Hey everyone, I'm totally new here though I've been around reading threads on Susan's Place for quite a while now. ^^; I'm excited to build up an online support group and find some like-minded friends with whom I can converse about what is still an extremely sensitive topic for me...
So let's see...introductions...where to begin...
I was born and raised as a girl in the deep south of the United States. While my parents are both brilliant, loving, open-minded professionals with radical views and beliefs, my extended family is your typical southern Christian conservative bunch with semi-racist feelings and a muddled history. I grew up in a smallish town where everyone knew everyone, and you were considered flat wrong if you didn't regularly attend church or vote Republican. (Interestingly, my mom is an ordained United Methodist minister....but that's a WHOLE other story
)
Growing up, I always felt incredibly different from other girls. I distinctly remember a period when I was really young, wanting to run around in the backyard in long shorts with no shirt on in some attempt to emulate other boys. When my mom would stick me in dresses, I felt terribly uncomfortable and subsequently had (and still have) bad problems with anxiety. In daycare, I played sports and dinosaurs with the other boys; if I was ever made to play with the girls for whatever reason, I'd end up being the brother or the dad, or even the dog (if we played "house" for example). Because of the way I insisted on dressing and how short my hair was at the time, I was regularly mistaken for a boy...inside, I really liked that.
Despite my anxiety, I was always into drama - I was a member of the local community theater for a while and enjoyed performing. When I was in the 4th grade, we put on the play Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory......I remember my grandmother really wanting me to be Violet Beauregarde; she'd bug me about that nonstop during the weeks leading up to auditions. But when it came time for auditions, I adamantly opposed trying out for that role and instead auditioned for the part of Charlie Bucket. I GOT IT! Up until I was around 14 I always had extremely short hair (sort of a bowl cut), so it was no problem for me to pass during the play. Being Charlie up on that stage was one of the happiest times I can remember. Of course, some kids at school had seen the play and I got teased about being a boy for a long time after that.
It wasn't really until highschool that I really started realizing how different I felt. I did have long hair, but I always made a point to dress as androgynously as possible. I guess it was around this time (or maybe during late middle school) that I discovered the wide world of online written roleplaying. At first I was really into Lord of the Rings roleplays - my character was generally one of the four main hobbits ^^ - but I quickly branched out into all kinds of genres. From the very start, it only made sense to me to have male characters. As I got older and my characters were being put into situations where they might be in relationships, I started to notice that it wasn't right at all for them to be with female characters. After all, I'm not attracted to women. So they were all gay, and it felt just right. By day I was your average dorky anxious girl, by night I could feel free. The characters I created felt like extensions of myself; they all had some aspect of my personality. It was like I was living vicariously through them.
My senior year of high school was the first time I ever went cross-dressing in public. Three of my best friends at the time and I went to dinner together, and I went as a boy while they all dressed as their "normal" genders. Looking back on it, I sure as hell didn't pass very well. Secretly, I was trying hard to - I really wanted to. But to my friends, it was just a joke. Something funny to do while we were bored.
When I got to college, my world fell apart. I was accepted into a pretty good, extremely liberal college (Oberlin)...a place where it seems like I should've been comfortable exploring this side of myself. Instead I ramped up my denial even more, and in the process, I started down a pretty destructive path. I don't think I was denying this male part of me totally intentionally; I knew something was there that needed to be addressed, but the mere idea of thinking it or even saying how I felt out loud TERRIFIED me. After another year there of escalating anxiety and depression, I ended up coming back home on medical leave. None of my friends or professors really knew what was going on with me - I think they thought I was going crazy or something. I drank and smoked way too much weed. I couldn't go to class, and if I did I couldn't focus. I really wanted to die.
Anywho...now here I am...feeling loads happier/healthier...also feeling like I have a solid grasp on who I truly am as a person. I left college on medical leave last May and have been home living with my parents for a year now. With lots of therapy and honest time alone with my thoughts, I've finally come to realize that it is unhealthy for me to ignore or suppress my true identity. I've gotten to the point where I can actually talk with some of my best friends here at home about this. Some don't really seem to understand when I tell them "I feel like a guy", while others are totally supportive and kind about it. One night (while pretty drunk lol) I even said something to my mom along the lines of, "So.......I think I'm having issues with my gender....." but it was left at that, and that was a couple months ago. Nothing has been said since.
I'm going back to Oberlin in the fall, and I know I'll be in an environment that is accepting of transgendered/androgynous people. Thing is, I'm not sure if I fully accept myself. My hair is still long because I'm too afraid of the reaction I'll get when I cut it, and I'm still a girl at my two jobs and to my family. When I'm alone in my room I like to dress in my brother's clothes, and sometimes I'll sneak out with friends like that. Whenever I mention cutting my hair very short, my dad gets upset. I know it's MY decision, my life, my happiness and health on the line...but I can't help but feel like I'm letting my family down. Meh. Has anyone else felt like that?
So........I guess that's pretty much it for now. Sorry for the long post ^^; looking forward to meeting some of y'all
