In my second session today I finally stated out loud to my therapist that I felt I was transexual, not simply a man with transgendered feelings. I felt that way all along, but I guess I wasn't stating it directly enough for her. She was clearly surprised by this as she was by my plainly stating I wanted a female body shape, breasts, SRS and all the rest. Apparently, this sort of admission usually takes awhile. However, after I said that, I think she finally realized I was quite serious and had been thinking about this for quite some time. She had at first recommended sessions once every two weeks, but she then switched this up to once a week. She also gave me a sheet to fill out regarding the things I would like to change about myself. I think I may have just taken a big step in getting where I want to go.
The way I see it, I am 39 and am very tired of sitting on the sidelines of life. I want to get going and be the person I was meant to be inside and have everyone see her. Where before I was ambivalent about my male body, I am starting to really resent my male presentation. My male body, voice, hair, clothes along with the rest of it and societal expectations of same have really started to grate on my soul. I can barely stand to the look in the mirror. Things cannot happen fast enough for me at this point. Maybe it is best to take it slow, and surely their will be a lot of waiting in the future, but I need to feel progress is being made in steady strides, not baby steps. I am finding it very hard to concentrate on anything else now.
