This is my first post here so hello to all.
Lately I was thinking about changes of personality. Not specifically caused by hormones but more like letting your true self come to the surface. Please allow me to put out some of those thoughts here.
I remember just a few years back, when I got around some company I usually was the one who told others "how things are". I was the most clever person I ever knew and never forgot to bring attention to it, a real ENTP. But in recent years, as I dug deep into my psyche and tried to find out what to do with my life (among other things, to change my sex or not to) I started to lose this control I had. I started to become more intuitive. I mean, I had so much knowledge before and it seems like it had just evaporated and replaced by something more improvisative, thinking and acting directly on the situation. It seems I'm much more flexible in my actions and views. But this began long before hormones so it's something else entirely.
Before, when I was trying to maintain an image of a Man, I always had the Rules about how things should work. But it somehow became just tiring. Slowly I realized that there should be no rules about anything. This was partly the inspiration for me to start hormones a few months ago: nobody should tell me who I should be and what should I be like. The real manly approach is to create the rules for others and the feminine approach would be to accept those rules as they are. But instead I created my own world with my own set of rules - which only say that there are no rules at all and if there are, they're only for me and I won't be trying to force them onto others.
This is very hard to do and sometimes creates interesting situations. For example, the field where I work (computer engeneering) is usually filled with very-very clever people and there are more rules here than maybe anywhere else. In an enrvironment like this, it takes courage to trust my intuition more than my knowledge but I like it very much
Lately I realized that trusting your intuition is soo femimine, altough in my field the GGs are more manly in this aspect than I am. To be honest I feel a bit lost among my co-workers because I'm not a geek anymore, there are times when I feel so dumb compared to them - and altough it's not true but the surface is all that counts. Sure it's a strange place to be but we're used to feeling strange, aren't we?
Maybe I became some kind of a rebel. Think I should be a lead singer of a punk rock band. Too bad I'm too old for that (mid thirties). And besides, I'm not angry at all. I laugh more and I do it when feel like it and cry more, when feel like it - I just don't care what others think about it. And it's like I'm wiser because I'm able to do all this. So many people behave according to the norms and live their whole lives like that and this prevents them from become wise. I think among T-people there are a lot more wise ones because we were forced to see our lives from the outside for so long.
So I was just wondering if any of you have experienced something like this. That you felt repressed for so long that now you feel you just have to tell everybody to f.k off, saying "now it's my turn!"
Cheers,
gina
