Feeling very blue today

[Melody Maia]

I just didn't want to get out if bed this morning. The full weight of transitioning just sat on me and squashed my self-esteem like a bug. I am so far away from where I want to be. Weight, hair, clothes, makeup, voice, walk, behavior are part of the long road I have to travel and I have barely taken the first step. Hormones won't be part of the equation until October. I hope I find some relief then. The waiting is killing me.

Thanks for letting me vent. Today has been rough with several emotional breakdowns for me.

[alexia elliot]

Hi Melody, I don't know if this helps but I feel the same. Although I have been on HRT for over a year, what I want to accomplish is so far away in a distance that I am not sure I have enough strength and time left.  guess you can say I am truly hormonal today . Oh well there is a comfort in company so I do hope tomorrow will be better for us, Love, Alexia.

[Nero]

I felt the same once. Thing is once transition gets going, it picks up speed and everything's over before you know it. It just starts out slow and painful. Sort of like getting into a pool of cold water. When you first put your feet in, you go very slow and you don't know how you'll be able to stand it. Once you're all the way in though, you adjust, and the water's warm.

Just pick something and start. What do you want to have happen with your hair, voice, walk, etc? What's the weight thing about?

[Jillieann Rose]

Yes I often feel like it so ... far away that I will never make it.
Some how the day goes by. And the next and the next.
Then I  notice something has changed and I am more of a girl and I feel better.
I hope you do.
Jillieann

[Nicky]

Hugs!

The wait is the worst bit. Any progress is good progress.

I think you are beautiful Melody. All women are beautiful.

Take care

Nicole 

[Colleen Ireland]

@Melody:  {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}

Yes, the waiting, and trying to figure out how to get started.  I just became self-aware a couple of months ago, and given my situation (married, 3 kids, everyone still at home), it seemed hopeless at first.  But... baby steps.  Already I've surprised myself by beginning to buy some clothes, and as I'm on vacation week after next... SHOPPING!!!  And I've decided I'm going to start shaving certain things, slowly at first.  I'm trying to be respectful of my wife's feelings, while still doing some things for myself.  I'm actually amazed at how far I've come in such a short time.  I start seeing a therapist week after next, so that should help, too.  But, yeah.  Some days are better than others.  Some days are downright painful.  Even being busy doesn't always help.  Sometimes I sit at work and play computer solitaire all day.  Literally.  I'm just too sad to work sometimes.

But keep your chin up, girl.  You're doing fine, and things will get better.  I just look at all the girls here for inspiration, they're truly wonderful!

[Melody Maia]

Thanks to all of you, especially Nicole. No one has ever told me that I am beautiful. Perhaps this beauty is buried under boy and fat (the weight thing), but I will get there. I quit the lifelong habit of biting my nails and they are much nicer and longer. Not quite too long for a man yet, but closer. My voice is naturally higher pitched, but I have found that makes things tougher. I sound too much like me to judge whether it is womanly. Hair is growing, but still in early stages. Have worked on the walk and doing pretty well there. Won't buy any clothes until I've dropped enough weight. Makeup is unexplored and probably next up. Laser facial hair treatment next week. Shaved off body hair and trimmed eyebrows. Out of everything, the eyebrows made the most difference. My features have been described as soft, but I really noticed it after getting the brows waxed. Once they are trimmed to a female look and I have long hair, I think I should be passable

Things are moving, but so slow. I feel like I am in the waiting room looking to start the rest of my life and the doctors control everything. It will happen. I am in this for the long haul.

[Jillieann Rose]

Thats the spirit Melody.
One step at a time will get you there.
And look at how far you came all ready.
Way to go girl.
Jillieann

[Melody Maia]

Colleen, I am right there with you on the too sad to work.  Luckily my wife makes the living, but I also have my own business. To say that I have been uninspired would be an understatement. Just be careful others don't take notice. It is a bad time to be out of work and it might make the wife resentful. Good on you girl though about the clothes and shaving. I know this is a big step for you.

[Colleen Ireland]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Melody, but seriously, you just take care of yourself, dear, I'll be fine.  Luckily, I'm a senior IT goddess of long tenure, and even with my moodiness of late, I'm still far more productive than most of the others in my dept.  And my monitor faces an outer window, so nobody can sneak up on me.

Still... I'm not being all that bold with the shaving.  Back, shoulders, maybe upper arms, nothing more adventurous than that, I'm afraid, at least until long-sleeve and long-pants weather.  Stuff I can easily defend.  I would just LOVE to shave everything, but... not yet.  My kids still don't know anything about this, and I'm afraid of telling them, but of course that bridge will have to be crossed also, and probably fairly soon...

[bibilinda]

Just a couple of thoughts:

Like somebody said before "some days are better than others"

And, mainly:

MOST OF US transitioning feel EXACTLY THE WAY YOU DO , on any given phase and on any given day. I think those girls here that say "I'm completely happy, I'm exactly where I wanted to be, I'm 100% woman now, etc.etc." are a minority of the MTF whole transitioning population, I'd dare say 5% or less. And those girls whose pic you see and they LOOK EVEN BETTER THAN MOST GGs (more feminine and cuter), are FOR SURE even a smaller minority, but curiously, it seems they are the ones that appear more frequently on postings here and on other TG-related sites. Why? I guess maybe because THEY DID IT, they finally got to the end of the line, and now they feel so happy and good by themselves, that they are always in the mood to share their experience, give their advice/opinion etc. etc. because for them, their own life and experience IS NOW a happy one!

Transition is very difficult. I'm yet to hear a gurl saying "things were soo easy for me to become a full trans-woman, from the beginning". Not even the ones who started at the "right age" (12-14 years old, beginning puberty) can say they had it easy, EVEN IF THEY HAD THEIR FAMILY SUPPORT.

Most of us don't have our family's backing (in my case, they don't even know, my parents would disown me and my bros and sisters disdain me), and, in my specific case, aside from the things you mention, I also have another problem: I have to shave off my hair, so I have to wear a wig all the time, as a boy or as a girl. And so far, i'm the only one here I've known to do that!

So, try and cheer up girl, you're not alone, when I feel like you do (depressed, every day I feel somewhat like that, simply because I'm not a woman), I start exercising my lower body: butt, hips, legs... It surely distracts me and makes me feel feminine, specially if I paint my lips very sexy and wear a cute outfit to exercise...

It took me forever to begin HRT, thought that was gonna be the "panacea" and I'd feel calm and quiet, NO WAY!!! I feel much better than before HRT, SIMPLY BECAUSE AT LEAST I'M TRYING! But it's a long, hard road, and it's a road that is traveled alone, in the end it is no one but you who decides to be  strong and realize your dreams no matter what...

Be strong and start taking steps on the things you can do now! (Like losing weight if that's the case, learning to apply makeup, which makes A WORLD of difference, learning to pick the clothes that favor you, etc. etc...

Take care!

Kisses

Bibi

I just didn't want to get out if bed this morning. The full weight of transitioning just sat on me and squashed my self-esteem like a bug. I am so far away from where I want to be. Weight, hair, clothes, makeup, voice, walk, behavior are part of the long road I have to travel and I have barely taken the first step. Hormones won't be part of the equation until October. I hope I find some relief then. The waiting is killing me.

Thanks for letting me vent. Today has been rough with several emotional breakdowns for me.

[Melody Maia]

Thanks BiBi. I'm feeling better since I posted this, but other challenges are cropping up. My wife has moved into the anger phase. She is mostly supportive, but every once in awhile she uses words like bitter, betrayed and played for a sucker. I love her, but it is hard to accept that something that will make me happy is (and will continue) causing her so much pain. I can't blame her for feeling this way, but I honestly don't know how much I can take.

I had my first laser treatment on my beard yesterday and today I threw out almost all my boy underwear in favor of ladies. Shaped and painted my nails with a clear, but a little shiny, nail polish. Therapist told me this week that I seem a lot more feminine now. Got mam'ed at the bank before a quickly offered sir even though I am in full boy mode. Things must be leaking out somehow. So, I am doing what I can, but yes, this is easily the most difficult thing I have ever done.

[lilacwoman]

Hi Melody
you are not the only one who has blue days.
yesterday I called the surgeons' secretary to ask if she has got funding through from my local health board, got her answering machine and left message but no reply.
Then I called the local health person, got the answering machine...

so I ended the day really upset.

[Nigella]

Hi Melody,

At the beginning of transition things seem to go very, very slow, almost in slow motion but as its already been said it does speed up. Everyone has good and bad days during this period. At the end of my transition it speed up so much I didn't even have time to sort my garden out before my op, lol Which I so wanted/needed to do. Now I'm looking at it, I have the time off work and can't do a dammed thing to it, lol. Such is life, lol. I will be able one day.

I had to do two years RLT here in the UK to get funding not the one that most have to do and its taken me just over three years since my initial visit to the GID clinic and that first appointment. added to that decades of time, I'm 51, lol. But yeah, its worth the wait so hang in there and take hold of the positives like you have mentioned.

Stardust

[Cindy]

Hi Melody,

As everyone has said there are good and bad days and family circumstances really are hard to deal with.  I was very depressed and went onto medication which helped a heap. I'm now almost completely off it (the dose has to be reduced slowly), I started to feel really happy several weeks ago. Going out as me, going to restaurants as me, and normal everyday places not 'GLBT friendly' places. Again as others have said it is a slow process in every department. I live as me PT, I have had little development from HRT, but I'm not worried about that either.

Take care doll and try to see the good sides.

Hugs

Cindy

[ggina]

You feelin' blue???

Just wait until you're on the juice and you have to stop taking E before a surgery (if you'll have any). Being on T-blockers alone can cause some weird things with the mood. I had to stop a few days ago and mostly feel like sh.t since then And this is a month of pause before and a month after the surgery and the latter part also includes the after-effects of anasthetics as well which are not known to cause happy moments either Awww, I can't wait to heal and continue the stuff because this is something I wouldn't recommend even to my enemies

Anyway, heads up, Mel! Time will prove you're stronger than you think. As goes the saying. And Bibi's right too: exercise makes you feel better, you just have to start it because it won't come to you by itself

g

[Melody Maia]

You feelin' blue???

Just wait until you're on the juice and you have to stop taking E before a surgery (if you'll have any). Being on T-blockers alone can cause some weird things with the mood. I had to stop a few days ago and mostly feel like sh.t since then And this is a month of pause before and a month after the surgery and the latter part also includes the after-effects of anasthetics as well which are not known to cause happy moments either Awww, I can't wait to heal and continue the stuff because this is something I wouldn't recommend even to my enemies

Anyway, heads up, Mel! Time will prove you're stronger than you think. As goes the saying. And Bibi's right too: exercise makes you feel better, you just have to start it because it won't come to you by itself

g

I'm running three miles a day and will soon increase that. Lost about 10lbs already. I can't wait until I am a month away from surgery!

[Jamiee]

I just didn't want to get out if bed this morning. The full weight of transitioning just sat on me and squashed my self-esteem like a bug. I am so far away from where I want to be. Weight, hair, clothes, makeup, voice, walk, behavior are part of the long road I have to travel and I have barely taken the first step. Hormones won't be part of the equation until October. I hope I find some relief then. The waiting is killing me.

Thanks for letting me vent. Today has been rough with several emotional breakdowns for me.

I know exactly what you are going through Melody. Not because I've been there, but because I am there right now. I read your post and it felt so much like reading my own. I haven't received any sort of date on my hormones yet, but I have had a psychological assessment. The psychologist diagnosed everything I already knew, I have GID and Dysthymia from early childhood. I've been keeping my head recently though mainly because I can a glimmer at the end of a very long and all-consuming dark tunnel.

What helps for myself, which I don't know if it will for you, is keeping myself occupied enough that I won't really think about it that much other than holing on to the knowledge that I am finally making some progress toward either freeing myself from the hell of living this way or at least making it a little less unbearable. Basically I just keep thinking of how nice it will feel at the end. Focus ahead and not where I am now.

So, my advice, for whatever it's worth, is do whatever it is that person you want to be or that part of yourself you want to let out, and do it enough to where it will carry you through the bad times and keep your mind on the goal and how fulfilling it will be. Do NOT ever think of how long it take to get there.

Also, if you have any family and/or friends, get used to the idea of letting them go. I'm not saying do it, but get used to the idea of letting them go so that if it does happen, it won't crush you when or if it does happen.

Anyway, take whatever you can out of that advice and I hope it helps. I've already vented recently, so I won't mope to all of you.

[ggina]

I'm running three miles a day and will soon increase that. Lost about 10lbs already.

Hey, congrats! That's a lot more than I do, I only go out 2-3 times a week... Altough then I do longer sessions (2-4 hours of cycling) I just don't like to get sweaty every day

g

[Jamiee]

I don't like to get sweaty at all, but that's one of life's many inconveniences. Three miles a day though... that's a lot. Oh, and you're going to increase it soon.

You have oodles of willpower over me. I don't think I could ever get myself to maintain that kind of regimen. But you've already lost 10 lbs! Keep at it. You're doing fabulous!