I almost went through with it

[Maddie Secutura]

I almost died today.  I had the kitchen knife in my hand, sat in the tub so I wouldn't make a mess but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I don't really want to die but I want to make everyone understand that I can't spend every day just trying to get by.  The only way I know that would make clear to everyone around me just how much it hurts to have a piece of myself missing is to take myself from them.  I don't want to do it. I really don't but how do I make it clear.  If I weren't such a coward I wouldn't be posting this cry for help.

[Shang]

*hugs*

Honestly, that is a bad way to try and get someone to understand what you want them to.  You would have done something that was permanent, when the situation may feel permanent but it isn't. 

You can take them to counseling with you and have the person help you tell them about how you feel and why you feel it and that that this isn't just a passing thing.

[Sarah Louise]

I am happy you did not go through with it.  Death is permenant and won't help anyone understand your problems.

Please see a therapist.

[Britney♥Bieber]

Thank goodness you didn't hurt yourself bb. Never try to! If people can't understand what you need to do for yourself then that's their fault and it's their loss, not yours! If someone doesn't understand then just try and sit them down and tell them you were just born like this and can't be happy unless you do what you need to do for you! <3

[jmaxley]

I think it takes more bravery to live than to die.  You're very brave.  *hugs*  I've been at that point several times in the past, several times this week in fact.  Keep holding on. 

[Rosa]

Often when someone kills themselves, the family does not know why - even if it should be evident.  If your motivation is to let your family know how you really feel, you might try pouring your thoughts out on paper and either give it to them or read it to them. 

I also urge you to see a counselor.  Life can be better if we get the help and encouragement that we need, AND do what we need to do to take care of ourselves - which is not easy.

[Arch]

When I think about killing myself, I really don't want to die; I just want to stop the pain and/or despair. When I'm like that, I don't see an end to the ugliness. In my stabler moments, I know that there is an end. I just have to figure out how to get there.

Nobody should have to be in this much pain. Please get help.

Hugs.

[Jasmine.m]

:hugs: Maddie... please know that we care very much about you.

[Janet_Girl]

Maddie, have you talked to your therapist lately?  It might be a good place to start.

I have been there and have the scar to prove it.  Do something for you everyday.  Screw others, this one is for you.

We care Maddie and we are here for you.

[Dana_W]

Maddie,

It's important for the people you care about to realize that this is where you are in your struggle. Let them know how death is looking like a very tempting alternative to the life they expect from you. Sometimes this can shake people out of their preconceptions about our gender struggles. Not always. But it definitely breaks through to some people.

When you have a moment to calm down, please a talk with someone close to you. If you can't bring yourself to talk, write a letter. Tell them where you are emotionally, and how close to ending things you came. If that person doesn't help you, tell someone else. If no one near you seems to get it, take this to a therapist ASAP.

You sound like you're getting past the point where bottling these feelings inside to handle alone remains a good idea. Please get some help.

[cynthialee]

I know the taste of gun oil. Like you I just could not finish it. It can be rough for us, family just do not get it friends can be suportive but you can see in their eyes they dont get it either.
Keep in mind that we get it, we understand your pain in a very personal and intimate fashion. I am sure you already know that. You didn't kill yourself, you came here to tell us how you feel. That bespeaks of a true desire to live.

I have no wisdom or sage advice, just a virtual hug and a thank you for trusting us with your pain. I truely hope you can heal and completely embrace your trueself.

[Cindy]

Dear Maddie,

There are too many of us on this site who have tried suicide. Including me. Why? Is it the depression or the fact we cannot live our lives? The more and more I have come out the less suicidal I have been. Yes many people on this site (and on this thread) have turned me away from killing myself. I now think what is the consequence of killing me? I will never be Cindy and live the life I want. I will never be Cindy. I will never be. I am important to me. I love my friends and I think I am a nice person in society. If I kill myself I have lost the desire to be me.

I have a little mantra: I want to live my life as me. No one has the right to stop it, not even me, I am Cindy and I am me I am obviously in the line for some great poetry award  .

OK we all know it is a struggle, where however is the struggle? Is it acceptance , or is it what? define it and maybe we can help in an issue.

Life is not impossible. I went to a very high executive meeting this afternoon. I was proxy for another person. The people there knew me but hadn't seen me for over a year. As I entered the executive secretary, who didn't know me said Oh you are XXX, sorry. Then very quietly whispered in my ear, please can I say they are beautiful ear rings. I was presenting in drab. It was an intense meeting and I got the majority of the total funding for my area with huge debate. No one mentioned my obvious differences in presentation. They were all wearing suits. I had slacks and a blouse. OK no boobs and nothing very feminine but not looking a traditional male. .
I think what I am saying is hang in there. You can and will be you. You cannot be you if you are dead. So don't be dead. If you feel totally suicidal and don't have a therapist to talk to, go to the nearest ER hospital and tell them. They will help. Or phone the crisis lines.

Hugs

Cindy

[spacial]

Hi Maddie

As Cindy says, you are in similar company.

For me, I carry on in the hope that people like us can make a difference.

[glendagladwitch]

I hope you don't scar up your wrists hoping to change other people's attitudes.  It didn't work for me.  I don't know your situation, but it sounds like you just want to make people more sympathetic to your needs.  I didn't have success in changing the minds or attitudes of my friends or family.  If I had it to do over again, I'd talk to them more.  Just keep the lines of communicaiton open with face to face, heart to heart talks.  And don't cry or be needy.  Just be someone strong whom they can count on, but who is going to transition whether they like it or not.  I don't know if that will work.  Maybe some other people who had success in changing the attitudes of their friends and family can offer better advice.

[Sandy]

Maddie:

Thank you for not taking this terrible step.  Please know that there is another way.

You are strong!  You can and will survive this!  You are LOVED!

If you have not already, please seek help from a councilor or therapist or call a suicide hotline.  They WILL help.

We all know the angst that you are feeling many of us have tried and all too many have succeeded in ending their hurt.

You said you did not want to die and you were trying to reach out, to let them know that this was a cry for help.  You can still do that, but you do not need to do this to reach them.  Tell them yourself, tell them of the terrible pain you feel.  Tell them that you need their support to become whole.

-Sandy

[Dryad]

Well; there is a very good thing in this:
Your 'cowardice' has taught you something about yourself.. It's not about cowardice or bravery, though.. Suicide is really hard to do; it goes against all instincts, and saying it's an easy way out is rather unfair. Then again; living isn't easy, either.

Anyway; standing on the brink of death is the best thing to appreciate the value of life. So congratulations! You're alive! And trust me; that deserves a party! Go live some more, and no; suicide won't explain anything either, unless you leave a note, and if you do, you make other people directly responsible for your demise, which is also quite unfair. 'If only they noticed..' That's not very nice, because you're doing a great job not telling anyone.

Live life yourself. Live it fór yourself, by yourself. With others, yes, but not because of them. You only live once, and life ís short. It's a bit hard to go back on definite sollutions; you won't get a second chance when you're dead.
Life may seem hopeless, but it's all you have. And it'll be over soon enough, anyway. Why not make the most of it while it lasts?

[Crypt77]

You got our support. You're not alone out there. You seem like a wonderful person to me, and considerate too since you were sitting in your tub. Life is hard but you will get through it. Many have before and you will too.

[gothique11]

***hugs*** I've been there before, as have many of us, we're here for you.

[Dante]

Sincerely, thank you for not doing it. It will get better, I swear! A lot of us have considered suicide, and many almost did it like you. But they're still here to tell the tale. I survived my suicidal thoughts, and so can you! You don't want to die without achieving your dream, do you? Just hang in there, we're all here for you.

[Maddie Secutura]

I was rather distraught at the fact that I'd been turned down for a job that would have paid me enough to get my surgery.  Having the fulfillment of my dream taken away suddenly was a huge let down.  I'm a lot better now and have discovered a way to turn my "uniqueness" into an advantageous opportunity that should pay enough for me to get my SRS done.