtuous that is what makes friends.

[spacial]

Megan.

I too understand how if feels not to have any friends.

Repeatedly, I've trusted people I regarded as friends, only to be let down and humiliated.

It's so easy, not to mention, glib, for some to say, do this or that. Once you've been shaken it's very difficult to settle down again.

I am uncomfortable with people. I accept that. I keep my contact friendly, brief and to the point.

I was incredably lucky, of course, to eventually find someone to share life with whose experiences were not dissimilar to my own. She is a lot more social than me, but fortunately, has never tried to force me into socialising.

I met my wife, in my late 20s, several years after I had decided to stop trying to make friends. I took that decision simply because it was so uncomfortable.

I wish I could say, the same will happen for you. Sadly, that would be a falsehood and you would know it.

What I can say is, I really believe that, being true to yourself, is more important than trying to live up to expectations.