Oh for goodness sake PLEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEASE stop tormenting yourself like this.
Do you realise how painful it is for us all to watch? Your poor mother must be a saint. She may not know why, but she knows you are hurting and she desperately want to help you. That is cryingly obvious. What more do you want? - Blood maybe?
For goodness sake stop hitting her round the head with a psychological cosh and do the humanly decent and considerate thing and be HONEST with her.
Look how many more times do you need it spelled out. IT WILL BE OK. You are NOT leaping off a cliff, you are just asking for help with a problem. A problem which hundereds of thousands of people world wide have had to deal with. This isn't a dark and shameful thing! Do you secretly believe we are all terrible failures or something! We aren't. So stop fighting who you are.
The worst bit is, by the sound of it, you have the kind of sympathetic mother that many here would KILL to have.
Now PLEASE stop flinging your lucky blessings back in the face of fate and have that conversation.
It's your life of course, and like people say you have an absolute right to do it when you feel ready, but the fact is it makes excruciating reading for those of us who have been there in the past watching you torturing yourself needlessly like this.
That plaster has to come off. The sooner you rip it off, the sooner the pain is over and you can get on with your life, but leave it on too long and the healed wound underneath will fester and you will be in a worse situation.
