Learning to Accept Myself Without Relying On Others Acceptance of Me?

[DeannaStarspear]

In my introduction post, a very good thought was brought up on the fact that the only person's acceptance that I need is that of my own. Thing is, I want to accept myself, and deep down inside I do. Throughout my lifetime, I have put on a thousand veils as I call it. For each person that I came across that found something they did not like about me, I put on a new veil in order to make that person happy even if I myself was not. For years, I kept doing so until a few years back, I brought a state of severe depression upon myself. I had begun to realize that with all the veils I had put on, I had actually began to lose sight of who and what I truly was inside. It was then that I started to try to tear away all the veils, but once I had found my true self, I found myself putting new veils on just to make everyone I met happy once again. I now realize that this is a vicious cycle, and I need to break away. I just don't know how to begin to change the habit of being a person who feels I must please everyone I meet by being what they expect me to be and not being my true bisexual transwoman self that I finally have come to accept I am. Any advice on how I can achieve full acceptance of myself and break away from the cycle of relying on others' acceptance of me?

[placeholdername]

The first thing to know is that it's not something that will happen overnight.  It's more like a lifelong struggle.  If you *really* want to come close to what you're talking about, then signing up for something like a Buddhist monastery is probably the best option.

If you're not quite that serious, but rather want to figure out how to accept yourself just enough that it doesn't lead to daily depression and anxiety, it's still a long process, and your best bet is to find someone in your life (not on the internet) who has what you want, and learn everything you can from them.  It's possible to become better at self-acceptance completely on your own, but it's a hell of a lot easier if you have a mentor-type person (or several!) to help you out along the way.

Hopefully that isn't too discouraging -- it's totally worth the effort!

[Robyn]

This may help:

"What other people think about me is none of my business."

And remember that gender counselors can handle other issues besides GID.

Robyn

[Stephanie.Izann]

This may help:

"What other people think about me is none of my business."

And remember that gender counselors can handle other issues besides GID.

Robyn

I love that Robyn! I am going to print that up and put it on my mirror!

[DeannaStarspear]

This may help:

"What other people think about me is none of my business."

And remember that gender counselors can handle other issues besides GID.

Robyn

Thanks. That is a really good quote to live by. I'll try that out the next time I feel I have to please someone else.

The first thing to know is that it's not something that will happen overnight.  It's more like a lifelong struggle.  If you *really* want to come close to what you're talking about, then signing up for something like a Buddhist monastery is probably the best option.

If you're not quite that serious, but rather want to figure out how to accept yourself just enough that it doesn't lead to daily depression and anxiety, it's still a long process, and your best bet is to find someone in your life (not on the internet) who has what you want, and learn everything you can from them.  It's possible to become better at self-acceptance completely on your own, but it's a hell of a lot easier if you have a mentor-type person (or several!) to help you out along the way.

Hopefully that isn't too discouraging -- it's totally worth the effort!

No, this is not discouraging at all. In fact, I find it to be very sound advice. Thank you.

[Shang]

My psychologist would say:  People don't care as much as you think they do.

Yes, it may seem that everyone is truly caring what you do with your life and what you look like but generally they really don't care.  Your family might care a bit more, but they're your family and have more of an interest in you.

[DeannaStarspear]

Your family might care a bit more, but they're your family and have more of an interest in you.

  You know I read your entire post and the reason I quoted this part only is not because I don't agree with everything you said, but rather because this point you made brings up a dilemma I am having with my family not accepting me being a transwoman. The dilemma is this, my recent ex has my two children (my son from a woman before her and my daughter we had together). They live under my adoptive mom's roof because neither my recent ex nor I have enough money to get her and the children in their own home. My mom, though she would still love me no matter what, does not agree nor accept a man that becomes a woman because she feels it is a sin to change the physical body that her god gave to everyone. Therefore, it would be one hell of a fight to even be able to go anywhere near my children as the woman I truly am inside because she would never allow them to be subjected to this sin as she calls it. This is the main reason I feel I need my family to accept me, and the one thing holding me back from actually beginning a true transition.

[Anthrogal]

In a way, I think putting on a mask, to some extent, is normal human behavior and to a degree necessary for socialization. In order to understand another person enough to converse with them, we must first have some idea as to what they are feeling, and even feel it ourselves somewhat as Hume believed. That's empathy.

A film I strongly recommend is Ingmar Bergman's "Persona." It is about an actress who grows sick of putting on false faces for others, in her professional life and personal life. So, she refuses to talk and becomes a passive observor. I would fast forward through the first part until the part where you see a nurse. The very beginning shows very disturbing pictures: an animal being butchered, a nail being driven through a man's hand, corpses. I know that's not a very good testimonial for it, but after you get past that first part, it's a very good movie.

[Shang]

I understand the family thing, granted mine isn't as severe as yours.  Family is the hard obstacle to overcome, but it isn't always possible.

Is it possible for you to sort of compromise when you're in their presence?  Until they get a bit more used to it?

[DeannaStarspear]

Is it possible for you to sort of compromise when you're in their presence?  Until they get a bit more used to it?

Once I do finally begin the transition, it would take some time for things to show, but when they do, it would be very hard to switch back and forth just so my mom can be happy. I have to honestly answer that in this situation, there is no middle ground here. She will not accept my change, and I cannot hide my change once it becomes noticeable. I truly have to take everyone's advice on here that says I should not care what anyone else thinks about my decision as long as I accept myself. I cannot even care what my own family thinks because then I wouldn't get anywhere even to begin my transition. I just have to find a therapist who is good at dealing with male to female transsexuals, and have them help me to approach my family on this, and if that doesn't work, then just try to seek legal ways of obtaining the rights to see my children.

[April Dawne]

More advice I would offer is that you can start transitioning not just with hormones, but by altering the way you dress in small ways, starting with something as simple as jewelry, shoes, pants, etc. before you even begin hormone therapy. As time goes on, add more and more "fem" accessories, hair styling, clothing, etc. Sometimes a slow gradual transition helps the people around you get used to seeing you that way, and they often don't notice the subtle changes, simply accepting them as a part of who you are.

Remember, in many ways the people in your life need to transition along with you. Try to make it as easy for them as possible, and more of them may be able to accept it. Also, don't be so quick to say "oh they just won't accept it" based on little or no real evidence. I thought the same of many of my friends and family, and was surprised that even the ones I thought would have the hardest time actually accepted it much easier than I thought.

The way you approach transition can have a drastic effect on how it affects the people around you. Don't lose hope, and don't be so willing to compromise who you are for someone else's comfort!

~April

[WarHeadJoe3]

ive lived most of my life trying to be wat others wanted me to be to be accepted. i wasnt happy and i fell into depression. i used to be "gangsta" bc people think its cool. but i had a fire inside of me screaming at me. i gave metal a listen and knew what who i should be. honestly, be yourself. if they dont accept you for who you are, then they are not worth it. to be truthful, im still very coldhearted to new people bc of trust issues. i dont want to see you becoming omeone you are not, just to make others happy. if you are happy being yourself, be yourself. dont be what others want you to be. its not healthy

[Arch]

I'm so lousy at self-acceptance that I have to have imaginary people to do most of the accepting. Well, first I had three of them, then none (they made me choose between them or my therapist a couple of years ago), and then one came back recently because he saw how hard a time I was having on my own.

Yes, I know how mad it sounds.

For years, I was so compartmentalized that I thought of these men as autonomous individuals. They couldn't come into my world; I had to become another person and go into their worlds. My therapist helped me to fully accept that my men were manifestations of myself and that all their help came from me. So the imaginary guy who came back to provide support is really me. I urge myself to get things done, I pat myself on the back, I tell myself I'm an okay person, I accept myself--through him.

I suppose it's a crutch, but it's a useful one for people who can use it.

[sarahm]

This phase was relatively easy for me, after 8 months of counselling. I actually began to look in the mirror (pre-HRT / Transition) and could see a girl looking back at me. If this is not acceptance then what is?

I accept and acknowledge the fact that I was in fact born a male, however, in my head, I have always been female. I can't hide from, bury, or deny my past, it is apart of me, and helps to make me who I am today.

Ultimately, you need to look at it as, yes, that was who you were, but who you are is different now.

[justmeinoz]

I have been thinking about acceptance and non-acceptance by society for a while.  I realised last week that wearing a Police uniform had in fact made me a potential target for psychopaths, who hated me for what I looked like, for 30 years. Nothing new there then.

Also, almost all my friends outside work turned out to be my ex-wife's friends and I no longer have any contact with them.Friends who didn't rally around when I needed help are obviously no such thing. Any comments will be from virtual strangers.

I live 3 hours from the rest of my family, and haven't had them visit me for several years. They are not going to be able to comment one way or the other if they don't see me.

So, I have decided I have no reason to care about negative comments about my perceived gender from people whose opinions are of no interest to me. Now all I have to do is put these thoughts into practice. The only one holding me back is me,I guess.   

[Diane Elizabeth]

      I have a similar problem that you talked about.  Always pleasing others.  I have been seeing therapists for years and I don't feel any closer to solving the problem.  Its all about low self esteem.  But none have raised mine yet.  And I don't seem to be able to do it by myself, either.   Hope you find the anser.

[Janet_Girl]

The best words of advise I can give is ...

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

[Colleen Ireland]

Hugs to you, Deanna.  Life really sucks sometimes, doesn't it?  It really doesn't seem fair that life treats US so harshly.  Remember that the way things are now is a far cry from the way things were even a short time ago, so improvement is happening.  Meantime, self-acceptance is the key, but it's the very hardest thing you need to do.  I know EXACTLY what you're talking about with the veils.  I was putting on veils over my OWN eyes, and living in deep denial, till I didn't know who I was at all.  **I** pretty much disappeared over 3 decades.  One thing that would help you is to find a friend or group of friends or some situation in which you can feel totally safe and accepted just as you are.  For me, this happened last weekend when I spent the weekend with my friend (who is gay) in the midst of Toronto's Pride celebrations.  I felt right at home.  Previous to that, I had been assigning feelings of "Bad" to my gender issues, and had felt like I was letting myself and everyone else down.  That weekend, however, I met people who affirmed me for who I am, and told me (how did they know?) that I was way too hard on myself.  So if you can find a situation like that, or spend the weekend with a friend who accepts you, self-acceptance can be easier.

And make no mistake: YOU must accept YOURSELF as YOU ARE.  This requires a lot of self-reflection and exploration - you need to KNOW yourself, and then work at acceptance.  I'm still working on it myself, but I've come a long way in a very short time.  We're pulling for you!

[DeannaStarspear]

Thank you all for all the wonderful advice. I will most definitely take it all in and use it to help me begin to accept myself. I have already begun by taking my uncle's advice. You see, whenever I am not able to see in the mirror the woman I truly am, I get so depressed. In that depressed state, I have to confess that I only achieve making myself looking even more the man I don't want to look like by growing a beard, and then I get even more depressed. My uncle told me that to begin to see myself as the woman I am, I need to keep myself up as a woman would and not let my depression drag me even further away from my actual goal. Also, I actually got dressed up for the first time in my dress, panties, bra, and wig that I had bought a while back. Sorry I don't have any pictures. I tried having my uncle take some with my phone, but it was dark and the light from the ceiling light caused too much of a glare, so he said we would wait until a day when I finally do get over my fears of going public and the sun was out to take them. He also said we would use his digital camera instead of my phone, so that they will be of better quality.