getting married to a pre-op TG

[meryartist]

My boyfriend of 7 years, Kris, and I are getting married later this year. He is unfortunately 6'8" tall and has not gone through any kind of transition yet because he think he is "too big". I've known he was trans forever now. The thing is, I am a straight female, but we are so close I don't mind the idea of him transitioning one day.
But here's the kicker:
My family wouldn't quite know what to think of him wearing a dress on our wedding day. I know my dad would not like it, he has already stated this. He is not against us getting married though. Should I just uninvite everyone in my family? I really want them to be there...but I really shouldnt if they would have a problem with Kris in a dress...I feel like I would be selfish....he has his father coming as well who does not know about Kris. I just dont think our wedding is the time to come out to everyone. Its just that I have always dreamt of a wedding with my family there...I don't want to uninvite them because I wouldn't want to have to answer everyone's questions that night...
I thought maybe we could have a seperate ceremony where he could wear a dress...but he says no, its the main wedding our not. He's kind of putting it all on me...making it a "down to the bone" DYI wedding...I'm making everything from the centerpieces to my bouquet. Now I have to make the descision if he is wearing a dress or not...I feel very stressed. Should I say screw it and break reservations to have a wedding with just me and him?
I dont have a problem with it personally. I just wanted to have my family there...
I didn't want anyone to laugh at him (her) and/or be mean. Honestly, even though I'm very sure it hurts, he will be a man in a dress...god that doesn't sound good coming out...probably b/c I'm imagining saying it to Kris. It really pains me bc he has been turned off on helping with the wedding plans. My mom "jokingly" mentioned to my dad that he wants to wear a dress and my dad, not knowing that Kris is a TG person, said "I think Id shoot ya!"...he took it hard. My dad is not very open and didn't know how to take this new info. I can understand why Kris is upset with my dad, but you can't change ppl really. I was just thankful that the only thing my dad said to me about it was asking me if I knew what I was getting into. I reassured him that I love Kris and that I've know for 6 years and that it doesn't matter to me. I know that Kris loves me and will take care of me. My dad is still confused by the whole TG thing; he just doesn't really understand it. But I feel torn. When I mention to Kris that maybe its not a good idea to wear a dress, I feel in a way like I'm not supporting him. He feels like he's giving into everyone and not getting to be his true self on his wedding day. But I kind of feel like its asking a lot of others at the wedding...I just really want my family to be there and be happy for us. If he is in a dress I know that will be the only focus and it will not be about us getting married. I really don't think everyone should know at this point. Maybe someday but not now.
Typing all of this out is really helping me think through things. I have no doubts about marrying Kris. I just feel torn about standing by my future mate and conforming to my family....just for one day. Everything else about the wedding is definately not going to be conformed to convention. I'm an artist so I am making the whole thing a piece of artwork really...kind of proud of it. I just really really want to share in this exciting experience of planning this awesome wedding with Kris. He's so turned off that I hate mentioning any cool ideas to him. Its a mess
Again, it feels good to think this out and coming close to peace of mind. Thanks!
Here's my blog with some stuff about the wedding:
http://devinedaze.blogspot.com/

PS: I don't know if he is ever going to transition. He feels embarrassed of his height and feels he would look ridiculous...but I'm sure all ppl thinking of going through transition feel this way somehow.

Thanks for your time!

[spacial]

If your boyfriend want to wear a dress on his wedding day then he should.

If anyone else, whoever they are, doesn't like it, that is their problem.

Invite people in the normal way, or whatever way you deem appropriate.

This is your day. Your as in yours, and his. This is perhaps the one day, in your whole lives that you can say is your (s) day.

If anyone else thinks they can dictate how either of you should celebrate your day then they can either stay away or shut up.

Frankly, they only person who should have any say in this is you. Even then, you both need to compromise on each other's wishes. Let's face it, marriage is about compromise, compromise, compromise, until you compromise so much, it becomes a habit and you find yourselves thinking the same things all the time.

Good luck with your marriage.

Marriage is the best.

[FairyGirl]

You can give them the option to come or not. Just say, "Kris wants to wear a dress for the wedding. We would like you to come if you can be okay with that."

If some guest's presence at your wedding is going to draw more attention than you as the bride then they shouldn't be there. This is your day, not theirs.

[rejennyrated]

Very difficult because as always there are two sides.

On the one hand I think everyone should wear what they want to their wedding. Its not something you do again and for most Trans women the lack of the big white dress on the day can be a cause of lasting sadness. On the other hand weddings are notorious for bringing out the worst in people, particularly relatives who may have had too much to drink, and it would be terrible if someone did say something out of turn.

I think if you are going to do it you will have to come clean to some extent with your Dad about the fact that this is something that you have discussed and both support. Perhaps remind him that this is YOUR day, not his. Once that has gotten into your fathers mind, and he is more comfortable with the idea then anyone else can get stuffed.

In our case both being long-term postop women it was non contentious. We both wore what we wanted. Our only problem was that having met in 1988 we had to wait until 2005 before the UK law could deal with two postop transwomen who wanted to marry. And even then we had the senior registrar in the county at our wedding because on the first day of the civil partnership act we were testing it to the very limit! 

I once had to rescue my own partner at my cousin's wedding when a drunken relative of his new wife started kicking off about us being a pair of filthy lesbos. (which of course made us both smile at the irony of being abused for passing convincingly! Sometimes you just can't win )

Your partner really should not worry about height. Alison (seen here beside me is over 6 foot) and she did some modeling when she was younger. I love her to bits, partly because I'm 5 foot 8 - but even in boots with heels (such as I am wearing in these pics) I look positively short beside her!

Anyway just for the hell of it - here are two pics taken on our own wedding day!


Just us.

With the "relatives" as you can see everyone is fine...

[LynnER]

My ex and I had planned 2 weddings both with in the same week... the legally unofficial family friendly one for all the old folks and relatives that just wouldn't get it. And OUR wedding (Official) where we invite all our friends and those of the family that did get it.

Best of luck to you two and hope you get it figured out.

[cynthialee]

It is your life to share with your spouse, not your families.

As an aside....You do realise that Kris is a woman, regardless of outward looks do you not?
You state that you are strait, cool groovy. Also you say your hunny has no intention to transition. ... I told that one to my wife a few years ago. So did alot of the others here. There is a chance that your husband will become your hersband some day. The fact the she wants a dress at the wedding is very telling.
My marriage is surviving transition even though I lied and broke that promise. I am lucky in that regard.
I am not trying to rain on your parade. Just trying to prepare you. How would you feel if your mate comes to you in 4 years in a ball of tears saying that transition is the only way she can avoid suicide?
I hope you do have a great wedding and some of your family can see beyond their bias but I wouldn't hold my breath.

[Llewelyn]

Do what makes you happy, if your familys cannot accept it, it's unfortunate but you shouldn't compromise your union for them. Maybe just mentally prepare for the worst, tell them your honest intentions of the wedding, and if they accept it great, if not well you didn't have your hopes up.