Rape

[ScaredKiwi]

  I am male biologically born as a female, and I sometimes wonder to myself was the event of rape that had happened to me, made me think the way I see myself now? I am also gay, and it's hard for me to just blunt out say this.... but sometimes I just can't stand myself(my real body) and females. It's the fact that I was raped by a girl(and as a girl) in my childhood has left me suspended in time, that I can never get my innocence back. I know it's different when a male rapes a female, but is this still called rape? I didn't approve of the touches now, but I loved her before.
  I don't even know if you can call it rape.

I also get some unwanted affection/touches by both men and women(some strangers/not so close friends); which sometimes make me crawl under a rock and not let one person ever touch me, or I get really clingy to the people I am very close to.

  Can my past be called sweet childhood memories?

[ScaredKiwi]

Yes, I've seen a school counselor about this, but they said "I'll contact you again." :-/ I haven't really seen them yet. Once school starts again, they'll probably talk to me about this... but the last I saw them I told them I was a lesbian(they seem fine with it, but they also told me "it's just how your body is changing and how I want to EXPERIMENT with the same gender.")...., and they don't know yet see that I am a male.

So.... I guess I have to build a courage to talk to them about this.

[cynthialee]

I have been the victim of rape as a child more times than I care to count (neighbor boy in his teens) and twice as a young adult.
It has taken years for me to sort through that >-bleeped-< but it can be done.

You need to find a rape survivor suport group. Either IRL or online.

For me I had to process the following things to feel mostly healed.
1. Not all men are rapists.
2. Not my fault in any way shape or form.
3. Rape IS NOT sex. It is about power and control.

As I am male bodied and I have been raped by men I can understand a small taste of your pain involving same sex rape but I must admit that rape by a female is so uncomon that it must bring it's own special issues.

I highly recomend that you get this book.
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Waking-the-Tiger/Peter-A-Levine/e/9781556432330

**big hug**

[Nero]

  I am male biologically born as a female, and I sometimes wonder to myself was the event of rape that had happened to me, made me think the way I see myself now? I am also gay, and it's hard for me to just blunt out say this.... but sometimes I just can't stand myself(my real body) and females. It's the fact that I was raped by a girl(and as a girl) in my childhood has left me suspended in time, that I can never get my innocence back. I know it's different when a male rapes a female, but is this still called rape? I didn't approve of the touches now, but I loved her before.
  I don't even know if you can call it rape.

I also get some unwanted affection/touches by both men and women(some strangers/not so close friends); which sometimes make me crawl under a rock and not let one person ever touch me, or I get really clingy to the people I am very close to.

  Can my past be called sweet childhood memories?

I knew someone once who had identified as trans but then realized she had wanted to transition because of the rape. Maybe she had disassociated from her body so much she had dysphoria, or maybe she blamed her femaleness for the rape and being a man seemed a safer alternative. It can happen. Because rape can be strongly associated with the gendered body and sex roles, it's possible it can trigger things. Of course, trans people still get victimized like everybody else, so the assaults could have nothing to do with it. It's good that you're looking into this. Have you seen a gender therapist?

[ScaredKiwi]

  I'm not in the area of NZ. I don't really want to give out my place information, I'm very sorry.

@Cynthia: Yes, I've heard straight rapes and male raping a male, but never two girls. Which leaves me confused.

Number one makes me think of my problem with women, it's just hurts me that sometimes I just can't trust females.

Thank you so much, I'm going to seek help no matter what. It's taking my life and screwing my head because of what happened to me. Thank you for the recommendation of the book.


Post Merge: July 07, 2010, 06:19:22 PM
Hmm... Not yet, but thank you Nero!

Hmm... that explains so much to what I feel.

[spacial]

Scaredkiwi.

I suggest you do whatever makes you feel comfortable with yourself.

You can annalyse yourself and your past till the cows come home, to try to explain every aspect of you. But to what end?

If the rape is bothering you, that is, if it is occupying your thoughts to a point where you are uncomfortable then you should try to get some support. From whom is another matter. That is really up to you and how you feel.

I'm not trying to diminish the terrible offense against the body and the psyche of any sexual assault. But at the same time, I've found some people seem to try to make more of it than may be appropriate.

Your question is, is the rape the reason why you are transgender and gay?

That leads you to the next question, if you get successful support for this incident, will you stop being transgendered and gay? Do you want to?

On the other hand, if you don't, will you be disappointed? Will you feel support is unsuccessful if you continue to be transgender and gay? Will you resist support for fear of no longer being transgender and gay?

What I'm trying to say is, you are tying one with the other. which suggest you are looking for reasons for being transgender and gay, rather than seeking support for the rape.

Rape is a particularly incidious offense, especially against young children.

But we will each end up beating ourselves up if we seek to link something in our present which is causing us problems with things in our past.

In a way, it's a bit like the old thing with many in their teens and twenties where they blame their mothers for their current problems.

hope this is of some help.

[Rosa]

  It's the fact that I was raped by a girl(and as a girl) in my childhood has left me suspended in time, that I can never get my innocence back. I know it's different when a male rapes a female, but is this still called rape? I didn't approve of the touches now, but I loved her before.
  I don't even know if you can call it rape.

I also get some unwanted affection/touches by both men and women(some strangers/not so close friends); which sometimes make me crawl under a rock and not let one person ever touch me, or I get really clingy to the people I am very close to.

If someone forced you to have sex against your will, then it was rape.  I would also encourage you to continue with counseling. It is important to have a comfortable rapport with your counselor, and that does not always happen with the first counselor you go to. 

If anyone is giving you unwanted touches, you have the right to tell them to stop.  If this is happening at school, you might consider reporting this to someone in authority.  You should not have to be subjected to unwanted touching.  Wishing you all the best   

[SnailPace]

When I was nine years old I was also a victim of female-on-female rape.  It happens, you aren't alone. 

I have also grown up with distaste towards girls, I am a gay man but I can associate with girls I find interesting.  I know that judging someone based on their gender is wrong and there are plenty of individual girls I get along with fine, it's more like the idea of girls I have a weird problem with.  I don't know if this is because of the rape experience or not, but it is interesting that we both feel this way.

Whenever I've thought about it, I put it this way, "If I found out that being raped is what "made" me transgender, would I all of a sudden stop identifying as male?" My answer: No.  I am this way no matter why.

If you want to share any personal experiences feel free to PM me, it's always good to talk about these things.

[ScaredKiwi]

When I was nine years old I was also a victim of female-on-female rape.  It happens, you aren't alone. 

I have also grown up with distaste towards girls, I am a gay man but I can associate with girls I find interesting.  I know that judging someone based on their gender is wrong and there are plenty of individual girls I get along with fine, it's more like the idea of girls I have a weird problem with.  I don't know if this is because of the rape experience or not, but it is interesting that we both feel this way.

Whenever I've thought about it, I put it this way, "If I found out that being raped is what "made" me transgender, would I all of a sudden stop identifying as male?" My answer: No.  I am this way no matter why.

If you want to share any personal experiences feel free to PM me, it's always good to talk about these things.

*gasp* I don't know ....  I just, wow.... I also feel this way about what happened to me.  I don't know if I should be happy about this.... but I'm glad someone knows how I feel(it's really devastating this happened). It's actually the first time ever that someone has said they had associated with female rape, same as me. So, I feel really calm, and not alone. Thank you.

Thank you so much everyone. I'm not going to dwell on this anymore, I have other things to worry about than my past. It's over now and I should just make peace with it, whether I like it or not...... I know it's hurtful to do this to myself, but I just need to stash these thoughts to myself for now, my life is at chaos at the moment. So, I don't have time to worry about my past.

Thank you everyone for commenting on this thread.