Hey everyone... First, thanks for reading this if you happen to find it and get through all of it. It would be nice to get some responses, because I've had a hard time finding advice or information for my particular issue. I don't know anyone that I could really ask, and Internet searches have provided some information but not much. I'm nervous about posting this because even with strangers, I feel I'm betraying a certain level of trust, but I just need some help.
I'm a bisexual, biological female with a history of mild gender dysphoria. Some days I feel OK as a female, other days less so, but I pretty much accepted that this is who I am, at least for the time being. I identified my bisexuality at a very early age, and I have never felt confusion about my sexual orientation. In my dating history, I really don't differentiate between genders or gender identities -- I simply date someone based on whether or not I connect with that person. The genitalia (or gender identity) attached to that person has never been a deciding factor for me. I also don't care what my parents or friends or communities think about my romantic decisions; I love whom I love and it's up to me to love wholly and without reservation.
A few months ago, I met a post-T, pre-op FtM guy who typically identifies as a gay man, and pretty much exclusively dates men. We hit it off really well, with tons in common, and we just kept getting closer and closer. Eventually he made the first move and kissed me, causing much confusion in both of us. The confusion for both of us stems from his sexual orientation as a gay man. Basically, he says I have and am everything he wants -- except I have a vagina.
Our physical relationship has been progressing and we continue to be intimate in an emotional way. He has some issues with emotional connections and refuses to commit to me in any way because he feels like he's going to end up hurting me either by not being able to reciprocate my feelings or by leaving me for a man.
I've told him that I'm OK with doing this however he wants to do it. I'm pretty stable in my life, my mental state, and my self-confidence, so I know that I can handle that. If he wants to go slow, or if he ends up wanting a relationship, or if he decides he just wants to be friends -- whatever he is most comfortable with is fine for me. I care about him more than I have cared about another person for as long as I can remember, and I am simply enjoying having that bond. I'm just grateful to have met him, and I'm privileged to be close to someone who is so sweet, kind, intelligent... You get the picture.
Anyway, he's also pretty uncomfortable with his body. He'd like to have top and bottom surgeries at some point, but it's not really financially feasible right now. He's been on T for several years, and he lives full-time as a man and identifies as such. We are close and comfortable enough that we've talked about his experiences transitioning, etc., and so far there really hasn't been anything that has been uncomfortable to discuss openly, which helps, I think.
When we're intimate, we both get extremely turned on, and enjoy ourselves, but when it comes to touching each other in a way other than "dry humping," he becomes uncomfortable and we stop. Vaginas pretty much gross him out, and I understand that that is not a reflection of me and I don't take it personally at all. He has said he's willing to sort of try to play with mine, and see how it goes, and gave me permission to try things and said he'd let me know when to stop, and I understand how difficult that is for him and couldn't ask for more.
He clearly enjoys being with me, and bringing me pleasure, but I can't help but wonder if that is partly because he has so far not had to actually see or touch my female genitalia. I can't help but wonder if he will just not be able to handle it. He's been getting bolder with my breasts, however, and when I make comments about whether or not he enjoys them he simply says that he enjoys me. I'm hoping against hope that the trend continues if/when he comes into contact with my ladybits.
He also is obviously not a fan of his current genitalia either. His experiences so far have been primarily with gay men (with whom he enjoys being vaginally penetrated as a bottom). He has difficulty expressing his desires, communicating what he enjoys, etc. And he's mentioned a few times that he believes I'll be grossed out by his body parts. I want to be closer to him, to be able to bring him pleasure, and to let him know that I think his body is beautiful because it's his. I wish he could understand that I see him as a man because that's what he is, regardless of the anatomy he was born with.
(As a side note... Sexually, I'm pretty comfortable with my body and with being adventurous. I'll try almost anything once because hey, I might like it, and I'm not afraid to try to do whatever it takes to help my partner have the most satisfying experience possible. I've told him that I'm willing to try things to help him, whether it's using a strap-on -- on me or on him -- or whatever he needs.)
Has anyone been in a situation like this? Any thoughts or advice? Suggestions for things to try to help him become more comfortable in his wonderful, perfect skin?
Thank you!
