My name is April, and I am 41. I'm not really sure how to start this introduction, so I suppose I'll just begin with some background.
From early childhood - and I mean the age of 5 - there was something different about me. Nobody, myself included, knew what it was. All I really knew was that "boy" things didn't interest me in the slightest. I gravitated toward barbie dolls, play ovens, jumping rope, hopscotch, etc. I didn't hang around with or play with boys, I associated with girls. In fact almost all the friends I have ever had have all been female, or trans.
Adults treated me like there was something wrong with a young boy playing with dolls, jumping rope, and associating with girls. I got told "boys do this" and "boys don't do that" all the time with the usual disapproving looks. Boys themselves began to catch on that I wasn't quite like them, and began teasing me. I began to withdraw from everyone, becoming repressed and introverted.
Throughout my life, the feminine stuff tried again and again to surface and would usually result in some cross-dressing and fantasizing and nothing more, then would fade as I continued trying to fit the mold I was constantly being forced into. I flirted with suicide; I had grown deeply depressed, moody, sullen, and solitary. I ended up with few friends, feeling as if I didn't matter to anyone. I was filled with self-loathing, and hated mirrors. I felt like a twisted, ugly, deformed THING that didn't deserve to live. I began to fantasize more and more about what it might be like to be a woman. Dressing in private became more frequent, and I started to dress for Halloween and costume parties.
I remember getting a catalog in the mail once that had all kinds of cross-dressing merchandise in it from breast forms to gaffs to clothing and everything in between. I looked through that catalog often, keeping it hidden from girlfriends; wishing I had the nerve to order from it, but fearful of what others might think when they found out. Much of the merchandise was rather pricey, so I never ended up getting anything.
I spent a good part of my life not knowing myself or what was going on. I didn't have any gay or trans friends to talk to, and I was brought up in a tiny little town away from anything that was "happening", so I knew nothing. I thought for years that there was something terribly wrong with me.
The turning point came when I began to stop hiding myself from everyone. I came out as bisexual, and that opened the door to meeting others in the GLBT community and learning more and more about it all. I became friends with a few drag performers and through them and a few close friends, I began to unravel the mystery that was ME.
The moment that I suddenly realized just who and what I was felt like the greatest epiphany in the history of humankind. Every seemingly random and meaningless event in my lift lined up and fell into place and suddenly it... I .... made sense. I knew, finally, who I was. I knew what I was meant to be. I finally knew what had been "wrong" with me all along.
I finally began my journey through transition somewhere between one and two years ago from the moment I first understood, until now. I have been on hormones for between four and five months. I just recently came out publicly to friends and family. Amazingly nearly everyone that was in my life before is still in my life today. For the first time in over 40 years I can honestly say I am happy to be alive. Everyone I know has seen it and commented on it. I no longer hate myself. The darkness and anger and hate and self-loathing are gone. The mirror doesn't bother me any more.
I know I have a long way to go, but still I am content in the knowledge that things are moving steadily in the right direction.
So hello everyone. My name is April, and I am happy to meet you!
<3
