Looking back, I realize how hard I worked to be accepted. I suppose many kids did the same thing. Some got the hang of it, some didn't. I became very good at it.
I entered kindergarten in 1956 and graduated high school in 1969, not a good time to entertain thoughts about coming out. (I didn't even know what coming out was!) Gradually along the way I got the cues from kids around me what was and what wasn't acceptable behavior. And I also learned what the consequences were for not conforming to the acceptable norm. During those years I never uttered a word to anyone about the feelings I had inside. I knew the consequences would be severe. And it wasn't until I was a sophomore in high school that I first read or heard anything about other people like me. According to the information in the article, I was one-in-a-million. Finding someone like me was almost impossible.
Intense fear kept me in line. Few things scared me more than family and friends finding out I secretly wished I was a girl. But that thought consumed me. While my teacher may have thought I was taking notes I was writing acronyms and codes in my notebook about my one wish - IWIWAG - I wish I was a girl. I must have written that thousands of times. Practically all my quiet time, all my alone time, I was totally absorbed in this dream.
But once thrown back out into the world, I put on the face and did my best. Over the years I became so good at it I actually became somewhat popular. And by then I had convinced myself I could live the rest of my life carrying my secret to the grave.
