I have a very interesting story to tell.
I came out two years ago to a close minded middle eastern Christian six person family. No one accepted it and they tried to "cure" me through various methods, especially my father. There were times where he would make me walk in front of him in the neighborhood trying to teach me to "walk like a man". After I told them I was a girl and I wanted to live as my true female self, hell broke loose in my home. I was not allowed to go into my sisters room, my dad forced me to cut my hair short (but he's always done this to me because they've always known about my femininity), I was not allowed to hang around my female cousins if they came over, I could not move my hands when I speak, walk feminine in any way whatsoever, and I had to act like a man. Well, because I have always been extremely feminine (not to be confused with flamboyant) from the day I was born, I have never been able to do any of the above. No matter how hard my father tried or threatened me or tried to scare me into "being a man" it never worked. Everyone could tell I was such a girl and this always angered my father. In my culture, the father is pretty much the one who determines everything, so if he accepts me, then everyone else in my household would. But he did not.
One year ago when I realized nothing was changing, I started HRT in secret under a doctor's supervision. I had to know what I was getting myself into if I was really choosing this life and whether the hormones would even work or not. So I started hormones and changes came fast, and I should point out that I was 19 when I started them. My face began to femininse, my nipples protruded, and what little muscle mass I had disappeared. After about four months on hormones, I was still presenting as male (but really I just wore skinny jeans and tank tops with tight hoodies all the time) and no one could tell anymore that I wasnt a boy. I was always referred to as a female wherever I went even though I had very short hair, and by this time, my father started picking up how feminine my face was.
On New years day, my mom came to my room and told me that my dad said my chest was pointing out and that he thought I might be taking hormones. This scared me to death because I knew if he found out I was on hormones, he would do something drastic. So, I began binding my breasts. Months later, I realized my face looked completely like a girl, and yet my family could still not grasp that I was a woman. Nothing was improving and no one cared. I realized I couldnt live like this anymore, doing hormones in secret and not really living as myself, wasting time for people to accept while I could be living my life. So,I left three months ago which was extremely shocking to do in our culture. Even though we live in the United States, we stick to our traditions. Everything was horrible at home because I am the youngest in the family, and in strict middle eastern culture, you dont leave the house until you marry, especially when your older siblings are still home. I am now living full time as my true girl self and I pass extremely well and have had no issues at all with that. In a couple weeks, I will have been on hormones for a full year.
The issue now is just not being able to see or talk to my mom. She never put me down my whole life or told me I was "possessed by the devil" for being different and we had the closest bond. We have tried to talk once a week in secret on the phone to keep our relationship, but she and I always break in tears and she wants me to come back to God and be the boy that God created, but thats never going to happen because I'm a girl.
So now, this past Friday she pretty much told me that I have to change my last name because my father doesnt want someone like me to be associated to them and shame the family honor. Omg I burst into a mental breakdown of tears and it wasn't really the fact I had to change my name but it was because she was the one who told me. I feel like it really is the end where they really will never accept me no matter what. I mean, its been two years since I came out, and three months since I left home and still no budge from anyone to support me or want me to come back home as the real me. It hurts so bad because I feel so betrayed and unloved and I don't understand how anyone could really do this to their family. I learned that their really is no such thing as unconditional love and it breaks my heart that they could just leave me like this for the sake of people from our culture not seeing me so that it doesnt look bad on my family name. I don't know how to cope with this anymore. I just know that I dont regret transition AT ALL because I am not depressed anymore about life. It just hurts finally having found peace within myself but having no family to go home to. Can someone please help me make sense of this?
