I just started dressing again...wonderful

[Gretchen Donaldson]

Hi, I am new to this website, but certainly not new to crosdressing. I am heterosexual, married, father and grandfather and have resumed my crossdressing adventure after a 44 year hiatus.
I dressed in my mom's clothes for about 4 years starting at age 11. I had always had a fascination with girl's clothes and even at age 7-8 I found an intense pleasure in watching girls at school who were all dressed up in pretty dresses, long hair, and hair ribbons. I think even at that age I was subconsciously jealous of those girls being able to wear such fun and pretty clothes.
Finally at age 11, my curiosity won out and I began by trying on some of my mother's undies, girdles and nylon stockings. That was about the extent of the activity, but I still found indescribable pleasure and delightful feelings by my new found adventure.
I thought that these fun episodes of experimentation were just a passing fancy.
I started dating at 16 and found no more urge to crossdress. I figured the crossdressing was a substitute for actual dating and now the dating replaced it permanently.
My wife and I met in high school and went together until after college when we were married.  We have enjoyed a strong 37 year marriage and still have a regular and very enjoyable sex life.
About six months ago, I experienced an overpowering and undenaible urge to purchase and try on a pair of pantyhose. That was all, I thought, nothing more.  I vaguely sensed that this was violating the male taboo I had followed faithfully all those years. Much to my delight, the sensations and excitement returned immediately and I began to periodically wear pantyhose with my walking shorts, a shirt and sandals.
Since then, my dressing has expanded to include a semi-complete  collection of clothing with blouses, skirts, shoes and a multitude of stockings. I dress usually 3 days per week, while my wife is at work.  I am semi-retired on an involuntary disability which happened about three years ago. I enjoy my dressing now as if it had always been a part of me. It feels totally natural when I am dressed but I have no desire of being a woman.
My primary issue at this time is an extreme worry about being found out by my wife.  I have had two near misses recently, both of which were narrow escapes.  The fear I felt during and after those incidents is very strong in me ona minute by minute basis when I am dressed, like right now, although I know my wife is not schedule to be home until later this afternoon.  It's now 1.45 Pm.  Still, I enjoy my crossdressing adventures tremendously and cannot describe the feelings of bliss, confidence and excitement I feel every time.
I find I am driven to an attitude of extreme vigilance and stealth because coming out of the closet at this time is not an option due to marital and family reasons.
I am try to calm down and enjoy my very opportune chances more fully and not be so obsessed with discovery.  I realize this is a matter of personal reflection and self image, but I would still welcome any thoughts and suggestions you care to share.
Hope I wasn't too long winded, but this is the very first time I have told anyone else about my secret joy.
Love,
Gretchen

[Cassandra]

Hi Gretchen,

Welcome to Susan's, you've come to the right place for help support and sharing. I hope you have read the site rules, if not take some time to do so. Also there is a great information resource we call the Wiki, I think you will enjoy. There are many here who share your joy and are quite familiar with your plight.

I am one of the TS's here and you will find I'm full of advice and can usually at least point people in the right direction. There have been some episodes of discovery by wives of CD's  who are members of this forum. You might want to read those. Check out devastated by Shelley. She is one CDer who has become special to me and I watch out for her very carefully. You may find her experience enlightning. Also I'm sure she will have some advice for you although right now I think her immediate concerns may be more pressing. However she's a sweet girl and she may just make the time.

Please make yourself at home. As I like to say, fix yourself a cup of tea or other reaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off and set a spell. No requirement on the shoe thing, I've learned CDers generally prefer to leave theirs on.

Good Journey,

Cassie

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Gretchen,

Welcome, welcome, it's nice to meet you.   I think that you will find that Susan's is a great site to hang out in, chat, ask advice, and give advice.  Don't worry about being "long winded" you will fit in quite well I'm sure, as we can be very opinionated  at times   well I know I can, but that's just me   enjoy your stay.

The only advice that I would venture at this point in time is to be very careful that your wife doesn't "find out" by accident.  Depending on what you are willing so sacrifice you should consider the consequences of your actions, as you seemed to have done,

I find I am driven to an attitude of extreme vigilance and stealth because coming out of the closet at this time is not an option due to marital and family reasons.
I am try to calm down and enjoy my very opportune chances more fully and not be so obsessed with discovery.  I realize this is a matter of personal reflection and self image, but I would still welcome any thoughts and suggestions you care to share.

But until you are ready and able to come out you must still be careful of discovery, don't let your guard down, being caught can lead to very unfortunate circumstances.

So with that I'll say take care and I'm sure we will chat later 

Steph

[Gretchen Donaldson]

Thanks for your warm and loving welcome, Cassandra and Steph.  I am very happy that there is a place to go where I can share this adventure and feel safe and accepted. 
At present, my care and personal actions to avoid detection seem to be satisfactory.  My clothes and shoes are hidden in a never used tool cabinet in our garage. A loaded tool box sits directly in front of the latching door that leads to the stash. The nylons are in a sack behind a carefully fortified bookcase in our bedroom, on my side of the bed and against a wall. 
As much as I have fought the urge, I have partially shaved my legs and have been doing so discreetly for a while.  I would love to shave the entire leg area, but can only find a valid and potentially saleable reason for shaving above the knee.  I have not been confronted yet, nor has that anomaly been noticed by my wife.  Keep my fingers crossed and wear long pants, even in the summer heat!
I am trying to take this experience one day at a time, which is a pretty sensible practice that i have been following since 1975.  Not to get religious or anything, but I have had a calming sense of acceptance and encouragement from my Higher Power. 
I feel like my best defense at this time is also to seek more balance with the crossdressing vs. my male persona time.  That is very hard to do so far.
Anyway, thanks again for your gentle and loving wishes.  I am most happy to be here and be accepted.
Love,
Gretchen

[Debtv]

Hello Gretchen,

I enjoy my crossdressing adventures tremendously and cannot describe the feelings of bliss, confidence and excitement I feel every time. I find I am driven to an attitude of extreme vigilance and stealth because coming out of the closet at this time is not an option due to marital and family reasons.

I'm a 48 heterosexual tranvestite/crossdresser. Well hon, here are a few things I consider facts about my tv/cd life:
* My desires have grown with my age.
* Living in denail made me very unhappy.
* Living a secret is very hard.
* Seems my 'femme stash' was always found.
* My mate felt something was wrong...but totaly misunderstood, (thinking it was somehow her makeing me act odd) since it was my secret.

And my quesses about your gig:
*Now that your geni is out of its bottle...I doubt it will go away.
*The more you do it...the more you will want.
*Your desire will grow to dressing all the way....wig, makeup & so on.
*Your mate will probely catch you.

I quess you assume it would freak her out...otherwise you would be telling us about her reaction. In my life, it came to a point where I felt I had to tell her....trying to do what was the right thing. I do know some who cd rarely and are succesfull at keeping their secret.

Maybe watch "Ed Wood" and explore her feelings at his cding. Maybe talk to her about how gender rules are silly...and how sometimes you feel a need to express your softer side.

I don't know....hate to counsel you to do that...and have her end up hating you for it. I was married 17 yrs, and my ex hated me for it, so I know how it can be. But living a secret is not good for you, or her.

I think we need to visit more about it....ya think?

Welcome to Susans!
DebTV

[Shelley]

Hi Getchen,

I am a crossdresser and I can match parts of my life with your desciption. The comments from Steph, Deb and Cassie are worth considering and very good advice.

Cassie suggested that you read Devastated by me. I think that you will find my first post under that forum a little disconcerting. As you read on you may find it a little more reassuring. I may be one of the lucky ones only time will tell. You need to consider the possibility that it may not turn out for the better for you. For most of us it does not the rest count themselves very lucky.

I can tell you that the fear of being caught is part of that thrill you talk of the reality is very scary. I have a family that at first I thought I was going to loose. The most difficult thing that you will have to deal with is the feeling of betrayal experienced by your partner. The fact that you have been this way for a long time is not all that comforting to your partner. They will feel that you should have given them a choice right at the beginning which is probably a fair call. I did but she chose to push it away as not real.

Which ever way this goes for you it will be as Deb described the Genie is out of the bottle. You can lock the Genie out for a while and deny it but eventually she'll return. If you choose to be careful and not confide in your partner you need to consider that being caught is almost inevitable. For me it was accessing this site that gave me up (I was sloppy in clearing up the history files) but it easily could have been something else.

I had been working towards telling her for sometime and was confident that she knew it was coming. Unfortunately for me she didn't see it coming and may not have been happy had I told her before she found out. Her first indications were regardless she would not have accepted. At this stage I can't confirm one way or the other. Indications are however that this may not be the case.

In closing if your experience is anything like mine and it does sound that it is. This is not going to go away and some deep thinking about consequences needs to be done. I will admit to part of me thinking that this part of me is my personal space and for that would have been happy to keep it to my self unfortuanately as you will see in Devastated it didn't stay that way.

This is a very special place and during the trying times that I have experienced this week a place that has helped me hang on to my sanity and kept my feet on the ground. So welcome on your journey of self discovery Gretchen listen, read and learn and with your newly aquired knowledge share your experience with us.

Remember this. We are here and we care.

Shelley

[Louise]

Gretchen,

Do not fool yourself.  Your wife will find out.  It may not happen this year or next, but she will find out.  It is just a matter of how she finds out.  Either you tell her or she finds out herself.  If she finds out herself she will feel that you have lied to her and she may imagine the worst.  If you tell her yourself, then you have an opportunity to talk.

Like you I am a grandfather and have been married for over 35 years.  I started crossdressing more openly about six or seven years ago after many years of repressed urges (not always successfully resisted).  When I decided to dress more openly I told my wife.  It was not easy, but I do not regret this decision.  If you have been married for 37 years, then you and your wife have a good thing going.  Trust her.  A little thing like wearing a dress now and then is not going to change what you have developed between you over all those years.  My advice, sit down with her when you are alone and have some time to talk.  After being married to you for 37 years your wife will not mind talking to you for an hour or two.

[Cassandra]

Hey gothgirl!

I don't much get it either but I have made enough CD friends here to know that for most the only opportunity to dress and express their feminine side is at home with a few exceptions. For us TS folk certain underwear is a necessity rather than a fashion statement. Plus once you have actual breasts the bras get even more uncomfortable, as I'm sure you know. Who the heck ever thought underwire was a great idea never had to wear the dang things.

I'm sure other CD's like DebTV(hint hint) might be able to explain it better.

Later,

Cassie

[Louise]

I am not sure that I can give the explanation you are looking for, but I can share my experience.  Wearing feminine attire and makeup let me express a part of my personality that I ordinarily must keep hidden.  The only opportunity I have to do this ordinarily is at home.  I have gone out dressed en femme on several occasions, but it is not as important to me as being able to be dressed.

Dressing in costume is part of playing a part.  Business people wear professional attire to play the part of being a corporate mover.  Athletes wear a uniform to express team unity.  Gender is a role--a complex of behaviors that expresses the feelings and attitudes of the one playing the role.  Dressing the part helps to play that role.

I feel comfortable when I am wearing a bra, a skirt and high heels, not because these garments are really comfortable but because I feel that a part of my psyche is able to be at ease in these clorthes rather than be hidden behind my usual male attire.

If I were to wear a bra every day, I would be just as happy as any other woman to get the thing off at the end of the day.  But since I only get to wear my feminine clothing about once a week, I look forward to hanging up my male persona for a few hours and letting Louise be herself.

[Shelley]

As far as explanations go Louise,

I think that's not a bad effort at all.

Shelley