feeling down

[El]

So things were going quite well a few months back, came out to everyone went part-time then full time, started seeing a gender therapist but now i feel like im sinking, still waiting on any word of hormones, havent got a job and no real prospect of finding one and my friends are hardly being supportive right now. I feel so alone and trapped like im drowning out to sea, i just dont know what to do anymore, i know theres a big thing about accepting yourself, not caring about passing etc but i do care, im sick of the stares in the street, being ignored in group conversations and the odd direct meaness that occasionally surfaces. i just wanna scream................

[Izumi]

So things were going quite well a few months back, came out to everyone went part-time then full time, started seeing a gender therapist but now i feel like im sinking, still waiting on any word of hormones, havent got a job and no real prospect of finding one and my friends are hardly being supportive right now. I feel so alone and trapped like im drowning out to sea, i just dont know what to do anymore, i know theres a big thing about accepting yourself, not caring about passing etc but i do care, im sick of the stares in the street, being ignored in group conversations and the odd direct meaness that occasionally surfaces. i just wanna scream................

Wow you went out before HRT, you have more courage then me.  I waited till after 6 months of HRT.  Still, we all go through that, and if HRT is the issue try other doctors, local clinics (like general free clinics, or community clinics) will give you HRT if you want it after a checkup by the doctor, then you just come in for shots.  You do have to pay for it though.  If you dont have a job you need to start spending all your time looking for one, I had to do it too.  There were times i had to think... HRT or Food.... mmmmm... ramen for another month...   well you get the idea, their is craigslist, monster, newspapers, temp agencies.  Just do your best.  BTW, were you ready to go full time or part time, or was it a requirement for HRT? 

The key to dealing with this is, you have to feel like your moving forward, if your not, you will dwell and feel depressed.  So do things no matter how small to move forward in your goals.  Trust me their is a lot to do.

[El]

Im in the Uk and im going through the NHS (meaning money for perscriptions isnt an issue). Going full time was something i had to do for me, i couldnt live the lie anymore i just went full time when i lost my job. I just feel like im doing this on my own, i feel like such an outsider now, not one of the lads anymore but not one of the girls either

[Samantha_Marie]

I think you're amazing for going out before hrt! I'm like Izumi and waiting for hormones to kick in a bit. It also lets everyone SEE that this is happening more then just changing the way I dress.

I'm so sorry you're feeling down, just keep your head up. I wouldn't let them keep you out of the conversation if they are your friends and say they are supportive, join in. If they PUSH you out then I'd look for new people to be around. This is so very hard on us as it is, the last thing we need to do is surround ourselves with those who don't or won't understand.

For the job thing, every day look for at least 20. Apply at places that aren't even hiring if you have to in order to reach 20. Then go into the places every day when they open and ask if they need you to work that day, if they say no then say ok, I'll check in tomorrow. AND KEEP DOING IT.

They'll see you are serious, dedicated and will do what is needed. Even if it's minimum wage, TAKE the job. It's always easier to find a job when you already have one. Take what you can get, even if it's a mcdonalds job, then look for a better one, and keep doing so til you find what works for you.

It sucks, and you very well might be forced to do a job you hate, but it will allow you to move forward with your life and transition. How many years have many of us spent miserable with our bodies? What's a few months of a crappy job compared to that? You can do it sweetie, I know you can!

All the best,
Gabby

[El]

The really crappy thing about my job hunting is that i have a liver deseise that means i get fatigued easily pretty much restricting the jobs i can do to office jobs, if i lived in a city that would be fine but i live out in the sticks

[Izumi]

Im in the Uk and im going through the NHS (meaning money for perscriptions isnt an issue). Going full time was something i had to do for me, i couldnt live the lie anymore i just went full time when i lost my job. I just feel like im doing this on my own, i feel like such an outsider now, not one of the lads anymore but not one of the girls either

Well all i can say is "Eyes on the Prize", just keep moving forward, says to yourself your going to do this and nothing will stop me, Friends, Family, Career, these are expected casualties to your decision to transition, right now is you time, effort needs to be spent on you getting to where you need to be.  Do not waste time or energy on negatives and just focus on positives no matter how small.  For example, i ran 5 miles today, one step closer to my ideal body.  I stuck to my diet, i looked for a job all day, I got 3 interviews, just move forward and keep moving forward.  If you feel bad its easy to make yourself feel better.  Watch.

Close your eyes and imagine your in a field of stinky garbage, its horrible up to you waist, smelly, sticky, stinky, full of bugs... you hate it dont you even when you think about it.  Now, imagine your in a field in a lush plateau, mountains all around you, you lay on a hill the sun is shining and cool breezes tickle your bare skin, you look the way you always imagined you would.  Its spring the birds are chirping, the smell of barbecue in the air and people laughing and having a good time calling you to join them.  See, we place ourselves in depression, we choose to feel bad, but just as easily we can choose to feel good.  If you dwell on the bad you are placing yourself in the garbage pile, you dont need to be there, concentrate on the positive in your life and keep moving forward, one step a day is enough, all will lead you to the life you really want in the end, and above all, dont you EVER give up no matter how bad things get.  It got horrible for me more times then i can remember, to the point I wanted to die, I am SO thankful now i didnt do it, because my life now, is bliss, to think i came so close to not having it, sickens me, to think i would have given up everything now.... It really is wonderful when you finally get to that place in the mountains IRL~

[Rock_chick]

If you feel like need to chat or anything hun I'll be a willing listener, even if it's just offloading. I know how much of a pain waiting for the bloody NHS to get in gear can be.

Helena x

[stealth2010]

Im in the Uk and im going through the NHS (meaning money for perscriptions isnt an issue). Going full time was something i had to do for me, i couldnt live the lie anymore i just went full time when i lost my job. I just feel like im doing this on my own, i feel like such an outsider now, not one of the lads anymore but not one of the girls either

Be thankful that you live in the UK and not the US where a situation like yours might be close to hopeless.

[Izumi]

Be thankful that you live in the UK and not the US where a situation like yours might be close to hopeless.

yep we have to pay for everything.... cry~

[El]

good old socialised medical care