Support?

[Squirrel698]

I get really jealous of people when they say they have support within the community.  Like Lachlann said in his brilliant post or I story I saw on my tumblr yesterday day of a young trans man who was encouraging others to come out because of the great support within the community.  Oh really?  What support?  How does one get this support?  I almost wrote a comment bursting his bubble but he was so happy and sunny I didn't have the heart.  That's not the type of thing to tell people.  People need to expect to go through this hugely emotional change on their own.  If they don't have the strength to do that then they probably shouldn't.

I so desperately need support.  Someday, everyday really, I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread.  I try to be supportive to others on here if I see something I can relate to but my comments are soundly ignored for the most part.  So what's the point of leaving them?  It is possible people are reading them and not responding I suppose. 

I just feel so isolated here in the suburbs of Chicago.  My Mother is back in my life, unfortunately and she is trying to tear me down and damn if she isn't succeeding.  After three months of not speaking to me she comes back crying that she loves my family so much that she can't stay away.  She seems my kids and that's predictably emotional but she is cold as ice to me.  That's actually fine, better that then being insulted.  However today she gave up on that and started talking once again about how I am causing her so much pain as "she watches me destroy" myself.  That she proceeded to talk about how what I am doing is so against God's so called plan.   

There is no point in saying what I'm thinking or feeling because she couldn't care less.   She only cares about how what I am doing is affecting her.  I asked her to come and see my therapist with me.  I was hoping that a neutral party would be a moderator to help her understand my pov.  Of course she refused because she won't see someone who is neutral to the transgendered individuals.  She'll only go to a therapist who disagrees with what I am doing.  Well that's great ....  I may be a masochist but I'm not setting myself up for that.             

She just makes me sick to my stomach, honestly.  Even though it was difficult with the kids it was so much better around here when she was gone.   It's bad enough that my own Mother doesn't accept me in the least.  But she rubs salt on that wound by doing everything she can to guilt me into pleasing her.  I know I shouldn't let her but I'm a god damn pushover because I love her so much.  I haven't even spoken to my Father and I have no idea how he feels about this because Mom is keeping us apart.

Which brings me back to my feelings of isolation.  I have to stop seeing my therapist who I really enjoy and I know helps me a lot.  We just can't afford her.  When I was a teenager I was severely beaten and bashed and raped by a gang.  I spent a few weeks in the hospital.  Part of that in intensive care.  I did have a court case and did win a settlement but my Father lost most of it by putting it into a stock against my wishes and losing it all.  I am mostly recovered except for my teeth.  I've had so many jaw and tooth surgeries that I can't even count.  A lot of which is not covered by insurance.  My parents started a few things and then didn't finish them in my mouth because they were to expensive.  Unfortunately when you start something like that and then leave it, it just gets bad again.  I'm just getting it taken care of now.  We can look forward at a $5,000 dental bill soon.  So my therapist is going away as well as my trans-friendly personal trainer.  This is going to be tough on me.   

Living in the suburbs not in the city means that I am far away from anything that might help me.  Going to the city is a huge deal with three kids, two of them special needs and a partner that resents me leaving them with him.  Never mind that he goes to work and I'm stuck with them all day long when they are not in school.  I hate being stuck in the house and would love to find a job but childcare for special needs children is so expensive that I don't even know if I would be able to find a job to cover the cost.  I only have an associates degree.  My partner is tentatively supportive and partly because a divorce would be such a messy ordeal at this point in this economy.  That doesn't exactly make me feel loved.  However sometimes he really sweet but I don't want to burden him too much with my feelings as he has no idea how to deal with them.

I am making a point of telling everyone that my name is Paul and to refer to me with male pronouns.  The children's teachers, their therapists, my dentists and doctors.  Most people are agreeable but I get the feeling I'm being patronized quite a bit.  I suppose as long as they do it?  But just calling me Paul doesn't mean they view me as male but maybe that will change in time I don't know.

So yeah.  Sometimes the thought of putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger is a very attractive idea.  I'm drowning here.  I need support so bad but I don't know how to get it.  I am much more comfortable being a male but what's the point when I'm stuck in a situation I can never ever get out of?       

[cynthialee]

***Hugs Paul***
Sorry thats all I have. I wish I knew what to say.

[insideontheoutside]

I do see more support happening on a message board like this than elsewhere. And granted, young people who have no experienced things such as you have in life can seem pretty jaded simply because they haven't run into certain situations YET. I'm in my 30s so I've probably got more experience with just life in general than most people. I've been sexually abused (nothing to hold a candle to your horrible experience, thankfully), I've taken drugs, I've been an alcoholic, I've put a gun to my head and almost pulled the trigger. I think back on the "dark times" and look at where I am now and thank whatever is out there in the universe that I held on. I never had a vast support network. I never even told my parents what my "deal" was. They don't know about the drugs or alcohol or thoughts of suicide. To me, it was just better that they never knew those things because like so many other's parents, they probably wouldn't have understood and it would have made the situation even worse. I had a few friends during the dark times but one of them was utterly clueless. One of the other ones saved my life though. Back then there were no forums on the internet like this, so I got lucky that I had at least one person who cared and knew what I was going through in my life.

It's hard to see any good when things on all fronts seem bad. But at the end of the day, you're alive and it sounds like you've been through some serious ordeals ... and survived. That's the key. It may seem hopeless, but it seems to me from reading this post that you're a strong individual. I also know how hard it is to stay positive when everything seems so negative in life but the more you can grasp on to even tiny things that are positive, the more you can make those baby steps out of the darkness and into the light. Whenever I'm down in the hole, I turn to writing. I'll write out, much like you have in this post, everything that is bothering me, things I can't seem to deal with, problems, etc. Usually by the time I'm half way through my mood has already started to change. Just the simple act of writing or typing out what I'm feeling is good therapy. Attitude plays a key role in moving from bad to good as well. If you can really get in touch with the emotion you're feeling, roll around in it for awhile until you've basically used it all up, then you can move a tiny bit higher on the emotional scale. It's a technique I keep coming back to in life because it actually works for me.

Anyway, I don't know if any of that helps, hopefully it does.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Um. Support isn't everywhere. Trust me. It took going to a gay bar and becoming an entertainer and getting close to my drag dad to find support. Once I started performing I realized that half of the male entertainers or "drag kings" were actually like us. You've gotta look sometimes. I didn't know any other trans people in person until I started going to the gay bar. I understand life is tough...but you gotta keep pushing if you don't find support. In some areas there's more of an mtf population. In my area, it's more transguys. Sometimes you'll find very little even when you push. You may have to reach out online until then.

[Squirrel698]

@ cynthialee  - Thank you!  You have no idea how much that is appreciated.  <3

@ insideontheoutside - Yes it does help.  Thank you for that.  Usually I do my best to remain positive.  Just after Mom's phone call I hit a new low that I haven't been to for while.  We are similar ages and it seems we have been through similar things.  It means a lot to have you around because I know you can see where I am coming from.  Writing is good, you are right.  I'm working on a story right now, just a work of fiction but I'm putting a lot of my thoughts and feelings into it.  It does help quite a bit actually.  I feel a bit bad for whining on here but it does clear my head. 

@ Zombie boy - I know support isn't everywhere.  Clearly.  I'm glad you found yourself in a gay bar.  I go to a gay bar and I get old men hitting on me and other guys gyrating against me on the dance floor.  I'm usually kind worried that if they found out my secret they would take me somewhere and beat me up.  I am a guy so I say I'm a guy but I don't know how they would feel about that if they got in my pants.  Every guy that I've talked to at the bar closest to me really puts down the MTF's that come in there.  I find it very disturbing because they are so hateful.  They put down women as well to my face which is amazing.

Yes you are right life is a bitch.  I am reaching out for support as a last option.  I didn't mean to insult this community in any way.  I was just letting my feelings be known.     

[Trickster]

You're a strong guy Paul, and a wealth of knowledge and inspiration for us newbies. That said, everyone needs a buddy to lean on. Idk what to say or how to help exactly, being honest here...but I'm sorry & just know that you're appreciated here. <3

[sneakersjay]

Is there a PFLAG chapter near you?  They have been helpful to me.

Jay


P.S.   I should also say that the early stages of transition suck.  Yes, you feel like everyone is humoring you, pretending to be supportive and calling you Paul and he, when in reality you and everyone know the truth.  However, once you start passing consistently (give it a few more months, bro!) everyone ELSE who doesn't know you will be reading you as male, and eventually it will seem as if you've always been male (except for family, unfortunately).

Hang in there. 

[jmaxley]

Wish I knew what to say.   Life can really suck.  Just gotta keep going.   

[Farm Boy]

Aw, Paul, don't give up!  I'm sorry things are being extra tough right now.  Can you find any GLBT groups nearby?  That could help in the absence of your therapist.  And I read your posts, I just usually do more reading than posting here.  (BTW, that update picture you posted a while back was making me jealous, you're looking really good! )  Just hang in there, things will get better!

[Squirrel698]

Thank you so much Farm Boy, Jmaxley, Jay and Trickster.     I am feeling much better now.  I have a lot to be thankful for as well.  Beautiful children, my health, a lot of time to write, a partner who is trying to understand and a bright future ahead.  And yes things will get better.  I just can't let my Mom bring me down like this.  If she's going to do that she's not good for me.  She's not good for my kids.  She's really not good for my relationship.  Nothing I do is going to get her approval so I might as well stop trying.   

There is a PFLAG near me and a few FTM groups in the city.  I'm just going to have to start compromising with my partner in order to work out babysitting between us.  I need more than he does right now that's all there is to it.  Hopefully it won't be that way forever.     

[insideontheoutside]

I didn't consider anything you wrote in the original post, "whining". Seriously. Whining is what I see on, "My Super Sweet 16" (or whatever the eff that show is called!) on MTV! LOL You were simply going through your feelings at one of those "bottom-out" moments. Perfectly normal and natural really.

I actually consider this forum pretty rare - on most other forums I've tried in the past there was always some sort of drama element going on. I really don't see a lot of support happening in communities as a whole ... whether it be a community like LGBT or even in your own residential neighborhood. A lot of people keep to themselves, or are completely opinionated or just want to hear themselves talk. People who can't deal with their own feelings might lash out at others they think are a "threat" simply because they seem to be doing ok. There's tons of reasons for it, most are lame, but it doesn't negate that it happens. When someone has fallen down, they often need a hand to get back up - not a shove or a kick in the face, but that is really what so many people do. I could go way off on a tangent talking about that!

[JosephKT]

Family is an interesting thing.  The things you can normally ignore from everyone else is just somehow so much more painful when coming from family even if you don't like them.  I'm sorry things are rough, especially from your mother.  Hang in there though, I think some things are worth fighting for despite the amount of suck.  Best wishes to you man.

[Nygeel]

I think that coming out as trans is something a person needs to do when they feel comfortable. Just as how on many LGBT online communities, or even the mainstream LGBT movement are telling people to come out...it's not safe for everybody. Try to find the support in your area. An LGBT center, local trans folks, or visiting a nearby city are things you can try to find because you can't get support in a hard place unless you try to find it. I live in an iffy area. There is a decent gay community  but they are just like the mainstream gay movement (not very supportive of trans folks).

So do what is safe for you but try to find support and some sort of community.

[Arch]

I read your posts, and I like them even if I don't always respond directly to them. However, this particular thread has me reeling. I knew that you had kids and a difficult mother, but this other stuff is new to me. Stay-at-home parent, dental bills, losing your therapist? No wonder you're overwhelmed.

Jay is right--try to look forward to a time when the T has worked enough of its magic that you're read right by everyone or nearly everyone. It can be sudden. It was with me. Maybe your other problems will remain, but you won't be in the androgynous zone forever. (I imagine some of the AG folks here actually envy the TSs who are in that phase...how's that for a different perspective?) Bottom line: IT GETS BETTER.

Is there any way at all that you can work out a reduced fee with your therapist and/or attend a support group in your city? Forgive me if I'm covering ground that you've already visited. You might have asked your therapist and been refused, and you might have an intractable childcare situation that makes it difficult for you to get away for even a couple of hours.

But in that case, maybe you can get some of the local trans folks to come to you. Can you find any of these guys through your local LGBT center? Maybe get in touch with a facilitator and get to know him through e-mail? Can you get counseling through your center, or is that what you were doing? Also, there's also an FTM mentoring program online...I can't remember what it's called, but someone will surely supply the name. Perhaps you can find some relief there. Maybe a couple of the guys at Susan's live in your area and would love to meet you.

Support in our community is often a patchwork quilt of entities, so you wind up just piecing together a system that works for you. A friend here, a website there, a support group over there. You've already been doing that, but now you're staring at a gaping hole in the quilt and wondering how you'll stay warm at night. Fold it double and make everything else work harder for you. If that means you have to come here every day and spill your guts like you did today, then do it. We're not going anywhere.

You might not be looking for advice, only a sympathetic ear. You have it from me. Two of them, in fact. They're sort of hard to miss (thanks to my father, whom I strongly resemble).

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Gay bars aren't necessarily safe. I've been cornered or harassed on several occasions. It's only cause I'm an entertainer that I feel semi safe there. I know enough people there. And if anybody messed with me I'd have alot of people there to back me up. That's not always the case at bars where I don't know anyone. Then I feel more threatened.

[Al James]

Paul, you come across as a really great bloke and considering the s**t you have going on in your own life you always have helpful things to say in your posts. I can't say i identify totally with your situation cos i'm over in the UK and things are totally different here. The feelings of isolation I get tho- Susans is the only place where i don't feel alone. People at home and work call me Alex but i too get the feeling that they're only humouring me. I guess the only thing we can do, no matter who we are, is believe that someday we will get to be where we want to be no matter what twists and turns the road takes. Its hard when your older and you see your life slipping away and wish you'd had the guts to do it all at eighteen or younger like some of the people here. But we've got experiences both good and bad that have shaped us into the person we are today and its those life exeriences that give us the strength to carry on when it seems everything is against us. Keep looking forward Paul, one day you'll get there. Sorry I can't offer any practical solutions

[Lachlann]

Honestly, Paul, I feel for you. I really do.

Why? Because sometimes I feel I don't get enough support either. I have been that low, at least in terms of isolation, with a crowd all around me. Support is there to help us back up, but we still have to do the work. Unfortunately things can be overwhelming, and the notion of that can be like a cold hard stab or almost insulting.  When you are that low, thinking positively or trying to find good solutions seem unreachable but they are there.

Support is that nudge that keeps you going, it's that person who lets you know that even when you don't believe in yourself and a good way out of your situation, they do... even if they don't know what that solution is. So I say to you, I believe in you and I know you can get out of the dark hole that you are in because I am currently getting out of mine and I am soaring. I know you can do the same and I know that things will get better.

There is a great deal of information and support on this site, but I think what often happens is we see all these well loved and supported posters but we don't quite seem to realize that we are not thinking and feeling as they are 24/7. We usually have 12 or more hours of awake time, and all that time we are dealing with life and our thoughts and feelings in our head. And so when we get support or we see it happening, we sometimes take it for granted or we feel jealous.

"Why can't I get support from people?" "No one is telling can give me the answers!"

And the truth is, it is ultimately up to us to figure these things out. That doesn't mean we should lack support or don't deserve support, because we really are all deserving of it. The thing is, we need to be mentally prepared for this support as well for it to be truly effective. So yes, have gratitude, be thankful of what you have and use that to help you get through your day. Take care of yourself because you will find your mind at it's best to make important decisions that will help move you along.

It seems you are already on the right track and feeling a bit better, though. So keep at it!

[Arch]

Why? Because sometimes I feel I don't get enough support either. I have been that low, at least in terms of isolation, with a crowd all around me.

From what I can tell, most of us go through this even when we have tons of support. For a long time, I felt like I was drowning, yet I had Susan's, therapy, and all sorts of groups to go to. 

I just kept hanging on and hanging on and hanging on...I told myself "one day at a time," but that was too much. I started thinking in terms of a morning, an hour, a fifteen-minute block. I kept telling myself, "You can get through the next hour." And I would.

I found it very helpful to break EVERYthing down into small, manageable chunks. Tasks, time, even DVD movies. Granularity rules.

[Bones]

Good grief...I almost see me in that post, only with some different situations. I was in a bottom rut like that about 5 years ago. Had nowhere to go. No one to support me. Family being sh*ts to me...I know saying now 'It will get better' is something that seems highly impossible, but it will and that which that doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Please keep your chin up. It may seem like there's no light at the end of the tunnel but take it from someone that's had to scrape and claw from the bottom...there is one. It might not be a bright shining beacon where all your worries and troubles disappear...but there is hope that it isn't as dark down the road as it is now.

[kyle_lawrence]

My first thought when i read your post was "If I still lived in Chicago, I would be on my way to the Metra to go visit Paul."   Unfortanately I live 1000 miles away now. I've been in your situation before, and failed at suicide (thankfully) a couple times.  Things did get better for me, and I found a great support system after I stopped looking for one.  Don't give up.

And please, keep posting. Like others have said I read a lot more than I post, because often times I dont feel that I have anything productive or supportive to add, or its basically already been said.  Theres more support here than you realize, and it took this thread to help me realize that,  and I'm going to try to take my own advice and try not to take it personally when I don't get responses to my threads or posts.