I feel soo happy right now :)

[LivingInGrey]

I spent the last week talking with my S.O about wanting to 'try' the breasts thing out. I didn't want to push the subject so it took an entire week to talk about it and let her digest what feelings this might have brought on for her.

In the past I had tried twice to do the water balloon experiment and failed because the bras I had been using were throw away bras that she had said we're no longer good. Because of the weight of the water balloons they weren't able to stay put for vary long even in a sitting position. At first she didn't like the idea... Then a few days later she handed me one of her throw away bras (a sports bra that fastens up the front) and said I could use it and throw it away when I was done. I knew this one wasn't going to work because I had already tried it. She asked me how it went (she didn't want to be here for it) and I told her that I didn't get much use out of it, the balloons kept on sliding down my chest and I had to rearrange things every two minutes or so.

She's got two bras though, that I knew would work out much better (under wire support bras) but I didn't want to use them and have her find out some how (stretched out or what ever... I wouldn't put it past her to be able to just sense that something wasn't right). Last night she handed me one of these bras and said 'if this works better, and you want to keep on doing this you'll have to buy me a new bra. Just don't cross dress or anything, I don't think I can handle that.' ... This bra is fantastic ! I've been wearing this for 4 hours now and I've only had to make a few minor adjustments even with doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen and cleaning my office. I almost can't tell that I'm wearing it anymore.

I'm almost high on happiness right now I just about can't explain it other then a contact buzz (for those who have smoked weed).

I spent a week or two going over some of my old posts and journal entries, trying to figure out what it was about my past that was bugging me. I think I've cleared up some of the issues I've been dealing with in the past, and along with not having to worry about my S.O finding out I've been wearing one of her good bras it feels like I have completely let go of an enormous weight off my shoulders (ha... just so I can strap on a few extra pounds) and I feel happy.

Although she said 'just don't cross dress' I'm sitting here, in some of her throw away clothes and I feel happy. It's not cross dressing, it's finally dressing the way I feel.

Happy.



If you want to read what I had posted on my new website feel free. The link is in my signature.

[Nigella]

Hi LivinginGrey,

The problem with opening Pandora's box called gender dysphoria is that you can't then shut the lid. My experience was the more I opened up myself to my feelings, hopes and fears the more I realised that life is to short to not be who you are instead of being someone that other people want. Sounds selfish I know.

It is not an easy thing to do and particularly if you have a SO and/or children as well. It all impacts on their lives as well as yours. I was eventually told to leave and I left with nothing, (sounds like the weakest link, lol). I have however built a new life beyond my imaginations and look to the future. I just had my car, my female clothes and a few belongings and a little in the bank and I mean a little. But you have to do what makes you feel complete and comfortable with yourself but one thing can and sometimes does, lead to another.

When I read other peoples posts here I am still amazed at the resilience, strength, will power and determination of the transgendered to be who they really are.

I am concerned because of your SO's statement, it may work out it may not. Be gentle, forgiving and talk things through and continue to be happy

Stardust

[Janet_Girl]

I think that it is funny that she doesn't want you to cross dress in front of her, but yet that is exactly what you are doing when you are presenting male.

I hope things work out for you and your SO.

[spacial]

Good point Janet. 

Hopefully things will settle down in time.

best of luck LivinginGrey

[LivingInGrey]

I had to hold back a chuckle when she said that Janet... 'but I've been cross dressing for years now?!' :p

I plan on talking thing through with her. I'm sure she's going to ask me how things went with the different bra, and I wonder how much I should tell her right away. I don't want to lose her, I know I can't transition yet being like this has made me feel happier then I've felt in a real long time.

I don't know if this is going to be something I'll be able to do just whenever I want. I also don't know what this will do to my drive for a happier me. She's already said that if I chose the life of a female over the life of a male she would leave, and wouldn't hold a grudge about it. And I don't blame her, she's grown up feeling that she's wanted a life with a man, not 'or possibly a women'. If I did choose this, I'd have to prepare myself for her to change her mind.

Right now though, I'm happy. If she can't cope with me being happy every once in a while then this goes deeper then just my GID. She has never been the 'I want a macho man' kind of girl and she even wants to/has put makeup on me every now and then.

I have faith.

Ty though stardust

[Melody Maia]

Not trying to put a damper on your happiness, but in my experience, these experiments are a temporary bandaid. If you were CD, this might be enough. For me as a MTF, it became unsatisfying after awhile because I didn't have the right parts. After awhile, dressing became depressing because it reminded me of what I wasn't. The result is a closet full of clothes I won't wear anymore. I do wonder if they hindered my reization of my true self, or helped me take a baby step along the way. I prefer to think of it as the latter.