Looking for who I am

[mjr]

This is the first time I've ever discussed the topic of my Transsexual feelings so I hope you all will understand my clumsiness.

I was born male about 50 years ago.  All my life I've had feelings/desire/dreams that I was meant to be a woman, but like most men, I've suppressed those feelings, but still the dreams the fantasy of being a woman, was always there.  I even dreamed often in my sleep of being a woman, having the beauty and sensuality.  My most frequent dream was the detachable genitals, that I could never get to stay back on (Freud would have fun with that).   So I just kept suppressing.  I believed that transsexuals were gays or just plain freaks.  I just kept suppressing who I was.  I was successful in life.  Good job, lots of money, sex and family, but still my hidden desires kept eating away at my soul and making me feel empty and untrue to who I was.  I knew I could never be a genetic female and believe a gender change would not be satisfying.

Then about 5 years ago, TiVo recorded a program on Transsexuals.  It was recommended to match my interests.  Huh???  Well I was curious so I watched and then started to learn about Transsexuals transitioning from male to female.  They actually looked happy and ... like women.  So now my curiosity was on.  A man could become a woman and live as a woman.  For the last 5 years I have read all I can on Transsexuals and transitioning to a female life.  I've now come to believe it is possible for me to be who I want to be.  I know from reading the research that a good bunch are just like me, above 40, heterosexual, married/divorced with children.

So now everything fits.  I can be who I want to be, but like most males my age I have responsibilities.  X2 doesn't seem to have much responsibility so like with my first set of kids, these too I'll have to be raising on my own.  I'm stuck a man...

Well I hope I didn't offend anyone, but I'd like to visit and get to know you all. 

Thanks.

mj

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Mjr,

Welcome to our little family. Over 5600 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

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Hugs and Love,
Janet

[LilDoberman]

It sounds like you're in the right place   Welcome aboard.

[justmeinoz]

Welcome aboard, I am sure there will be a lot here to interest you. 
My path to here is similar, same age etc,  you are not the oldest by any means.
Hope you enjoy your stay.

Sandra.

[Kimberley]

Welcome to Susans. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Your story is similar to mine and many others here. Many of us are only able to come out later in life as responsibilities change and the desire within becomes stronger and not weaker.

[kelly_aus]

Welcome.. You'll find many similar stories here at Susans, along with some that aren't so similar.. There's also plenty of information, friendly people and support.. Make yourself at home, put your feet up and have a read.. Me, I'm about 15 years younger and don't have the responsibilities that you do, but like you have struggled with knowing something wasn't right.. I've now come to the point where I can no longer ignore it.. So here I am..

[mjr]

Thank you all for generous warm welcome.  I'm hoping I can learn from all your experiences  and grow to who I really am with your support.

mj

[Jillieann Rose]

Welcome on board mj,
So glad to meet you. I was about 54 when responsibilities (children) where had fledged from the nest.
That's when I truly took a look at who I was and wasn't.
Oh my wife does not approve but she is staying with me, for now anyway.
My personal path is similar to yours.
But despite my best efforts, for family sake, I began to slowly change because I had too for self preservation. Many small steps like learning to walk, talk, take care of my skin and finger nail.
How to apply makeup and so much more that I had missed because of my defective body.
These were all small steps forward for me and keep me from either going insane or suicidal. Well suicidal for one finally time anyway.
Oops, I just got carried away again. Sorry.
Anyway I am glad you have joined.  And hang in there sister.
Your are amoung friends.
Jillieann

[mjr]

And it is always nice to have another sister.

Janet,

Sister   The thought makes me smile a lot.  Thanks for the sentiment.

mj

[mjr]

Welcome to Susans. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Your story is similar to mine and many others here. Many of us are only able to come out later in life as responsibilities change and the desire within becomes stronger and not weaker.

The desire has become stronger.  Nice to know I'm not alone in who I am and how I got here.  Unfortunately, I don't see my responsibilities ever really going away towards my children.  That is the most conflicting thing about how I feel.

mj

[mjr]

Welcome on board mj,
So glad to meet you. I was about 54 when responsibilities (children) where had fledged from the nest.
That's when I truly took a look at who I was and wasn't.
Oh my wife does not approve but she is staying with me, for now anyway.
My personal path is similar to yours.
But despite my best efforts, for family sake, I began to slowly change because I had too for self preservation. Many small steps like learning to walk, talk, take care of my skin and finger nail.
How to apply makeup and so much more that I had missed because of my defective body.
These were all small steps forward for me and keep me from either going insane or suicidal. Well suicidal for one finally time anyway.
Oops, I just got carried away again. Sorry.
Anyway I am glad you have joined.  And hang in there sister.
Your are amoung friends.
Jillieann

Jilleann,

It's interesting reading your post.  I think it sums up my concerns and doubts.  God I have no idea how to be feminine.  Challenges aplenty for awhile, but I'm sure it will be fun as much as it is scary.

Thanks,

mj

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi mjr,

I'm sure it will be fun as much as it is scary

I would called it an adventure which is fun, scary, sad, joyful  and a whole lot more.
That is what life is all about.
You can make up your mind to go in the direction you want to go
or you can be driven along by others in a direction that is not of your choosing.
Just one baby step at a time sister and you can move forward.
Yours
Jillieann

[Robyn]

Welcome, mj.

You are only 'stuck as male' if you allow yourself to be.

That doesn't mean that I advocate running around the neighborhood in fishnets and a micromini tomorrow, popping soybeans. What I do mean is that with a gender counselor (see our list by state in the Links area), a slow journey so your guardian angel (wife) can keep up and feel that she too has a hand on the throttle, you may well transition with family intact.

Or your journey could be more like mine (and some others around here):
   AHA moment of truth at age 58
   Told wife at 58
   Separated at 60
   Diagnosed TS at 61
   Hormones and RLE at 62
   Divorced/remarried at 62
   SRS (Meltzer) on 63rd birthday
   New spouse had FTM surgery (Meltzer) the next year
   Married 10 1/2 years.

So there are many paths, Each journey is different; each journey has similarities. One of the similarities is that the pressure increases with age. Don't wait to reach the breaking point.

Robyn
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.