My Letter to him, his response, my response, and now his last e-mail...
QuoteI've spent a long time trying to find the best way to tell you this. Out of everyone in the family, you are the hardest one for me...
First I'll start by saying please, please don't waste your time or energy trying to convince me to not do this, if it was a choice I wouldn't do it. If I could just breath, look at who I am and smile, I would.
You were trying to tell me that out of everyone, you know what this feels like, tastes like, smells like. I am unsure if that is true! It possibly may be, but I don't think so.
I've weighed my options carefully, I've resisted this in every way I know that's possible, if I hadn't, I wouldn't be sitting here at almost 30 years old completely lost, scared to death and still hoping to just wake up tomorrow and be normal. I'm sure you'll come at me with many biblical reasons as to why this is wrong. But I'm not so sure anymore that God is against this. In fact I'm positive He's not.
One might say God doesn't make mistakes, and I agree 100%. But we as people frequently do. There are many theories, stories, hypothesis and ideologies about this. I am unsure which is true...
It's like a child being born without an arm or leg. Like my daughter only being able to see from one eye. They already are capable of making an arm or leg that works, fully controlled by the mind even! They are working on technology now that may give her vision in both eyes. Should we tell those born this way to just deal with it? Should I tell her mother to never allow it because God made her born with one eye?? I think her mother smoking weed and being out partying all night had more to do with that...
What about those born unisex? Often times the parents just choose male and years down the road the child is freaking out saying they are not a male but a female.
I think God gave us a way to fix the things we have done to our bodies, things that have passed down genetically to our children.
I've been seeing a therapist for a bit now, and almost a fortnight ago began taking hormones to change my physical body to match my psychological one.
I'm "trans". Since my earliest memory I've believed I was a girl, when I learned the difference between boys and girls I was mortified, I thought there was some horrible mistake made. Now I know the mistake was to hide this for so long.
The affair was sadly, the perfect cover for me. It was easy for everyone to say that the way I was acting and being was because of what I went through and what was said to me during it all. It was easier for me to use that as a shield to hide this part of who I am... to hide who and what I am.
I am unsure what effect this will hold on our relationship. I don't know if you'll even want to continue a relationship with me after this day. I can't choose that for you. All I can say is that I am still your child, and will always be so, in the event you wish to continue a relationship then I'm here. If not, then hopefully that shows you how serious this is that I've been one by one telling the only people I've allowed to remain in my life this, and risk loosing them.
This, is the reason I've been gone. It's why I haven't ever been able to relate to anyone. I know it's easier to blame mom and the affair for my life for everyone. But the truth is, this isn't her fault, nor yours. It just is something that is, like my webbed toes! I could get those split and no one would think twice about it, they'd say it would make my toes normal... Those don't bother me though, in fact I've always like them! But... there is a birth defect I do have to fix...
I am sorry if this upsets you. I assure you, it upsets me more. I've always prided myself on how stubborn I can be. I really hoped to just make it through this life the way I am, and truthfully, I probably could get through the rest of my life as I am. But... it would be short lived. I can't go on anymore this way. It scares me to look at a ledge and know how much easier it would be... But that I do know God doesn't want. And again, I must say he's given me a way.
I always laugh when people say God is male or female. He said we were made in his image, then he split us to make Eve.
I highly doubt God cares if I'm a male or female, if I have long hair or short. I think He's more concerned with am I happy, do I enjoy the life He gave all of us.
Before you ask, yes, mom, Megan, Les, Jennifer and even Nicole know. I'm planning to meet with Blake today or tomorrow and tell him face to face, and as I hit send on this I'll be calling Jeremy to let him know as well.
Michael will be the most difficult for me. I am unsure how to even go about telling him, be it letter or go in person one last time before the hormones do their work...
I said I had to tell you now rather then in September when you come here because there will possibly be noticeable changes at that point...
Don't worry about my job, I'm protected fully and won't loose it.
I love you dad, and I'm sorry that this is happening. But For over 20 years it's been a daily struggle for me. Sometimes it's so far away it's almost gone, others, like it is now, where I can't even breath for the weight it rests on my chest.
Ever since I said this out loud, since I said fine I'll do it, I found peace. Everything has lined up for this to happen for me. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, where before my life has been dark.
I asked mom what she would of named me had I been born a girl, that was the same time she said you guys didn't even name me for the first 24 hours because she thought I was going to be a girl, for me that's a good story.
Mom asked me how they should pray for me before I came home after telling her. I'll tell you the same thing I said to her. Honestly.
All my love,
me
And today I received this e-mail...
QuoteOK Son...
I don't really know just what to say to you on all of this. Shocked isn't really an adequate word. This is about the closest thing to when your Mother told me about her and Les; then added the part about Megan being Les's daughter. My heart actually stopped. Now it's happened again.
You can say anything you want to to justify this choice, and that's exactly what it is, a choice. But... you've NEVER had or displayed ANY tendencies, actions, inclinations or anything else that even suggested that you were 'in a wrong body'. Sorry Kid. I love you, and always will, but I can't support you in this at any level. I know you're not asking me to necessarily, but I'm absolutely devastated by this newest 'revelation'. You've always been the one for the 'dramatic' and the 'shocking'/ 'outrageous', and the 'outer limits' things, but Son... this is a complete 'life' thing!
I know you're going to say that you've done all the 'checking', and the counseling, and praying, but I can assure you that God hasn't given you ANY sort of 'peace' concerning this. Whatever 'peace' you feel you've received has come from some other corner, I can assure you. No... 'He' doesn't make mistakes... that sounds like your mother talking again about the Les thing... "But now, everything is right, and the way God wanted it to be in the first place..." WRONG! And God didn't 'make a mistake' this time either... WE didn't make a 'mistake'... NO ONE has made any mistakes till this one you're making right now.
PLEASE... O God... if there were just some sort of 'magic words' that I could only use ONE TIME in my whole life, and never again. I'd use them now, to save my son. I'm sorry about the 'depression', but you know... I deal with it EVERY day! SERIOUS depression that sometimes overwhelms me. I also look at the 'ledges' (except that in my case it's usually attractive bridge abutments ! :-). But you know what you do? YOU FIGHT IT! You DON'T give in to the 'Accuser'! You DON'T let the enemy win! We only get just so many opportunities to REALLY depend on/ CLING to (frequently thru' unstoppable and overwhelming tears!) God! To actually FINALLY and COMPLETELY get to... HAVE to depend on Him! And in these times He's going to be there (where He's ALWAYS been... go figure!).
I truly DO hear you about your feelings, and 'loss', and 'need'. But 'this' isn't the answer Son. I know everything I'm saying/ trying to say is being totally lost on you right now... WILL be lost likely forever, but I'm NOT wrong on this one Kid... I guarantee you. I love you too much to take a chance on this... I promise. There are times when you can know for a certainty that you have the 'mind of Christ... of God' and this is one of those times, Son. If only you would listen to me just this one time in your whole life.
It doesn't really matter HOW STRONG you feel about this, can't you see? It doesn't matter HOW much you think that this is the only solution. It's not! It NEVER will be, regardless of your 'heart' or 'mind' in this. You're saying that you've 'dealt' with this your whole life... you've told people that you've dressed, wanted, need 'girl' things your whole life, and have been fighting this your whole life. Well you did a pretty good job of hiding it for all these years... don't stop now! I'm saying this because of what I've said all ready. You've NEVER 'acted', demonstrated, pursued ANYTHING feminine your whole life. You've ALWAYS been NOTHING but a man! Every 'mood', action, interest, DISinterest, inclination, motivation, has been that of a man, and NOTHING else. You've never been 'neat', 'clean', orderly, 'sensitive', compassionate, interested in 'feelings', colors, the interests and needs of others... you've been the consummate uncaring, unfeeling, occasionally(?) rude, selfish, sometimes violent MAN. Sorry Kid, but you can change anything you decide to to and from the outside, but you're going to be trying to make/ create something without ANY of the native requirements to have at least SOME chance of success. You say you've 'restisted in every way you can'... no Son you haven't. Paul tells us to '...resist even up to death' (NOT suicide... but he's telling us NOT to 'stop resisting').
I know you're saying that you've done all the 'praying', the 'checking in to', the counseling (with who? How many counselors? From what perspective? Neither Patti OR Linda would EVER continue to talk to ANY counselor that didn't tell them exactly what they wanted to hear, and if they didn't (hear what they wanted), the counselor was 'no good'/ 'didn't know the real circumstances... what was really going on...' so they rejected all their counsel). All that still doesn't matter Son! I'm sorry you're 'lost' in this, 'miserable(?)', driven to this 'solution'. It ISN'T going to be the 'solution', the 'release', the 'correcting' that you're expecting... hoping for... needing. It's an 'escape'... running, avoiding life... looking for an explanation for why things are the way they are, from the wrong quarter. It's NOT going to finally 'fix' things... make them 'right' for the first time in your whole life... straighten out all the confusion and answer all the unanswered questions that have been plaguing you your whole life... it's just 'running'. But THIS time, if you follow thru on this, it will be a forever thing. You can stop taking the meds, but you can't 'uncut' things. You can't undo all the damage you've done to yourself and to your family.
I know the 'family' thing is WAY secondary, but DON'T think that this isn't devastating every single person that knows and loves you. Regardless of ANYTHING any of them might 'say' or 'have said' to you... they're devastated... shocked, hurt... calling back and forth... wondering what they might or might not have done that might be a part of you deciding to do something like this. This is HUGE Son, and we're ALL searching every part of our lives to see if or where 'we're' responsible for any part of this. You can say that this is simply and strictly a 'you' thing, but it's not! It's JUST like the Les and Patti thing (No... I'm NOT riding some 'old horse' again/ still). The point here is that they were willing to sacrifice EVERY person that loved and trusted them for 'themselves', their "need", their 'loss' if they weren't able to 'be together'. Just like you're saying, 'all they wanted to do was to finally be happy...'! No Son... we're called to 'do the right thing'. That's what men (and real women) do. We aren't asked if it's easy, or comfortable, or convenient, or even if we want to.... So what if it's 'hard' or we want something else? I've ALWAYS counted on you to be 'strong'... I always knew that you 'were there', and would be there if I needed you. (You can say that you still will be, but it's not going to be so Son)
What are you going to do about 'love' in the future? Are you going to be Gay (you'll [maybe] look like a woman, but that'll only be on the outside, regardless of the plumbing changes you try to make) or are you going to be a Lesbian (since you'll look like a woman... but I'm fairly positive that you'll only [and STILL] be attracted to women)? There's no way out of this choice for you Son if you follow thru on and with this. I love you so much! DAMN IT!
I can't write anything more right now. I haven't been able to do much of anything since receiving your email. This is just too much for me to wrap my mind and heart around... it just can't be true... happening. I keep praying I'll wake up and it'll all be just some kind of strange dream maybe??? This is the son that felt that God had been calling him into ministry for his whole life, (but had just been fighting it). You're the kid with the email address that says 'against Satan',,,! Which is it Son? Which voice is the false one? I GUARANTEE you that the same God that wanted you in service DIDN'T give you peace about this decision. All the 'God talk' about "finally having peace about this since making your choice..." NEVER/ DIDN'T come from God. He doesn't work that way (sounds like Patti all over again justifying the destruction of all the lives, families, church... sorry Kid... God DOESN'T work that way... never has, never will). God HEALS hearts, and minds, and situations. We just have to WANT Him to, and be willing to let Him. I'm sure that Nicole is praying the same prayers that ALL of us are Son.
I've got to go. I love you. I always will. I can't support any of this (you don't need me to I know). I don't understand any of it (and I really shouldn't, you know?). I can't say right now just what I'm going to do... it's too much, and too soon. Most of it is going to be up to you Son. You need to make sure you really understand (also) that NO ONE is 'good' with this from you (again I know that they don't have to be). NO ONE is thinking that they'll be 'all right', and it'll 'still be you after all', and nothing is really going to change... that they're NOT going to have issues or troubles with this. NO ONE is intending to call you by some other name, or have you being with their kids... this is just as serious as the Michael thing... who wants their children around something like this... to have to try and tell their kids that this is 'nothing'... it's "ok"... nothing serious... just a 'natural' turn of events that take place all the time. It's not going to happen Son. I'm praying it'll matter more to you before it's too late... (Please God.... )
Later Kid...
Me <><
PS: You can say what you want about your job... they'll definately find a way to deal with something like this, and leave you with NO recourse. Just like they have done with me (when they find out about the meds I have to take). They just get 'all caught up'. Don't need the 'job/ position'... 'whatever' any more, and you're out the door. It won't "have anything to do with your 'orientation'.". It'll be something else that they can back up, and you'll be gone. Costco is a 'Family' company, and I GUARANTEE you they'll deal with this as soon as it's obvious to them... please believe me on this one Kid. I'm still here loving you...
Father... Help me this day to do those things I'll have wished I'd done when I stand before you....
So I now no longer have a father...
I thought about all of these great things I could say back to him, but realized there was no point. So for my final response I simply sent this.
QuoteIt's ok dad, I understand and hope you know I still love you no matter what.
Me
So I figured our e-mails would stop at this point, I came home to one more today...
QuoteHey...
It looks like nothing I could say makes much difference Kid... didn't really expect it to. but 'this' simply can not be............. Please Son
No ... I don't think you really DO understand on this one. On top of everything else, how are you planning to pay for all of this? You might 'sneak' some of the hormones thru on Costco, but they aren't going to pay for a complete 'reassignment'. You might 'think' they'll cover all of this, and might be receiving meds on your insurance for the moment. But Costco isn't going to pay for all of this. IF... you'd had this issue before going to work for them (and they hadn't picked up on it), the meds might get thru, but they aren't in the business of funding an employee's reassignment. You might think that the 'law' will protect you. I promise you son, you'll get started into this, and when they find out they'll find some way to put an end to it. Think of all the 'advancements' you've missed out on for 'no reason'.... In a case like this, they'll find something even if it takes a little time, Evaluations, performance, 'attitude', customers' responses to you or your actions/reactions... they don't even have to be true or accurate. They only have to write it down, and by the time they're thru, you'll be gone, and there's no way you could complete something like this on your own.
I've contacted Costco Employees Svc's and asked about this kind of procedure under their coverage, and so far they don't believe they cover things like this. It' not like you had a radical mastectomy or were involved is some tragic accident that left you scarred. This is 'elective', and their position is that they'd have to have 'you' (or whoever this might be) go into counseling that they approve before even considering anything like this, and even then their underwriters won't cover something like this as far as they know.
NONE of this matters tho', Kid. What matters is that this is every bit as 'bad'... damaging, confusing, unexplainable as Michael. How do you get to a place like this, Son? Two kids in the same family with MAJOR sex issues/ problems, We really messed up somewhere along the way, and I'm so sorry Kid. I really am. And there's nothing I can do to 'undo' the damage, and that's what this is Son... damage. You wouldn't be where you are without something that we did. How could I have failed two sons so horribly....
If nothing else, we should have raised you in a manner that would have made you strong enough to deal with this in an acceptable way that wouldn't hurt so very many people. You'd have cared enough about them to realize that even being 'unhappy' would be preferable to damaging so many of them. There's NO ONE that knows you and knows about this that isn't hurt, confused. truly suffering, but just like Patti, it's surely going to end up with you saying that your 'happiness' is worth all of them. Their love, their support, their hope for you for 'tomorrow'. There's NO ONE that's 'all right' with this... that're going to be 'fine' and get to where they can 'deal' with this. Doesn't that matter in at least some small way? They love you Son.
How many counselors have you gone to Kid? I can't imagine a single (reputable) one that would consider you a 'candidate' for something like this. You're one of the LAST men on this planet that 'needs' or 'has to have' something like this done because they're 'already so feminine' they can't function any other way... oh please!
You have/ had a young woman that really cares for you, might well have stayed with you forever... however long that might be. Few of us ever have that opportunity.
I don't know Kid... probably all I'm going to be able to do for a while is going to be 'short messages'... even that is more than we usually write, so it's at least 'communication'... you know?
I want to see you while I'm over there. Don't know about 'after' this time, but as long as you're not 'rubbing anything in my face'. I want and need to see you. I don't know if I can or will after this if you keep on with this course... as always, it's your call Son. I couldn't support your Mom after she decided on her 'course', and I can't and won't (any more than Jeremy or the other Kids are going to be able to if you continue with this). They may say that they'll be there for you. or 'support' you, but even Jenn and the others say... "No... I can't have him there for the wedding if he shows up 'swishing' around". "No... I don't want him around the kids if and when he's doing this"... Son... how can you do this? You'll have to come up with something different than you have so far. For me as well as your brothers and sisters. Maybe if we could understand this, believe you, see how this could come to be, it would be easier. It doesn't have to be 'easy' for any of us, but if you're asking everyone to be some part of your life, then you have to explain to them / us, and convince us that 'this' is some "right" answer, you know?
Later...
<><
Father... Help me this day to do those things I'll have wished I'd done when I stand before you....
So after thinking on this for a few days I finally responded, it wound up being a fairly brutal response, I am unsure of how I feel at the moment to the response I sent. I am unsure of why I am even posting it here, maybe because I'm seeking answers to the questions I don't know of yet? Maybe I'm just looking for encouragement. Mainly I'm seeking guidance and the truth.
QuoteSo I'm unsure exactly what to say to this, I've spent the last few days pondering over this e-mail, reading it and re-reading it and honestly I have to say that I am at a loss.
You are writing as if I'm some drug addict or worse...
I plan to pay for all of this with money dad. It's why I've been broke, it's called saving up for it. You pretend to understand about my work, hate to tell you dad but there are more laws protecting me then you can imagine. And I don't expect Costco to pay for anything, I expect for the insurance company that I've been pumping money into, and will continue to pump money into for the next 40+ years to.
Seeing as how what I'm doing is so against your moral code, I don't feel it's right of me to subject you to my 'MAJOR sex issues/problems. I don't think I could live with myself making you have to be around someone who is so clearly sick, although if you understood ANYTHING about this, you'd know it has nothing to do with sex, not that it's any of your business though. How dare you compare me to someone like Michael. What I'm doing, while it'll be awkward at first, isn't damaging in the slightest to anyone other then myself, and even then the damages physically are worth the healing mentally.
I needed a father when I was 6, not someone who would use me to spy on my mother. I needed you up until I was about 15, then I gave up on you. You chose to stop raising me and preferred to use me instead. Spare me your lies, I've listened to them for far to long, I was willing to let you continue to lie to me along with everyone else because I know you need to feel that you are justified in so many of your actions. I don't live with a guilty conscience over my choices in life, I forgave those who wronged me, and equally as important I forgave myself, it's time you do the same. You say I would have cared enough, why do you think I'm almost 30 and only now bringing this up. It was because of my family that I fought this so long and so hard. It's when you wake up and realize that the fight is all consuming and your life is literally passing by, that you have no relationship with your family because you're to busy with this one thing to build one.
How many counselors did I go to? Are we counting the ones that were your friends that you used to try to get information out of us when we were kids, or only those who you stopped letting me see after they didn't agree with what YOU wanted? Overall though, I'd say at least 20 different counselors, how many about this, three of them knew, not counting my current, they were the only ones I was allowed to see enough times to get comfortable enough to discuss it with. You don't even know who I am, you still compare me to the 15 year old kid that you and mom did everything wrong with. Yea, I was very violent, I was mad at everything and everyone, not only was I a teenager thrown into the middle of your ugly divorce, I was also trying to deal with a major identity crisis while dealing with puberty and the crap I had to read on Linda's restraining order's, not counting what I had heard earlier from mom about you and from you about her, yea, I was a very angry child. The difference is that I grew up, I learned to accept and deal with who and what both of my parents are, and, I learned to accept and love them despite.
As far as Jennifer and the other kids being able to support me or not, that isn't your call. Sorry dad, Jennifer, Megan and even Jeremy are standing next to me on this, Blake doesn't know yet but he's going to find out as soon as I can arrange a sit down with him. Do they wish this wasn't happening? Of course, I wish this wasn't happening, but it is happening, and something you clearly failed to learn in all of your years of preaching about a book you clearly lack the understanding on, is that you don't put a condition on love, nor do you judge others. As you've always said, you can't take the old testament without the new and vice-versa. As far as biblical standings, I've been living a lie my entire life, feel free to take the blame for that one. You are the primary reason I always felt like something was seriously wrong with me.
I WANTED you in my life, which is why I've spent so much time trying to build a relationship with you, but if you choose to burn everything down over this than fine. That is YOUR choice, not mine, transitioning is my choice, I find it's a better option than suicide. Apparently you disagree.
You've picked this up and decided it's your new personal crusade. You put words into Jennifer's mouth, and the worse part, you put words into Megan's mouth. She's not your daughter, how dare you even attempt to understand someone you don't even know, and Nicole you've seen once, don't even try to pretend you understand or know anything about her feelings towards this or where she stands, she's beyond pissed that you think it's ok to put her onto your side, unlike you, my family is going to stand beside me and help me through this the best way they can.
I'm not going to bother explaining how or why this is, I gave you the opportunity to come at me with an open mind and instead you decided to blast me in every way you thought would work to change my mind. I already told you to not waste your time or energy. I was more then willing to answer any question or thought, to debate and argue rationally and peacefully with you. You choose the path of degradation and attempted humiliation. Maybe you can convince Jennifer or Jeremy to explain it to you, they are more then willing to ask questions and not berate me on my answers, and sure, some points they view differently, some they straight disagree with. But you know what they don't do, judge.
You had said Justin was going to get a phone with Verizon, great, he can have my line, I already got a different plan with a new number. If he doesn't then fine I'll pay the remaining 110.00 to cover the 9.95 a month til the final year ends on the contract. I already paid 40.00 before you sent your first e-mail, and was willing to stay with you so Justin would only have to pay the 65 as long as you didn't do what you did. You had plenty of other avenues you could of taken. I've canceled my services, the unlimited texting is still there, they said you needed to choose if you wanted that, but as far as what was my line, it's no longer active except for the 9.95, they tied a dummy esn to the account so you wouldn't get charged a disconnect fee, for the phone on the line, I believe I sent you a replacement that I had paid for, give that to whoever wants it.
So no, I won't be seeing you when you come down. I'm giving Jennifer your belongings. I don't care to have them anymore, don't leave messages with her to give to me or anyone else, I already know you're going to try to work to turn Jeremy against me, if you succeed then I hope you feel proud of yourself for being able to justify and support Michael while crucifying myself.
I realize this is a very angry letter, it's because I am angry, you could have said I can't support you on this, you could have chosen to not respond, you could have approached this like a true father would and try to at least understand and came back with some research and true answers besides those that you made up. I almost didn't respond to this letter but how could I not?
If you change your mind, it'll be very hard for me to be convinced, you'll have to find a way to explain yourself if you wish to reopen communication. I don't seek your approval or even acceptance, I'm willing to explain it to the best of my abilities, but only to those who truly wish to know in order to understand, not to condemn and crucify.
I'll pray for you,
I love you,
Always son you never had,
Now the daughter you disowned,
me
PS If you EVER contact my work, if I even suspect that you have, then I'll make sure Linda knows exactly where to find you. Of all the stupid things you have pulled in your life with me, trying to jeopardize my career for your personal mission is not ok. There is no leeway on this, and fyi, my warehouse manager, as well as corporate already know what's going on, and that I plan to bring this out in full in November to my work, I just won't tolerate you interfering in this manner. You gave up that right 20 years ago.
****************** TRIGGER ALERT********************A quick note on Linda, she's my step-mom that he tormented, and he now is supposed to pay her 1250 a month in support due to her medical conditions as a result of his treatment.... he is a very sexually perverted man it seems... he disappeared from her, left the state and is living with his fiance, as far as the state knows he's still in Oregon. If she finds him she could easily have him arrested on several very damning charges. The only reason I haven't told her already is because she's drawing half of all of his retirements that he earned throughout his life. Needless to say the way he talked to me he also talked to their divorce judge, and as you can imagine the judge didn't respond in kind but that's a different story.
Anyways, there it all is, laid out and bare. I guess I can only wait for his response although truth be told I'm unsure if I'll even bother reading it.
Gabby
