Sex and trannsexuality...

[alexx]

Okay, so I'm a pre-everything FtM and I still look like a chick and whatnot. Something that I've been thinking about is virginity and sex and my gender dysphoria.

So, if I'm going to be honest, I'm obsessed with virginity. I'm not saying I'm going to go be easy and sleep with the first person I see, but I just really want to get rid of it. I think this started when I realized that I was too uncomfortable with my body because of my dysphoria that I didn't want anybody to see it - and I certainly don't want somebody touching my downstairs if it's not even supposed to be there.

If I ever have a boyfriend or girlfriend one day (I'm bisexual), well... I don't think I can have sex using my imaginary penis unless I use a strap on or something, now could I? Especially if they were a guy and they liked me because I look like a girl, not a boy. So it's not like I would be able to use a strap on on him anyway - well, unless he was gay or bi or something. I don't know.


Anyway, I'm rambling and getting no where.

How am I supposed to have sex if my dysphoria is so bad that I can't even look at my body in the mirror? And since I still look like a girl, I guess that doesn't help me much (my mom won't let me cut my hair short and if I bind, she might kill me.) Or do I just stay a virgin until I eventually get a sex change in the far future?


Sorry if I posted this in the wrong place or something. 

[kyril]

If you get to the point with someone where you really want to do it, the urgency of that is going to shut down whatever rational thought processes are maintaining your inhibitions about your body. Maybe not all of them, but enough so that you'll likely surprise yourself.

If you haven't found yourself in that position yet, then you might not be ready to have sex. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with virginity and there's no reason to obsess over it - nothing changes once you've done it. There's no point even thinking about it as a general thing - all the plans, hopes, dreams, and obsessions in the world don't do any good unless you have a specific person in mind and want to have sex with them specifically (and they feel the same way).

As far as the practical aspects, some thinking ahead isn't a bad thing - if all your fantasies revolve around you penetrating your partner with a penis or penis-like object, for instance, you should probably get a strap-on and figure out how to carry it whenever you might find yourself in an intimate situation. And you might find that it's easier to have that kind of sex with a girl, so you might avoid intimate situations with boys for now. Or find some gay boys and take advantage of your position as an apparent girl to ask "innocently" about their sexual preferences. If you can't stand being penetrated, basically, you don't want a straight guy or a gay strict top or a stone butch lesbian, but everyone else is fair game, and what actually happens in bed is negotiated after you and your partner have decided to have sex.

[kyril]

Oh, just to give you a clearer idea on how sex usually happens, there are 2 ways:

(1) Committed relationship sex. This is where you find someone you really like on more than just a physical level and you develop an actual attachment/romantic relationship. This goes on for some time and eventually the two of you decide you're going to take things to the next level. Presumably, if you get to this point with someone, they know about your body issues and are willing to do what it takes to make you comfortable, including allowing themselves to be penetrated or having non-penetrative sex where your clothes stay on or just agreeing to call your anatomy by the names you prefer. Whatever ends up happening, it's something that's negotiated between you and your specific partner as part of an ongoing process of discovering each other's likes, dislikes, and quirks. It's not really worth planning this sort of sex until you can plan it with a specific partner.

(2) Casual sex. This is where you hook up with a friend (long-term or short) and have sex that's not planned in advance. In general, you start out doing something not overtly sexual with the person - going out for drinks, watching movies, whatever - often in a group. At some point the two of you find yourselves alone together (or arrange to be alone), and at some time after that you begin to do things that are overtly intimate or sexual. This is where the potential for sex actually begins to appear - and at this point, again, you're with a specific individual, one with individual desires and boundaries just like your own. And you can communicate with them about what you want and where your boundaries are. If you're simply not compatible (or not compatible for anything beyond a certain point) there's no harm, because there's no attachment. But if you find your mutual drive to have sex with each other is stronger than your/their inhibitions, there's no harm in that either.

You don't have to decide that you're going to have sex with someone until (a) you're in a position to actually have sex with them and (b) you've communicated what you want and gotten a response from them individually and (c) you know what your physical/emotional reaction was to that reaction. Nor do you have to rule them out before you get to that point just on the basis of what you think they'll want. The world doesn't end if you make out with some guy and then find out he's also a top and neither of you wants to switch. With any luck, you had fun getting to that point.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

When I lost my virginity, my attraction towards the person overrode my dysphoria. Looking back I wish I'd never had sex with her cause she ended up not seeing me as completely male and I'd always said that I couldn't have sex with someone who didn't see me as that. But at the time I only wanted sex.

I was never comfortable with sex pre-t but it happened. Since starting T and junk growth...I'm a little more comfortable. Having a little guy that gets hard and all makes it less dysphoric. But I don't think I'll be completely comfortable until I'm post bottom op.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Oh-- and for me, casual sex is easier to have than comitted sex. Committed sex sorta hurts emotionally, cause then sex seems to turn into some huge deal and I ended up talking about how it made me dysphoric..and she got mad...yadda yadda...

With casual sex it just happens and there's not alot of "next time we'll do this this and this" cause it just...happens. And you're not emotionally attached to the person. Which makes it that much more comfortable.

[cynthialee]

Now that my body is in that androgyneous state I am uncomfortable with the idea of sex with anyone other than my spouse. And that is probably only due to hir being in the trans camp also.
Sex can be a serious trigger for an attack of dysphoric hell for a trans person. I would sugest only having sex when the desire to have sex completely overrides ones fear of a dysphoria attack. Otherwise why risk it?

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Dysphoria attacks suck. It's happened before, during, and after sex for me. Honestly I think the only people I'd be completely comfortable with sexually are trans people.

[Alessandro]

Dysphoria attacks suck. It's happened before, during, and after sex for me. Honestly I think the only people I'd be completely comfortable with sexually are trans people.

Dunno, I am with a transgender person and I am still pretty uncomfortable.  I really hate having such issues with sex, because I bloody love sex.  I really wonder if it is possible to get over having the wrong genitals.  Seems like everybody has different levels of comfort. 

[Lucian]

I surprised myself recently.  I'm actually active now on a semi-regular basis and haven't had a dysphoric attack.  I find I actually enjoy it.  At first I got uncomfortable being seen in any state of undress, but my partner has consistently shown an acknowledgment of my maleness, never seeming to mistake me for a girl.  I had thought I'd never try being penetrated again cuz it makes me feel too much like a girl (and 'submissive' cuz I've always been dominant and it has to be me that penetrates).  Out of trust and practicality I've become pretty okay with it.  But I'm still afraid of having an attack during one of those times.  I know he'd understand but it'd really, really suck as well all know.

So, alexx, there's not much you can really do I suppose.  You can't force yourself into that situation and suck it up.  When you start getting more comfortable with yourself the likelihood of a dysphoric attack will lower, and being with someone you can trust is VERY helpful, or as someone mentioned, casual sex where it doesn't matter and there's no attachments.  Whatever you find works for you/makes you more comfortable.  But yeah, no rush on the virginity thing.  Virginity means you haven't had sex before, it's not something you "lose"-you've simply done something you haven't before.

[Lukas-H]

I don't have much to say here but Alexx, there are plenty of straight men that are into having their anus penetrated for pleasure. Though, things do get a bit muddy there if there is a straight guy you're interested in but he only sees you as female. I'm almost in the same situation, but my partner is very accepting of my issues and kind of sees me as someone in between genders, even though I look somewhat feminine. We're still a 'young' couple, only been together a little over a year but I have faith that we'll be able to figure out some kind of equilibrium in regards to my gender issues,  how I identify and how we fit together as partners.

[Yakshini]

With sex, you really just have to go with when it feels right for you. Thinking too much about it can cause dysphoria, I know it can for me.
I lost my virginity to someone I was only moderately attracted to physically and not at all emotionally attracted to. We had sex that one time, and never again. But virginity was not something I ever thought was important to have or lose.
Currently, I rarely deal with dysphoria because of sex, and I am a hella active person. Use to do it a few times a week, but much to my dismay I have cut back to about once a week now. I enjoy sex, and in that time I am able to forget about my body and just enjoy the way everything feels. I mean, I don't hate that I have a vagina, I hate that I don't have a penis. Vaginal sex is perfectly okay with me and doesn't cause me dysphoria.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I guess I'd feel more comfortable with trans people cause in my mind I sort of think they're more likely to not slip up on seeing me as anything but male. Cis people, as understanding as they can be, can't directly relate. So it makes me a little nervous about that.

[cynthialee]

I guess I'd feel more comfortable with trans people cause in my mind I sort of think they're more likely to not slip up on seeing me as anything but male. Cis people, as understanding as they can be, can't directly relate. So it makes me a little nervous about that.

I feel like this alot. Luckily I am in a dual transition relationship.

[Fencesitter]

I guess I'd feel more comfortable with trans people cause in my mind I sort of think they're more likely to not slip up on seeing me as anything but male. Cis people, as understanding as they can be, can't directly relate. So it makes me a little nervous about that.

I thought like this too, but recently found out that as soon as your body looks ambiguous thanks to testosterone, some gay and bi guys get it right, even if you haven't had top surgery yet and look confusing as hell. It's amazing.