Quote from: Colleen Ireland on August 09, 2010, 06:22:05 PM
Cher, can you elaborate, please? I'm pre-everything, and maybe I'm not even a candidate, and I've been in deep denial for almost 30 years but now I'm experiencing the dysphoria again, and I cannot IMAGINE having to just live with it! But ...post-SRS? Dysphoria? Please say it ain't so!
Mmm. The short answer is that I experienced it. If one person experiences it (and is willing to share it), then it's likely that there are others. It's possible. If it's possible, one is well advised to consider it. It remains to be seen how this book ends. I'm still looking for a solution. I thanked Valerie for reminding me of that feeling I once had. The contrast with what I've been feeling is so remarkable, that it's given me something to chew over with my therapist tomorrow.
Bottom line is we all must do our due diligence. No two of us are exactly alike and we will all handle the stresses in our life differently. It took a couple big hits to knock me down to where I find myself right now. Not the least of which was being completely "excommunicated" by my family. That's just a fancy word for being disowned. The significance of that for me was that what I thought I knew love to be was shaken to its core. Their love meant a lot to me. Still, it was an equitable loss to what I gained from transitioning. Still, I persevered with the energy Valerie spoke of. She's 100% right. Your energy is like 99.9% of being accepted as female. It was an essential part of the happiness I experienced.
Two different occasions the mainstream groups that had replaced my family crumbled. One had nothing to do with me. The entire group broke apart because of a breakup by the founders of the group. The other, a malicious person searched for information on me and discovered my past. After being a prominent part of both groups for two years, they were each suddenly "taken" from me. Several other similar hits from close friends interspersed in there and it's hard to not have trust issues.
The last event sapped my energy hard. I can't bring myself to forge new relationships to have them taken away again. I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Without the social interaction, we are islands unto ourselves. The need we feel to receive the kind of treatment Valerie spoke of is absent, if that's the case. While my mind and body may be in sync, the real dysphoria is experienced as a result of the mind and body not receiving the social nourishment it craves to respond to.
I could name dozens of other things that you may find more meaningful to you. But there will be things you encounter that you will find prominent reminders and a mild twinge of dysphoria will return, but easily managed. The realization that you never experienced being "Daddy's little girl," you resent your participation in your High School prom, feeling your maternal instincts kicking in and the ensuing reality of never giving birth, or as in my last relationship, my soon to be boyfriend was always pointing out little girls in public and saying, "See, you were all so cute when you were that age." When I finally came out to him, that stopped, even though we continued to date seriously for awhile. Insignificant and manageable to be sure. Still, for some, that may bring back the dysphoria.
Maintaining the love and support of your family and friends is half the battle. If at all possible, hold on to that. Remember, this is just my story, my experiences. They have left me feeling old, tired and a bit jaded sometimes. If I had it to do over again, I would do almost everything exactly the same. It was the right cure, as Valerie stated, for me. Still, if and when the dysphoria returns, it's like seeing a demon you thought you once vanquished returning to devour you. I don't know what's in store for my future and it scares me. I don't know how much more I can take.
On a positive note, I have no reason to believe it's a foregone conclusion that we will all experience the return of dysphoria. Mine is simply a warning that it can. YMMV. Cherish that energy. Be ever mindful of its health. It's my fervent hope that none of you experience the return of dysphoria and you maintain that positive energy for the rest of your long and happy lives.
Cher
PS... sorry for the long post.
