Hello, I'm new to the board and am looking for support, friendship, and to get to know you all better -and get to know myself better as well.
I am 37 years old, happily married to a wonderful woman (who is admittedly a huge tomboy) for the last 13 years. We have 4 children (2 genetic girls (1 our birth child, 1 adopted) and 2 adopted genetic boys), 3 doggies, and 3 kitties, a guinea pig and a rat - and lots of love for each other and all the kids n critters in our household
For the last few years I've been very depressed, self-abusing, (hair pulling and other stuff.) and really lost control of my appearance and weight, and basically just had no desire to take care of this body (which I didn't feel like I belonged in). I hid inside the baggy clothes and my crazy "uni-bomber-style" beard and hairstyle for the last many years... I've always felt like something was "off" with my life but couldn't ever put my finger on it. I never really had any male friends and always identified with women, and in fact, my best friends were always women. I was always considered "one of the girls" and always shared interests with my girl friends but not so much with my guy friends. In fact, in my jobs, I'm usually the only "boy" in the department and it would be hard to find a co-worker friend of mine who is not female (I work as a web consultant in the healthcare industry currently). I feel fulfilled at work and at home but always felt like something was missing. Something was "off"...
As my son has been getting older (he's almost 8 now) ; but since he started kindergarten, he has begun expressing a lot of opinions about what kinds of things are 'boy' colors/clothing/toys/ etc... versus 'girl' stuff, and he wanted nothing to do with 'girl' stuff. We have always raised the children without pushing any gender agendas and allowed them to play with whatever toys or books or clothing/colors they wanted to. My partner and I never tried to propagate any of the gender stereotypes but I was still "dad" and she was "mom". About 2 years ago my partner got very ill and I wound up taking over many of her roles in our household since she has been basically housebound for the last 2 years. Taking over her roles didn't came naturally to me. Don't get me wrong, to look at me (6'1" 330 lbs) I'm built like a football player, hairy, muscly and all, but playing the role of "Daddy" has never set right with me. I have always been more relaxed as a parent when I can be the mother hen and soft, gentle, and I'm really more of a "girly" dad -- but trying to do my partner's role was something I was trying to play for my kids. (at least I thought that's what they needed at the time.) My wife generally did the more sporty, outdoorsy activities with the kids (and more of the "handyman" work), and she was the "type A" personality in the home and i was happy to let her take care of those things since that never held any interest for me. Our roles aren't necessarily "male" or "female" but her interests and activities were more physical while mine were more emotional. (For example, she prefers to shop at Home Depot or sporting goods stores while I prefer to shop for craft supplies or go to an import store or cooking boutique or just sit and have coffee with my girlfriends... She likes to sew and decorate the house and I like to cuddle up with a bottle of wine and read a book or get together with others to play role playing games). We have plenty in common too but the ways we differ seem to be more along the physical/emotional line... Anyway the longer I spent trying to play her physical "Hefty" role (her words, not mine) in addition to my own in running the home while she was invalid, the less I felt that I was being true to myself and it just didn't feel natural. This just made my depression worse and worse and I found that I just didn't care about my hygiene, I was getting behind on my job, and didn't care to be around other people. I needed to find what was wrong but just didn't care anymore...
One day a few months ago some of my wife's panties got put in my dresser drawer by mistake -- being that we were about the same size, I decided "what the hell" to try them on myself; mainly because I was so depressed, that I didn't care enough to get new underwear out of the drawer. I loved how they felt. Nice and soft. Something sparked in the back of my mind. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror -- alone--- and thought... these look nice, but don't look quite right. And then *tuck* "...Oh! they look so much better on me now". I modeled them to myself in the mirror and looked up to see a huge smile coming from my eyes and mouth! I looked at my eyes and laughed with happiness because what i saw in my eyes was a giddy young girl who was so happy to be finally getting some attention and new pretty clothes. Looking at myself with just panties on and my business tucked in, I also felt like I was looking at a part of my body that had been missing! (which is kind of funny since there was really actually a physical part that was hidden....!) This was alarming to me -- I worried, "am I actually a cross-dresser"? but I had no real desire at that time to wear women's clothing... and this didn't really turn me on sexually, it just felt... right. Like I was looking through my body to who I could really be. I wanted to feel "right" all the time -- did this mean I needed to cross dress to feel this way? And then I went out to the internet to figure out if it is really normal for a man to want to wear women's underwear and if there were others like me. At first (of course) I found a lot of people who were into it for sexual pleasure or as a turn-on. That wasn't me. I just wanted to feel the happiness of seeing myself in "that body"... I really had to dig to find others, who, like me, just "felt right" looking like a woman. I decided that I would treat myself to this little bit of stealth cross-dressing since that was the one place things felt right. I announced to my partner that I wanted to wear women's panties full time because they were "more comfortable". "More comfortable" indeed - I felt more comfortable with myself just wearing them. i promptly replaced my "underwear wardrobe". She was totally ok with that and agreed that I should do what makes me comfortable.
As I began to research and discover the spectrum of transgendered people I began to think and consider my own life experiences and attitudes with a huge "what if I'm transgendered" light shining on it. Everything seemed to make more sense.... and I was kind of worried that I was not really more alarmed about this line of thought. Every experience in my life seemed to make more sense if I just admitted to myself that I gender-identified as a woman. Every time I tried to "be a man" or do "hefty" stuff I was putting on a role and trying to adhere to others' expectations of me. I looked back on my life and more and more I realized that I really was a woman inside this (now a big, strong, hairy, smelly) man's body! Oh how I wish I could have realized this sooner! Why didn't my parents tell me, or allow me to be who I was inside?! If only I could have transitioned 30 years ago! ::sigh::
Well, I know my parents would never support anything like that. I already knew they were strongly opposed to any gender queerness. A little background -- My parents (as "True Believing Mormons") always suppressed and redirected any gender expression of mine that was not compatible with the body I was born with. I adhered to their expectations of me and played the part of the "good mormon boy" for 30 years. Since I was a young teenager, I knew in my heart that I was just playing a part and never really believed it or agreed with my parents or their church regarding many of their more discriminatory practices and beliefs . About 7 years ago I formally quit the Mormon church, and in doing so, took the time to re-evaluate many of the "absolute truths" that my parents and their church taught me. (definitely a topic for another post I'm sure). As far as my gender Identity, I just never considered that my gender identity could have also been another one of those absolute truths that I needed to reconsider. I just thought that I had female tendencies that I needed to suppress and try to be "manly" and really embrace the testosterone... I always liked "girly" things and anytime I looked at a woman I always had a nagging jealousy (or wish!) - I wished I could BE her. Experience my life as her.
About a month ago I admitted to myself that I am a trans woman. The act of admitting this to myself lifted my depression. Suddenly I cared about myself, and had found the purpose and clarity that had been missing. I could act effeminate if I wanted to, I could express interest in "girly" things and could allow the woman inside to shine - even if others could only see the outer shell of my man's body.
About a week after this realization, I came out to my wife. I'm so glad she's open-minded and confident in her own sexual identity and preference (a few years ago she went through a gender self-discovery of her own and decided that she really is probably bi- ). After being weirded out for a few days (no one really likes to rock the boat)... we have had many conversations about this topic for the last month and she also thinks that this is probably correct - in looking back on our relationship and even when we are intimate she has mentioned that she felt like she was with a woman - and just thought this feminine energy that I had was what made me such a good match for her since she is also attracted to women as well. I have always thought of myself as a lesbian but never connected my gender preference to my gender identity - something that makes much more sense now.
My partner is also supportive (but very very concerned) of any MtF transition that I may pursue - although its a long, long road and I may never reach the end... and she worries that I will probably not every be happy with any body modifications in the long run. I can still dream that i'll get my fairy-tale body eventually... but I agree that she's got good reason to think that. So, I'm not sure how to approach any major changes to my appearances yet. I do enjoy and feel more comfortable (more like myself) wearing women's clothing but would not call myself a "serious" CD because I generally choose women's clothing that is more unisex / androgynous in appearance and not "obviously" women's clothes. I at least trimmed my uni-bomber beard so it is nicely groomed, short and trimmed - more 'metro' - if any beard can be considered metrosexual in appearance, and also I trimmed my hair to be more sassy and short (but still a unisex style.) I take care of my nails and moisturize and have altered my eating habits to try to lose the ~150 pounds I gained during my depression. I am motivated to exercise and really take care of my appearance and maybe someday when i lose a bunch of weight I might try going out en femme, but I'm not ready now because I feel like I'd just look fat and big and dumb. Besides for now having a beard makes my face look less fat than if its totally shaved. I do prefer women's fashion and hairstyles and wear loungewear and skirts and shorties around the house (i've been known to even don a camisole and nightie now and then cuz they're so comfy in bed.); but don't think I could get away with it outside my house, other than wearing like yoga pants with a tshirt and sandals or something like that - which I have been known to wear to run grab groceries or takeaway food. ... And I carry a "man bag" (i.e. purse) because I have waaaay too many things to carry around in my pockets. I mean geez wallet, cellphone, ipod, lipgloss, keys -- my pants would fall down from all the weight! And with a purse (ahem manbag) I have room to carry other necessities as well (like diapers when I have the baby with me)!
Don't get me wrong - If i could wave a magic wand that would *poof* my body into a woman's (or completely reverse the effect of testosterone on my current body) I would do it immediately and without a second thought. However I feel comfortable knowing that, like the Wizard of Oz says -- I already had it in me the whole time. I know I'm a woman through and through but just am limited by being born into this dang caveman body. I'll probably never be able to live stealth even with a lot of work, but being a woman isn't just about how my body looks, and its not about being able to stealth as a TS woman -- its who I am inside and
that is ultimately more important than my external presentation. It is rewarding seeing glimpses of that woman in the mirror, but I can be comfortable exploring and expressing my femininity and identity. I can still try to add some feminine touches to my wardrobe, manicure my nails, wear women's perfume (which smells better anyway) put on a little stealth makeup (at least some mascara and powder and still go out or to work without getting any weird looks. Luckily I live and work near San Francisco so the "acceptance quotient" is probably higher here, than if I lived somewhere less open-minded.
I'm in the process of finding a Real Life support group as well as finding an appropriate therapist for some counseling - not sure if there are other steps I should probably take but really am just so happy to have found and welcome to the world the "me" that was locked up inside for so long.
Anyway I'm so happy to meet you all and look forward to getting to know you better (and if you have any questions for me feel free to ask.). From here it looks like the road is long but I'm happy to have companions on my journey. I feel like I've got a whole life of missed opportunities to make up for and am looking forward to setting things right and learning more about myself and others along the way.
Cheers!
Rayalisse
