Seeing people again you knew from before transition and (not) disclose yourself

[Fencesitter]

Hi,

I'm curious to know how you deal with these situations?

Yesterday I had a brunch with a couple of friends in a café. I had an adult 1-week beard then. Two former work colleagues which I knew well showed up and sat down at the table beside me. They did not recognize me at all in the next couple of hours though my voice had not changed that much and it was not loud there.

They had known me when I was not out as trans but in "female mode" at work instead, and I liked them. But at the end when I worked there, I had been on testosterone for one year, had to shave every day to hide the beard, male haircut and clothes, and my voice had dropped into male range (it was a call-center). I had not met them since. I only had 6 more months of testosterone after that and then got off from T one year ago.

I considered going to their table, disclosing myself and chatting a bit with them, but decided not to do that. It was somewhat great to see people did not recognize me as long as I have no clean shave (otherwise they still tend to recognize me), and I wanted to play that out. I also follow my own "as few disclosures as possible" policy, as if too many people know that I transitioned I'll end up being out everywhere which I don't want to be. That was the reason I did not come out at my workplace, 300 colleagues there in the same room... On the other hand, it would have been nice to hear from them how things are going at the former workplace and how the other colleages are going etc.

It's a weird thing to know that whether you disclose or not, each decision may have some negative effects as well as positive ones in such situations, very different from what people usually experience. Just one of the many mind->-bleeped-<-s about transitioning. 

I even know a transwoman who after transition got a new colleague she worked with every day in the same room. That guy had been a close friend of hers years before her transition, and she decided not to disclose herself. She said: "It's quite difficult to become acquainted with someone who you actually know very well. You have to remember what he knows he told you and what not." 

Now I'd like to know how you folks deal with this kind of situations?

[rejennyrated]

Somewhat similar to you actually.

In my early postop days I once had the surreal experience of going out on a date with a certain Church of England Curate. Half way through the evening I realised that I had been at school with him. On that occasion, because it looked as though things might get intimate I decided to chance it, and true to form the lad never batted an eyelid. He clearly demonstrated then the tact and ability to remain calm which in later life has made him a moderately senior clergyman.

At the time we both laughed about it and in fact we went on to have several dates and amazingly the relationship did indeed blossom for a while.

As you get further past transition I think you will find that these things also get easier to negotiate. In general, my response these days, is that while I am not in that state that some call "stealth" I will tell people of my past only if it seems appropriate to do so and there is a good reason. However as I get older finding people from my past does seem to become a good reason all on its own!

It's little different for me because almost all of my employment has been as Jenny. So there is only one job where people briefly knew the other fellow. Also all though my school days I was living openly as something somewhat in between genders. The funny thing is that after so many years post transition I have had one or two people who, when I introduced myself, should have known my past but appear to have forgotten all about it and now seem to recall me as just an ordinary schoolgirl.

[Cindy]

It is an interesting call. Not one I face BTW. I think in general you are probably better off not revealing yourself. The people you open to may be OK, but they will talk and that can lead to some idiot  acting out a twisted belief.

This of course does not apply to Jenny. I have to admit I have always wondered where the first 'Vicar and the Tart' story originated.   
Sorry Jenny

Cindy

[Northern Jane]

I have run into a similar situation a few times, where I met someone I knew in childhood who did not recognize me. Sometimes I would tease them with information I should not have known and just leave them to puzzle over it. After my stealth was blown (20 years down the road) I am not so secret about it and tell those I think or hope will understand. I have regained a few childhood friends as a result.

[Sarah B]

The only time that I came upon a situation where I meet up with someone from my past.  Occurred approximately 3 years after I had my surgery.  I was applying for several jobs at the time as I wanted to settle down with a permanent job and not the constant job hunting with contract work.

One of the jobs that I was applying for at the time was with a major government agency that dealt with major highways.  I sent in my resume and I was one of the applicants that was selected to attend the interview.  I remember the day well as I had to fly in from my current job, just to attend the interview.  I dressed in a skirt with matching jacket, blouse, stockings low heeled pumps, make up and hair done in a French braid.  The job I was applying for was one of the jobs I wanted very much.

When I entered, the room there were 3 members, two men and one woman, on the interviewing panel and almost immediately I did a double take, because on the interviewing panel was one of the engineers from my last job, before I changed.

I was introduced to each of the members of the panel and shook their hands in turn.  My mind was racing away, thinking does he recognise me, is he going to undo me and saying to myself, 'does he or does he not', I really do not need this now.  Anyway the interview gets underway and I'm asked about my technical knowledge and the projects that I worked on and I was able to answer their questions flawlessly and I relaxed and I started to think he does not have a bloody clue and I started to grin.  Eventually the engineer, I knew asked about the people I used to work with and I mentioned to him he was around at the time I was there, however most of the time he was in another office and I mentioned quite a few people and the projects we worked on.  I could sense the puzzlement in his face, because he knew I was telling the truth, I knew too many details.  I then knew, he just could not remember me and I was home free.

To this day I still remember the puzzled look on his face.  Did I get the job?  Yes, did I take it? No, because of two reasons.  One I had accepted another job and two, even though the engineer did not recognize me, it was too much of a gamble to take because I would have been working with him and this path could have revealed my past and this was not acceptable to me.

Yes, one of the most memorable moments in my life.

Kind regards
Sarah B

[Nicky]

I decided early on that I was going to be openly trans. I don't feel I have anything to hide. Also it feels like I'm doing my part in improving trans acceptance. I've been really open about my journey.

But I get this a bit. My city is a small place and I bump into people that knew me from before on a fairly regular basis. normally I just go right up and say hi, and repeat who I am until it clicks. Most really don't recognize me at all and it takes awhile to get it. Of course I would only do this if I like the person in the first place. No point wasting energy on someone you don't.

All in all I seem to just get good reactions. I was always rather queer anyway, in that I openly was semi cross dressed a lot of the time - like nail polish, pig tails...so most people kind of just go - yup, that sounds like you all right, go you!

[K8]

Like Nicky, I live in a fairly small place and therefore often run into people who knew me before.  One time I asked a friend I hadn't seen for a long time if he recognized me.  He said no but he recognized my voice.  He then gave me a hug and asked how I was doing.  Another time someone I barely knew pieced things together and tentatively asked if I was *oldname*.  I just laughed and said I used to be but wasn't anymore.

My general rule is that I will disclose to people I want to stay connected to or with whom I'd like to re-establish a connection.  I will always admit to being trans if asked.  I hid for too long and won't do it anymore.

- Kate

[sneakersjay]

That has happened to me several times.

If they were people I truly cared about, that I wanted to keep in my life, I disclosed (rare; I'd already come out to everyone I cared to come out to, but occasionally you miss a few).

Most were acquaintances.  If I needed to interact with them, I just introduced myself with my new name.  This has happened on many occasions.

The funniest situation was when a former client of my own business (who ended up hating me for various reasons) came into my new place of business to see me.  I about died when I saw her name on the file, but I marched in there professionally, introduced myself, gave her options for her business, and in the end she had NO CLUE and actually liked me!  I was dying laughing after she left.


Jay

[Fencesitter]

Your answers and experiences are very very interesting, and some of them funny as hell.

And Dee, I'm sorry for the awful police you have where you live.

[Autumn]

I was talking to one of the girls at work a couple of days ago, who told me some stories from her department. We're moderately sectioned off so the people upstairs don't know the people downstairs, or sometimes even across the floor. My job involves a LOT of downtime so I've gotten to know quite a few people over the years.

She was telling me how a few of the employees upstairs had just randomly asked about where "that guy from <my department>" had  gone. And how there have been several customers who said glowing things about the old me; lamented that I'd disappeared. A few customers have asked if I'm his sister (one directly asked me.)

Had one of my customers from 6 months prior call in with a warranty issue and asked if I were my old name because he recognized my voice. I told him that no, I'm Girlname. And that was that.

If I'm still here for the holiday season, I hope to not have face to face run-ins. I actually sold a rather expensive item to someone last christmas who had come in the previous christmas... I told him that he absolutely couldn't install it where he wanted to, so he used the year to build an extra room and came back to buy it. By random-ass luck, I was there when he came in. *boggle*



One guy recognized me when I went back to school, when I was first going FT at school... I was wearing a t-shirt and holding my books to my chest. The next day he saw me in a cami, and saw my boobs. His eyes leaped out of his head and he never talked to me again. I like to believe that he thinks he mistook a random girl for the guy he used to know, because I was just neutrally friendly to him, not familiar. :V

I run in the same friend circle that I have for a few years now... if it weren't for these friends, my early transition days would have been very hard. But it is very hard moving forward around them. I was discussing marriage with a stranger who'd just met my girlfriend, in front of a friend of mine, and dropped a line "not like we can get married anyway." My friend helpfully offers up, "Not so, it depends on your status." And then her eyes bulged out and she covered her mouth. Luckily the music was loud as hell and the girl didn't catch anything. At a party a couple of weeks ago, another friend made a couple of trans comments accidentally. After what seemed like three obvious comments I got frustrated, angry, and outed myself to the new guy there, who apparently had no idea and hadn't caught her mistakes.

That was funny as hell in retrospect, but frustrating... a case where 'standing up for oneself' backfired. Though the party's theme was 'share stories of change'....

Sometimes I get depressed about various things and feel like I've got to move away, get out of here, and leave it behind... since my work/living arrangements prevent me from spending much time with my friends, anyway

[aubrey]

Yeah there was this really cute guy from HS that I didn't ever talk to much and saw recently (FOAF) and there was no way I was gonna tell him lol. He still gave me butterflies why ruin it.

[milktea]

well my experience is a lil different. i'm really close with my grandma and ever since my grandpa's death she's been by herself though visited almost daily by my aunts. my parents have agreed that i will not see my aunts in the foreseeable future to save the embarassment, and we also agreed that my grandma is too old to take the blow. but early spring this year i couldn't help missing my grandma and took a chance to visit her.
it was a risky, but considering that her eyes are not that good and i was in layers of winterwear i thought it won't be a no-chancer. so i popped my hair in a cap and off i went to visit her with my mom
the result? i almost blew it when i was reaching out for something by the window, and she made a sudden comment that i have really feminine figures, which i quickly brushed off by going into some other topics...if she did suspect anything she has definitely kept things to herself...