Explaining to the cisgendered

[MRH]

My boyfriend is the most understanding person I have ever met yet I still find it very hard to make him understand my issue. He tries very hard and is supportive but still doesnt quite understand why I feel the need to change my body. Has anybody found a good way to make cisgender folks get their heads around it?
We had a talk not long ago which I got very upset over as I could not put it across right. He questioned whether I was just having some identity crisis and wanted to fit in and had therefore convinced myself I should be male. It was really hard to find a way to explain to him that it wasnt the case. Because we are both computer nerds the best metaphor I could come up with was I'm running the software of a man with the hardware of a woman lol and its not compatable. I can see why he doesnt understand as once upon a time, before I realised and accepted my own gender, I would of found trans people very strange and hard to understand. Can anyone think of a good way to make him and my family get a better understanding?

[cynthialee]

I like the fuel analogy.
The brain needs a fuel to run right. Male brains need T fuel and female brains need E fuel and if you put the wrong fuel into the wrong engine it will work but not at optimal preformance.

Also ask him how he would feel if everyone in the world started reacting to him as a woman and not acknowledgeing he was a man. In spite of all he knew and believed everyone thought he was a girl. How would he feel?
What if he woke with the wrong sexual parts? Would he be ok just playing girl or would he seek a medical cure to his new disease?

[kyril]

The computer analogy works great. We're running a male OS on female hardware. So there are some serious stability issues - the hardware sends signals the OS doesn't recognize, and the OS tries to access peripherals that aren't there. We crash a lot. Also, whenever anyone sees the logo on our case, they try to hook us up to the network with all the other female computers, but it uses a communication protocol we can't recognize.

[Shang]

The computer analogy works great. We're running a male OS on female hardware. So there are some serious stability issues - the hardware sends signals the OS doesn't recognize, and the OS tries to access peripherals that aren't there. We crash a lot. Also, whenever anyone sees the logo on our case, they try to hook us up to the network with all the other female computers, but it uses a communication protocol we can't recognize.

I love this!  I'll probably borrow it later on.

[LordKAT]

You can't explain to the cisgendered.  They are incapable of understanding.
They can be compassionate and accepting but they can not ever truly understand.

Agreed but  I do agree with kyril analogy being a good way to attempt an explanation.

[MRH]

Actually I managed to get him to understand it a bit better once by relating it to an issue in his life. He really admires his old mentor at school and considers him a friend. Now that he is out of school they sometimes go out drinking. He really wants his mentor to see him on a more friendly level and invite him out more but because my boyfriend is a lot younger he doesnt seem to want to hang out with him as much especially around mates his own age at the pub. My boyfriend has always struggled with friends because he doesnt get on with people our age because mentally he is a lot older and relates better with people of a higher age. Now no matter how much he proves his mental age and maturity people will still view him as this teenager who they probably wont have much in common with. So even though he is a lot older and acts it people dont seem to notice that. Like me, I am a boy and act that way but no matter how much I try to prove myself everyone will see me as a girl. Thats why I need to change.

[jmaxley]

The computer analogy works great. We're running a male OS on female hardware. So there are some serious stability issues - the hardware sends signals the OS doesn't recognize, and the OS tries to access peripherals that aren't there. We crash a lot. Also, whenever anyone sees the logo on our case, they try to hook us up to the network with all the other female computers, but it uses a communication protocol we can't recognize.

Being a computer geek, I love this analogy.

[Muffin]

Analogies are great but I like to keep it more relative...
it basically is gender dysphoria and those two words sum it up quite well when broken down.

If they can't answer the question "what is gender?", fill them in...
expressing how it includes the concept of gender identity, the self perception between the masculine and feminine and how this self perception is different to our biological sex.. thus creating a dysphoria of self identity.

We have a gender that is the opposite to our "born" sex (body)...
and in order to correct this we require...
the use of hormones and surgery...
to realign our true core gender with a new body that matches.

We change the body to match the mind because we can't change our gender-identity but we can change our bodies and physiological make up.

Imagine someone suggesting to you that you need to change your gender.. it seems ridiculous right lol! [good to add some humour to keep it light ]

Gender Dysphoria is a condition that comes about from something that occurs during pregnancy, we develop in a different way which basically means it is something we are born with.
It is not a life-style choice nor is it something we choose to have in any way, we are born with it just like some people are born with lazy eyes or albinism.
And because of social stigmas and human nature people look differently upon us for no rational reason.

[pebbles]

Well they can understand sort of... They understand that it was extremely painful and that I was completely isolated.

The scars on my arm are extremely useful for this purpose. I guess they do have a use.

I explain.
"I'm a transsexual I've always felt this way it was killing me the self harm was a long term coping technique and I'd been doing it for over ten years, ten months ago the cutting stopped working... realizing my choice was dishonor, or death. I choose to live."

Normally people go.
"I had no idea..." the evidence clear as day written onto my body. occasionally they get confused as to how self harm can be a coping mechanism. Whitch is oddly trickier to explain than the Trans thing.
Although a gross simplification of the ritualized process I go.
"I was a prisoner in my body with no control of anything, The act of lashing out within my own power against my perceived tormentor gave me some temporary solace."

[Sinnyo]

I suppose that's because plenty of other people have self-harmed without gender dysphoria being the cause, Pebbles. There is no outwards identifier really, apart from a feminised (or masculinised) appearance during and sometimes before transition. That's been part of the problem for me. Scars only suggest a 'coping technique' like you say.

[Renate]

Being transgendered means that you have a place deep down inside that hurts.
Even after transition, when this place has been patched over pretty nicely, it's still there.
When you read or hear about somebody else's battle with GID, that dormant ember fans into full flame.

Cis-folk don't have this place, that's why even the nicest sympathy doesn't rise to empathy.

[justmeinoz]

Best analogy I have thought of is having a jigsaw puzzle that is in the wrong box. The pieces start to fit together ok, but every time you get a few together you realise they don't match the picture on the lid. What is going on here!!

[sandra]

  I am sure that there are many--perhaps the vast majority--of cisgendered people who
do not & possibly cannot understand.  But in my mid-60s I have a very dear friend who
is in her early 80s and she definitely does understand!  She & I have talked
about my transgender feelings many times, and just like a good gender therapist would
do, she shows she understands by restating what I have said in a way that sometimes
even says it better.  She has been totally comfortable with me when I present as female,
and has gone out to eat with me and said that I seemed totally natural to her.  She has
even helped me try on clothes that were left to me by a mutual friend who passed away.
I could go on, but I will say that she treats me as if I were a younger sister!

Thanks,

Sandra