As I've mentioned a couple of times before I've got self-esteem issues (if it wasn't zero at one point then the difference was statistically insignificant) and anger issues. I've come a long way but I still have a long way to go. I did something that has thrown me right back into FUD (fear, uncertainty, doubt). I'm not used to these situations yet, in fact I still tend to shy away from them to avoid confrontation, so I could really use some feedback.
I was hired to basically program fonts onto printer simms and dimms. In the 8 years I've been here my duties have expanded but what happened this morning centers on that function. One of the presidents (I can't give his full title) handles all the font sales. My department has told him time and time again that if he has a large order he has to tell us or we won't guarantee that it will go out when he wants it to go out. Now, part of the problem is that the relationship between my department and this guy isn't very good. I'm not comfortable with that and I know (for actual fact) that I'm partly to blame for that so I feel bad about the relationship and I'm trying to take (my) responsibility for the situation.
This guy doesn't really listen to us and his actions tell us that he really doesn't care. We feel unappreciated and rather used. That's where the self-esteem and anger come in. I'm torn between feeling like I should just shut up and do the job I was hired for, feeling like I have the obligation to speak up for the good of the company, the feeling that I want to just ignore all the tension (one of my coping skills that I learned early at home), the feeling that I shouldn't be made to feel unappreciated and used, and the feeling that I should smooth everything over between this president and my department. The (de facto? in reality? the company sometimes acts like the org chart is need-to-know only) department head has told me repeatedly that I should ignore requested ship dates, especially if this guy pisses us off, because I nkow what I have to do to do my job effectively, so things go out when they go out. Normally they go out quickly so he feels that right there justifies his stance. And thanks to my self-esteem issues I'm torn between seeing his point, knowing that he goes overboard sometimes, and feeling like a bad employee if I don't get every order out by/on the requested ship date.
AAARRRGGGHHH!!! I'd consider quitting but my self-esteem won't let me consider that I could get a job commensurate with my skills partly because I'm still learning to value my skills and partly because I'm still learning to value ME. Welcome to my world.
Finally we come to the incident this morning. (Isn't the chirping of the crickets lovely, and I'm only half kidding.) I got an large order with a requested ship date of today to be shipped ground. That will take 4 days to get there so obviously they aren't in a big hurry for it. But I have to hurry up and get it out today. So I went down to that president's office and said "I hope you don't think this is going out today seeing as how I wasn't told about it." True to form he failed to get the point. First he asked if I would have come in early had I known about the order (missed the point), then he said he didn't think I had any other orders to do (missed the point and TOTALLY missed the point that I have other things to do in addition to doing orders), then he said it wasn't the end of the world if it didn't go out today (missed the point and passive-agressively says that he wants it out today and I should try). So I try telling him that the point is he should be considerate and tell me he has a larger order. (I didn't bother to remind him that we've told him this 12,529,774 times since I've been here.) He still acted like he didn't get the point and didn't really care.
So now I feel like I'm nothing here to him. Great, here come all the old messages I'm trying to get rid of. Every time I hear somebody coming down the hall I imagine it's him coming to chew me out. "Who the hell are you to talk like that to me? Just do your job and shut up." He knows I was angry/upset but I didn't yell. My anger issues are telling me that I should have calmly emphasized my point. My anger and self-esteem issues are telling me that a nice person wouldn't have appeared ruffled in the least. I'm half-afraid that the CEO and/or the office manager is going to have a nice little chat with me and scold me for that little incident. Right now I'm torn between feeling three different ways.
1) It's my job. I should just shut up and get it done. Who the hell am I to talk to somebody important like that? And nice people calm down before they talk to other people. Confrontation doesn't mean being annoyed, it means rationally and nicely putting your point across. And play nice. It's your duty to keep the peace between him and your department. Especially if you insist on acting like a child and causing some of this tension. Don't make waves.
2) It's my job and if I want to truly make it of service to this company then I have to speak up when something makes it difficult to do my job, or will make it harder in the future if I ignore it now. I'm right and he's wrong, the twit. How dare he make me feel like a nobody, like I'm nothing?
3) (This might be me compromising or it might be valid.) I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just let it go. I was trying to make things better between that president and me and that's a good thing, but that wasn't the way to do it. (So how else then? Wait until Monday and make some sarcastic remark which only makes things worse and makes me feel bad for acting like that?) I should just let the department head handle things. (But he doesn't seem to do such a good job. Or is that just my perception?)
I should probably add that I have no problem doing the order. It's my job after all. I just hate feeling like a peon and feeling like he just doesn't care. I just wish he'd show me a little courtesy.
So what do you think? Should I have said anything to him? Did I handle this badly or at least not as well as I could have? Like I said I'm not really used to these kinds of experiences yet so I'm not sure how I should be feeling and how to view what I did. I would appreciate any and all comments.
