How do you know?

[Jake P]

Hi.  I'm new here, as you can probably tell, and I guess I'm just looking for some advice I guess.  My question is how do you know when you should transition?  I am still trying to figure some things out, but recently I have been having a harder time seeing myself as a girl.  For a long time I have always identified more with guys.  I was a "tomboy" growing up.  I even remember sometime in 5th grade, I think, asking God to let me wake up and be a boy like I knew I should be.  I remember thinking I would be so much happier.  I had even talked through this with a friend of mine in my sophomore/junior years of highschool I think.  He was always more feminine, and we always said how we should be able to switch genders since we fit the others better.  We even looked up a bunch of information on surgeries and everything.  But we eventually moved past that and it was almost as though it had never happened. 

Recently I really started to remember these times, and realize just how much I feel like a guy.  And it is like some part inside of me has known this for a very long time, but I never let myself believe or accept it.  I have been doing a lot of research, and reading a lot of posts on here to try and get more information or get an idea of what it is actually like to transition.  Previously I always believed it was something that I would like to do cause it would make me feel more like who I am inside, but I never thought I would actually be able to go through with anything.  And I also realized that I tend to find myself more attractive, and like how I look (which has always been rare for me) since I got my haircut and it is short now and I look kinda boyish.  Everything just seems to fit.  Everything points to me being a guy, I think.  I've only ever liked guys clothes.  The past year or so I had attempted to look more feminine because my friends said I should respect what God gave me and show that I am a beautiful woman.  It just never felt as right as when I could wear my normal clothes though.

No one knows this about me.  My one friend that I mentioned before, sadly we are no longer friends.  Also, I and going into my thrid year of college.  My group of friends, as well as myself, are Christians, and we strive to make God first in our lives.  The only thing is that they would most likely view my thinking as something that needs to be prayed about and that if I ask God, then He could change me or fix my thinking.  This is how it is when I mentioned my attraction to girls.  They said to pray against it and ask God to remove them because they are wrong.  I went along with it at first, cause it made sense to me and I figured if it could be changed, then I had to try.  But I soon found out that it didn't work, of course.  I haven't really told any of them that, though.  They think that I am still praying for God to take it away.  Plus I am living with 4 of my friends in an on-campus apartment this coming year.  So it would be hard to attempt to pass as a guy without raising some alarm and concern.

Anyway, sorry for that little rant.  What I was trying to say was if I was to decide to go ahead and start transitioning, then I just may lose all of the friends that I have.  And that would really hurt me.  Aside from that, I don't know how my family would take it.  My mom tends to be pretty open minded most of the time.  She even watched the L Word and Queer as Folk...which I always found a little odd.  My dad on the other hand, I just don't know.  I don't know about my brother either.  Not to mention the rest of my family. 

I guess I am just worried about the possibility of losing everyone I love.  I also realize that I am probably expecting the worst, and that it will likely end up being a bit better than that. 

I guess I am just looking for some advice.  This ended up being a lot longer than expected, but that tends to happen when I write, especially if it is about how I am feeling.  If you read all of this, I greatly appreciate it.  I'm sorry if it doesn't all make sense or if it is choppy or all over the place.  I kinda just wrote it as I though of it.  Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

~Stef (for now)

[Tad]

I think that you know that you're ready to transition when you realize that you're willing to risk everything for it. If you're not willing to risk everything, you likely aren't going to transition succesfully.

Simply put - do the benefits outweigh the costs in your mind?

[jmaxley]

Welcome to Susan's.   

There's a spirituality board here on Susan's, that might help with your spiritual questions.  FWIW, there's nothing in the Bible against being trans.

I've struggled with doubts too, and I realized that they mainly had to do with concern over what other's reactions would be.  There is that risk there of losing friends and family.  But they don't have to live your life.  In the end, it comes down to doing what feels right for you, whether it's to transition or to be more masculine while having a female body.  Those who truly care about you will want YOU to be happy.

[notyouraverageguy]

I agree.
You gotta do things for yourself.
Don't worry so much about what others think, if it makes you happy &more comfortable with yourself then don't let other ppls views of you interfere with that.
Sometimes you have to be selfish in that way.

Yeah, you'll lose ppl but would you rather lie or be true.
In the end, anyone you lose wasn't worth keeping in the first place. And you'll find real friends that accept you &love you for who you are.

[sneakersjay]

There is no rush to transition. 

But yes, there is always a risk.  The risk that you could lose your family, your friends, everything.  Transition is for those whose need to transition outweighs those risks.  It's a decision only you can make.

First stop should be a good gender therapist.  It helps to talk everything out with someone who gets it, who also can help you when and if you choose to transition.

Transition was the only option for me.  No regrets.

Jay

[Jake P]

Thanks for your responses.

I think that you know that you're ready to transition when you realize that you're willing to risk everything for it. If you're not willing to risk everything, you likely aren't going to transition succesfully.

Simply put - do the benefits outweigh the costs in your mind?

That makes sense to me.  I guess I never really though of it that way.  So I pretty much have to know that this is the only option.  I can't/shouldn't be iffy about it.

FWIW, there's nothing in the Bible against being trans.

I've struggled with doubts too, and I realized that they mainly had to do with concern over what other's reactions would be.  There is that risk there of losing friends and family.  But they don't have to live your life.  In the end, it comes down to doing what feels right for you, whether it's to transition or to be more masculine while having a female body.  Those who truly care about you will want YOU to be happy.

Thank you.  I guess my main concern was that they (my friends) would view it as destroying or manipulating the body that God gave me.  That it isn't natural.  But I disagree.  The Bible does not say anything against trans, to my knowledge.

I do realize that, as I stated, most of my fears/doubts are related to what others will think.  That has been something I have struggled with for most of my life, in all areas of my life. I guess I will work on believing that if they truly care about me then they will want me to be happy.

In the end, anyone you lose wasn't worth keeping in the first place. And you'll find real friends that accept you &love you for who you are.

I have heard that before, related to other topics as well.  While it makes sense to me, it is still hard for me to accept.  Growing up I never really had many true friends, and now that I feel I do, I worry that they may not be if they would turn against me for being true to myself.  So there is just a bit of confusion that I am working through.

First stop should be a good gender therapist.  It helps to talk everything out with someone who gets it, who also can help you when and if you choose to transition.

Thank you for the advice.  I want to see about trying to do that.  How would you suggest going about finding one?  And are they often expensive?  I don't have very much money.  Does insurance cover this a lot of the time or is that dependent on the therapist? 

I really appreciate all of your help, and I am sorry again for such a long post.  I have a lot inside of me and since I don't have anyone around me to talk to, it apparently all comes out here.  I am glad that I have found a place where I can share what I am feeling, and be myself, without worrying about what will be thought of me.  I keep feeling more and more that this is likely the path that I will follow. 

Thanks for all your help ^_^

[jmaxley]

Here's a couple of verses for you if anyone says anything:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.  Galatians 3:28

for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.  1 Samuel 16:7

For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.  Matthew 19:12

[Jake P]

Thank you.  Those are good verses to know.  I appreciate the help 

[JennaLee]

I think it's a little like realizing your in love.  You will just know.