Late introduction early good bye

[Nicky]

I know everyone is trying to help here and it is freaky, but I think it best if we can hold off a bit. I think evil has a story to tell and we should give them space to tell it.

[BunnyBee]

Many of us, too many on these forums, have also reached a point of utter hopelessness in our lives like you say you feel now.  In fact, not too long ago I was looking at my life, seeing only two paths in front of me and I felt I couldn't live with the consequences of either.  With no hope of a bearable future and, facing the overbearing futility of it all, I began to rapidly lose my will to live.

Yet here I am now, quite happy and content with my life and so thankful to be here.

And here are so many others who have also felt as you do now, saying, and even pleading that you should give yourself a chance and not give up.

I honestly believe, because I've been in a similar place, that you are caught in a moment that will eventually pass.  If you don't give up on yourself, you will one day look back be thankful you hadn't, and so will all the people on whom you make a positive impact from this day forward.  And you will make a difference in other people's lives, especially if you want to, but even if you don't.

[rejennyrated]

I know everyone is trying to help here and it is freaky, but I think it best if we can hold off a bit. I think evil has a story to tell and we should give them space to tell it.

Agreed - that is what this forum is for, and I think the problem here is, as I said there is, as yet, a gap in comprehension which makes it difficult to offer the help that we would all wish to. I sincerely hope we may hear that story.

[Cindy]

Nero and I are trying to work through this.

It's a sad situation people be careful.
Love & Love

Cindy

[Evilangel]

Thanks for your concern, I have my low moments and this is one. The story is I don't want to be trans at all. I want to be genetically correct with the right childhood. I hate this mess and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. The so-called treatment is not what I'm interested in. I won't settle for less than what I'm looking for and this whole thing isn't even close. It's my right not to take what the doctors have to offer and live with less than others get for just being born. I want the right parts, I want the right bone structure, I want the right life and sorry no amount of convincing is going to get me to accept this. Some of you seem to be somewhat ok with being trans and taking the transition. It's not for me. I hate the GRS, I don't want to have to dilate to have that reminder that everytime I do I'm reminded of what I am. Not having the elasticity or the ability to lubricate, no forchette and having to live with results that as Jenny put it "are the best modern science has to offer". Also having to live in fear of being read or having my past which I'm very ashamed of come back to bite me.

[Nicky]

Totally your right not to take what is offered. You don't have to accept being trans. I mean lets face it, we have a pretty ->-bleeped-<-y lot. It is freaking hard work. For you to last this long must have taken a lot of strength. I really respect that. It is a horrible thing to live in fear too.

You have by the sounds of it a really great family, and good friends, to be able to talk to them about it.

[Hurtfulsplash]

I know how you feel, I wish I was born with the right parts too. I just hope you stick around.

[lilacwoman]

[quote  Also having to live in fear of being read or having my past which I'm very ashamed of come back to bite me.
[/quote]
well you're refusing to accept the evidence of the many post-ops who lead nice happy lives so if what you see in the mirror can never be accepted as a woman despite living ten years as one then yep, it would be a nice release from your torment to pull the trigger.
The trouble is that it will just give ammunition to all these people who claim sex change is a waste of time and should be banned.

[Hurtfulsplash]

then yep, it would be a nice release from your torment to pull the trigger.

C'mon you guys need to stop these sort of comments.

I know post op people can live great lives, and Evilangel is not saying that srs is a waste or should be banned, just that it's not for Evilangel. It bothers me that some people are saying such hurtful things when Evilangel is in such a fragile state.

[Renate]

Why don't you try SRS, Evilangel? You have nothing to lose.
Many of us are very happy with the results.

I think that you are drawing too big a line between born-women and made-women.

One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.

[Cruelladeville]

*I just want a normal life*

And what would that be exactly?

What does normal entail? No really.... I'd love to know....??

I've met plenty of f#cked-up allegedly 'normal' people.... to realise that happiness is not a god given state of permanence to anyone in fact. And a big part of what's killing this planet and damaging society is what Oliver James would term...'Affluenza'

http://www.selfishcapitalist.com/affluenza.html

(I'm a great fan of the wisdom that emanates from Buddhism)

'Believe nothing merely because you have been told it.
Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher.
But whatever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be kind, conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings - that doctrine believe and cling to and take it as your guide...'

Many Trans folk I have had the privilege and pleasure of coming into contact with.... have due to their inherent experience of battling on against the odds - with the given burdens of self - managed to find some virtue of character that makes them 'exceptional' beings in fact.

(And hail-Mary to that)

But I will give you too; that many remain troubled souls getting lost in the myth of attaining perfect femininity.... this affects many 'normal' women too...

(Like the holy-grail a pointless misplaced faith based pursuit)

Though I can fully condone a person seeking the best help one can muster.

Stop wallowing in self-pity... take responsibility for your pain....and get on with being your warts-n-all self....even if it entails an attached penis....

Many children are born with far worse conditions than intersexuality disorders.... Cystic Fibrosis quickly comes to mind...

And I suspect if you start focusing outward... reward will then find you....

[marleen]

Hello there Evilangel,

From what I've been reading in this thread, it makes me wonder how you found the strength to keep going forward for 10 years, only to give up right before the last step?
Don't those 10 years prove something? That you are a strong person, capable of living your own life? You talk about having people who support you, aren't they there now?
This decision to end it all now seems so sudden after all those years.
You are who you are, and it does not matter which label you give to yourself, so I do hope with all my heart that you somehow find the courage to keep going until the last step has been taken. In my opinion evaluation comes after things have been finished.
Try to hold on to life girl, it's the best (and only) thing we have, even though it doesn't always look that way.

[Nero]

Why don't you try SRS, Evilangel? You have nothing to lose.
Many of us are very happy with the results.

I think that you are drawing too big a line between born-women and made-women.

What she said. What do you have to lose by trying transition on for size? You can always end it later if it doesn't help. And at least you wouldn't die as a man then. Have you had HRT? I way underestimated the mental relief from taking HRT. If you are transsexual, your brain is running the wrong fuel and clouding your perceptions.

I know it just seems so horribly unjust to miss out on the benefits of being a woman from the start with all the appropriate plumbing and history. I think most of us have been angry about that at one time or another. But just think - if you had been born a cisgirl you wouldn't know what a gift it was! If you've never been hungry, you can't really know the relief of a full stomach, and the same with gender. That will make your life as a woman all the more special, don't you think?

[glendagladwitch]

Your so wrong and please don't tell me everything is going to be ok. That's not the truth it's not ever going to be like it should have been. I want this to never have happened to me in the first place. I'm not going to accept it. I refuse this life. I want what I should have had from the begining and no one can provide that.

This is just a suggestion, but I think you should ask your therapist about electroshock therapy.  I know it sounds scary but it will produce amnesia, and interrupt this cycle of despair for you.  The person I know who had it said that most of the memories come back gradually, but they are more distant, like they happened to someone else, so you don't feel the same way about them, and you can deal with them more easily and only a little at a time.  He wound up not transitioning at all, and does not think of himself as trans anything.  In a sense, it's a sort of suicide, like a way to become somebody else.

[Karla]

Hi Evilangel, I know you're in such an extreme state and I was there and those were similar to my thoughts not long ago, like nothing is going to be good enough and it was not just about my body.

You don't have to force yourself to accept something you're not ready to, if it comes it will be at the right moment. I can only share my experience, and that is that I came to look at things differently after what seemed to be painful repeated cycles of grief. Now I don't feel like I settled for less either.

Please keep hanging around the forum, trust me on that 

[stealth2010]

Hmmm...I must be on another planet. For awhile, i was living as "trans"and I agree that it wasn't very desirable. But after several surgeries, I am just a "normal" Lesbian woman. In fact, I was in a relationship for several months (actually twice) before revealing my status.

But I think the main point is that when one is a woman, people accept that. If one isn't a woman, no technology can change that.

[Kellsie]

I know Thursday is just a day away now.  Angel please reconsider this.  If I could I would just give you a hug, if you do what you are considering, there will be those friends or family that will suffer for years to come.  All trans is is a title or a lable, it is not something we have to reveal to society.  Though you may never be able to have the right plumbing or have children does not mean life is not worth living.  You served your country, so enjoy its freedom.  One soldier to another, please do not do this.  I have lost one to many soldiers already.  I am pleading with you, give life a chance, and live it however you must but taking your life is....you can put whatever title or label on your life you wish, but I call you friend, comrade, sister in arms, battle buddy, think about all the people who will be hurting for years to come because of your decision.  It will hurt me to lose another soldier.

[blackMamba]

Wow, beheading is a very unique way to do it.  How did you rig that?  It must have taken careful planning.  My fear is the head would stay alive for a while after it was severed and I would feel intense regret.  In fact, it does stay alive for a couple minutes at least.  What a way to go...

But, it sounds like you've weighed your options.  You've thought this out carefully and reality is not something you are interested in.  I guess there is nothing I can say that will make you change your mind.  I hope you find peace.  It's not the way I would go about it, but I sort of understand your pain, although probably not completely.