Tough Stuff

[ConfusedMichelle]

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't been on in a while. Computer completely crashed, just now got a new one. How has everyone been? I hope all is well.

Guys, life is really getting hard. I am a gay guy, stuck in a girl's body. Simple as that. 85% of my friends are gay males, and you have no idea how sad it makes me when they are with their boyfriends. I look at them and think of how badly I want a relationship like that, but I feel like it can never happen for me. I would love to start T, and go through transition on my 18th birthday, but I don't think I have the money. How much is it to start/continue T?

Anyway, that's beside the point.  It's just like, I have lots of friends, have a family that loves me, but I feel so alone. I feel like I don't have a person in the world who knows the real me, therefore I am alone. Then again, I haven't been on Susan's in a couple of weeks. You guys always make me feel so great about myself, thank you for that.

If I told my friends and family, they are all so ignorant that they wouldn't even attempt to understand. They would say "If you are a gay guy, then you are a girl." Not true. My mom asks me why I hang out with mainly only gay guys and why I like movies like Get Real, Brokeback Mountain, etc. Hopefully, this is preparing her for when I tell her, so it won't be a complete shock.

I guess what I am getting at is this. I just wonder why I was put in a girl's body.  It's really not fair. I think I am truly suffering from depression because of this and I think it's getting worse and worse. Just not fair.

Sorry to dump my problems on you guys, it's just that you guys are the only people who know the real me. I'm pretty sure if I even tried to explain it to anyone here, they would laugh in my face. Life is just really getting tough, getting very hard to deal with.

This is kinda irrelevant, but are they working on advancing surgeries for FTM/MTF?  Also, this is more for the FTM bottom surgery, but put bluntly, now that they have found a way to change the "bottom" part, are they working on a way for it to look more "normal?" I know that part shouldn't matter, but for reason it seems like a bigger factor for me, because I'm gay. I guess that's why it matters so much to me?

Anyway, hope all is well for you guys. Have a good day.   

[Dennis]

As far as the cost of T, it is cheap - 3-5 bucks a week. Getting to the stage where you can be prescribed T depends on counselling resources in your area.

Bottom surgery, I think they're on the verge of some major breakthroughs, but it'll probably be 10 years before it becomes available. But in the meantime, I've seen some phallos that look very good. Others don't though, so it's a crapshoot. You should probably be on T for a while before you make the decision anyway. Could be a meta works for you. Could be you're satisfied with what you have because it works. Or could be that you feel you need a phallo. You really won't be able to know until you've been on T for a while.

Dennis

[nonie]

Brady - up until I found out about hormone treatment, I thought sex changes for women to become men were impossible and no woman could really pass for a man.  The one FTM I glimpsed in high school just looked like a butch girl in a hockey jersey.  The fact that I liked guys only made everything more difficult to figure out, and I really could not explain why I felt so much more attracted to gay guys and why seeing guys together had that same effect you describe on me too.  I was open with my friends about feeling like I had the mind of a gay man but that was about as far as it went, the conversation would always go "Do you really like girls and not guys?" "No." "Are you getting a sex change?" "No." "Oh.  Then...  What's the problem?"  They'd suddenly understand why all the stories I wrote were from a male perspective and be better at guessing who I liked at any particular time but that was about the extent of it.

I was the type to voice my feelings first (after a couple weeks of circling around trying to figure out how to do it, mind you), the pursuer, and I was a major flirt and gay guys loved me...  Riiight up until I told them how I felt and then they'd give me the "I like you a lot as a friend, but you're a girl and I like boys," speech.  I am very familiar with that speech.  I f***ing hated that.

So I settled on a straight guy and said "This guy seems interested.  I'm going to latch on and make it work because I will never have what I really want anyway."  And ended up in a very messed up relationship.  I got ever more passive because I wanted him to adore me so much it would make up for me not adoring him like that, hoping I would learn to love the love if I didn't so much love the lover.  Which doesn't work.  I separated from him 3 weeks ago. 

I have yet to start hormones or try dating as a guy but I have been presenting as male fulltime for 3 months and love it.  I've had a couple girl strangers blush and smile at me and flirt a bit since going fulltime and even that feels amazing - not because it's girls but because it's someone finding me attractive when I am dressing and acting like the real me.

Since I found out about transitioning and told my friends and family that I inteded to do it, I've been extremely lucky to have full support from absolutely everyone, but those who I'd mentioned my gender issues to before, way back in high school, are downright ecstatic for me.  I guess I just wanted to say I feel like I'm in a good place now, even though I felt what you're feeling too. 

There are good things in store for you.  Like looking in the mirror and not just thinking "Well, I guess that face kinda looks like a boy when I jut my lower jaw out a little like this," but finding yourself instead seeing the man beneath that face (seeing it is so different from searching for it) - that's effing awesome.

[Nero]

If I told my friends and family, they are all so ignorant that they wouldn't even attempt to understand. They would say "If you are a gay guy, then you are a girl." Not true. My mom asks me why I hang out with mainly only gay guys and why I like movies like Get Real, Brokeback Mountain, etc. Hopefully, this is preparing her for when I tell her, so it won't be a complete shock.

Hey Brady. Nice to see you.
Yeah, I think it is hard for people to wrap their heads around, when you tell them that not only are you a guy, but you're a gay guy. The thinking is 'well, if you're a guy in a girl's body, but you like guys, doesn't that all balance out?' Not realizing that there's so much more to identity than just one's sexual orientation.

Sorry to dump my problems on you guys, it's just that you guys are the only people who know the real me. I'm pretty sure if I even tried to explain it to anyone here, they would laugh in my face. Life is just really getting tough, getting very hard to deal with.

Hey, that's what we're here for. And you can PM or email me if you need to talk sometime.

This is kinda irrelevant, but are they working on advancing surgeries for FTM/MTF?  Also, this is more for the FTM bottom surgery, but put bluntly, now that they have found a way to change the "bottom" part, are they working on a way for it to look more "normal?" I know that part shouldn't matter, but for reason it seems like a bigger factor for me, because I'm gay. I guess that's why it matters so much to me.

Like Dennis said, right now phalloplasty is really a gamble. Hopefully one day, it will be on par with MtF vaginoplasty.
I don't think orientation has much to do with wanting bottom surgery. There are gay guys who aren't interested in it at all, and straight guys for whom it's very important. If it's your future sex/love life you're concerned about, don't worry about it. You seem to already have developed a repoire with other gay men. While there will always be guys (and girls) who can't see past the physical, there are guys out there who will want you whether you've had genital modification or not.  

[Melissa]

I am the opposite, where I am MTF, but like girls.  I always did.  So my logic was, why not just stay as I am and have straight girls.  Well, here's what I found out.  I could not do the male role, I didn't like being treated as male, and I certainly didn't like being one.  Because of that, my relationships were doomed to failure.  So I gave up with that and transitioned and now I am finding it so much easier to be with women because I can just be myself.  Now you can take that info and reverse it and hopefully that makes sense to you too.  You just can't fill the expectations of a role in a relationship like that.

P.S. I think gay guys are really cute too.

Melissa

[Kimberly]

...
My mom asks me why I hang out with mainly only gay guys and why I like movies like Get Real, Brokeback Mountain, etc. Hopefully, this is preparing her for when I tell her, so it won't be a complete shock.
...

You may run into a snag in that she may think those activities have some how influenced you to your course of action. I suggest being very clear on what you feel and why.

[Kismet]

->-bleeped-<-s unite.  

[Of course you know I mean that in an endearing, and not derogatory, way.]

[mayfair]

I am not a male trapped in a females body so I don't really know how hard it is.  However, I have to believe that there are many out there who would love what you have to offer.  Maybe its just a little more difficult finding the right person?  I guess that goes with out saying.  I am physically a male and I feel androgynous though if I was absolutely forced to pick a gender at gun point I'd say I am more male.  I am of the belief that people are people are people.  Their physical sex shouldn't matter.  If they are male trapped in a female body but are attracted to males then they are what society would consider gay.  I am attracted to FTM.  What this means for me is that even though society would consider them female, they feel male and I would consider that a homosexual relationship as I'm male and they feel male.

Am I making any sense?  Of course these are opinions of a 25 year old.  There are people with far more experience than I.  Take them for what they are worth and I wish you the best on your journey...

-Mayfair

[GQPAT]

Also, this is more for the FTM bottom surgery, but put bluntly, now that they have found a way to change the "bottom" part, are they working on a way for it to look more "normal?" I know that part shouldn't matter, but for reason it seems like a bigger factor for me, because I'm gay. I guess that's why it matters so much to me?

Hey Brady,

Speaking from the perspective of a MTF who identifies as bisexual and has dated plenty of gay/bi guys....the "bottom" parts only really matter to the superficial dudes anyway...I know there sure is a lot of "cock-worship" in the (mainstream)gay male community so that's why I tend to date guys who are a little more queer (into queer politics/anti-capitalist/etc)!  T will help you with the facial hair/muscles/ruggedness of your look & you never know T could also (like a few FTMs I know) enlarge your clitoris to the point of penetration! 

Okay my last comment is probably biased because I'm a trans-girl (and therefore have never really enjoyed my penis all that much.... I mean I don't ABSOLUTELY DESPISE IT but it'd be nice if it wern't there) but I enjoy using a strap-on MUCH MORE when I penetrate someone than using my own penis...it just feels right!  So yeah....you can always use a  strap-on!  But wait...you never stated your preference in bed...who knows you could be 100% bottom!

+ as Loren Cameron said (or was it Patrick Califia?)....if a (bio)gay guy gives you any hesitation tell him Look, give me 10 minutes in bed with you...trust me after 10 minutes you'll know whether you've been sleeping with a guy or a girl!!! 

I always found that comment so adorable!

Cheers: Pat

[ConfusedMichelle]

Thanks ya'll. Gah, I love this place. You guys are great. Thanks, really. 

[dan_555]

hi,
i am so relieved that theres another person on here who feels the same! I have been convinced for years that im a gay guy trapped in a womans body! me to, all of my friends are gay guys! all of them. They see me as "one of the guys" and that makes me feel great.
I get approached by gay men a lot, they actually see me as a cute gay guy!
theres nothing about me thats feminine, ive looked boyish for absolute years and love it! I cant seem to bond with women at all! its not that i dont like them or anything, but just related to guys better.
dan

[Kismet]

Hey Mikko, I saw your new avatar. Very smexy.

But as things go, I'm really happy at this thread. There are very few to none FtMs where I am, well... None right now, since I'm 2 hours out in the country and the nearest big city with any sort of concentration of culture is Winnipeg and...
Well in short, there's even less gay FtMs.
It's nice to meet people of my species. @_O

Thinking you're the only one alive is never fun. At all.

[dan_555]

hi brady,
thanks for your email, i dont have myspace.com, but can keep in touch via email. super!
dan