When to Out a Transgendered Dater?

[Shana A]

When to Out a Transgendered Dater?
By RANDY COHEN
Published: July 5, 2010

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/11/magazine/11FOB-Ethicist-t.html?_r=1

I am a straight woman, and I was set up on a date with a man. We got along well initially, but I grew concerned about how evasive he was about his past. I did some sophisticated checking online — I do research professionally — and discovered that he is a female-to-male transgender ed individual. I then ended our relationship. He and I live in Orthodox Jewish communities.  (I believe he converted shortly after he became a man.) I think he continues to date women within our group. Should I urge our rabbi to out this person? NAME WITHHELD, N.Y.

Changed religion and sex? I feel emotionally exhausted if I get a new sport coat. But although this person behaved badly by not being more forthcoming with you, he is still entitled to some privacy. You should not prompt a public announcement about his being transgendered.

[LordKAT]

I have to disagree with the reply on a number of things. First, the time or if to reveal your past. If he didn't feel secure in telling, then he shouldn't. Obviously it was the right decision as she left him because of it and not from not being told.

Two, the advice to go ahead and talk to her friends should be do it without identifying who she means. Talking to her friends and naming the guys is the same as outing him to everyone.

Clearly he thought you'd find it pertinent; that's why he discreditably withheld it, lest you reject him.

There is no way someone can know what another was thinking. This doesn't belong in a thoughtful and public reply. To me it sounds like he didn't feel ready to disclose his past. The woman doesn't say anything about it progressing to the point of kissing or anything else. Yet the reply is full of assumptions on that point.