Hi all - Just out of hospital and feeling blue

[UKBen]

Hi everyone,

I only stumbled across this forum today and thought I'd post something as I am feeling pretty desperate right now.  I'm Ben and I live in England/UK.  I identify as FtM and Have been on T since July.  Due to a medical problem I had to have a complete hystorectomy with very little warning.  Great I thought - although free here in the UK I would probably have had to wait a couple of years and it would have been after top surgery. 
So anyway I should probably put here that I have bipolar dissorder and anxiety issues and HATE hospitals.  Somehow I made it through the op.  Unfortunately I had some complications with excess bleeding, prompting a second op later the same day.  the next day my bowls bloated so much a further proceedure was carried out under sedation.  So this was wednesday of last week and I got out sunday.   The wound seems to be heeling very well but my mood is auwfull.  I feel utterly suicidal, very anxious plus I can't sleep or eat properly and I am sitting here thing 'oh my God what have I done?'.  I am trying to tell myself it's the drugs I have missed taking, the anesthetics, the experience and the onset of 'medical menopause.

I am really sorry to type all this in intros and feel free to delete or move it...I am just a bit lost.

Take care anyway,

Benx

[Nero]

Hi Ben.

I don't know if this helps or not, but when I was recovering from top surgery, I sunk into a deep depression due to the effects of the anesthesia and such. Hang in there and welcome to the forum!

[Lachlann]

Welcome Ben!

Take care of yourself! It's very normal to feel very horrid when you miss medication and whatnot, especially if it's not a gradual release. I get the same way when I miss pills, it's not fun.

Good to have you here.

[JennaLee]

Benx

Interesting name, could be read a number of ways I suppose.

I'm MTF and living in the US but still wanted to lend support.  The thing about life is that you never know what's around the corner or what you might miss.  "Life is like a box of chocolates",  according to Mrs. Gump.

I always like to have a plan for the future in the works.  Rather than thinking about what's wrong, I try to think about how to get to where I want to be.  Doesn't have to be a major goal.

cheers!!!
jacy

[Automixes]

Hey Benx.

I am so sorry to hear about all of the medical issues. You're probably right that the lack of hormones right now is a huge factor in how you're feeling, but any sort of major surgery--and you had to have three procedures because of the complications!--can leave someone feeling depressed. That isn't weird or a sign that's something wrong. It's just a hard place to be. You're going through a lot right now.

I hope you recover soon.

[Janet_Girl]

Any time someone has a surprise surgery, they tend to get more depressed.  You did not have time to process the ramifications of said surgery.  It isn't like you really had a choice in the matter.

Your mood should lift as you process that it was an emergency type of surgery, out of your control.  But on a bright note, "T" has free reign now.  Changes should begin to happen quicker now.

I went through some surgery a while back and I went through the same bloating.  It took about a week to pass and everyday was miserable.  It will pass and your mood will lift.  Have faith that it does get better.


Hugs Dear Brother,
Janet

[UKBen]

Hi there,

I just wanted to post to thank everyone so much for all their comments and to say how much it means to me that you all should take the time to respond.

I'm trying to keep my head down and go easy on myself and see this for what it is - a transient situation which will improve in time.

Thanks again.

Ben

[Cruelladeville]

Hello Ben....

Post surgery is when we are all most vulnerable.... as we are all dealing wit the unknown (how well or not the healing process is going).... a cocktail of drugs to keep monitoring and accurately taking as the hours drag by....

And if you're on yer own... then depressed you can be....

But do follow to the letter the Dr's orders and after care instructions.... and try to keep eating the best meals you can...

I ventured out for my first walk in the kooler AZ air (38c) and walked a mile or so... very slowly penguin style waddle...

But my swelling shows better resolve this morning so I will do more tonight.... and I'm pushing the time betwixt pain meds to wean myself off them...

Also keep yourself ruthless clean, I douche myself externally with a special squeeze bottle to get the yuck off pre nightly bacitracin...

Finally quality sleep is key, so every other night I'm downing a Lorazepam, but they knock me side ways for half-a-day.... so only do them on alternate nights....but boy are they affective in gaining you healing sleep...

Keep strong mate....keep focused and you'll make it trough... as the vast majority of us do...

[Lacey Lynne]

Ben:

Everybody here gave you great advice, especially Cruella.

I've been in the medical field for a long time (medical transcription and now quality control of the same), and I've typed and reviewed thousands of hysterectomy surgeries and followup reports over the years.  My point?

What you are experiencing happens to some women.  Surgical menopause?  YES!  Very real phenomenon.  My wife experienced it bigtime years ago.  Major bummer for her.  Hey, a short while back, I "hit the wall" on my own HRT and stopped estrogen cold for about a week.  I had night sweats, hot flashes, couldn't sleep.  Yes, you are facing surgical menopause ... and everything else the people above mentioned. 

The good news is that you WILL pull through it all!  Just take it one day at a time!  It really will get better for you, so just hang in there!   

[Cindy]

Hi Ben

It's pretty normal to feel bad after surgery. You have been pumped full of muscle relaxants, anesthetics, recovery druga and pain killers. On top of that you have had surgery, and guess what? The body and brain don't like surgery.

BUT, the good news, you will get better. You have found Susan's. You have found a whole heap of new friends, who care about you .  As the posts show.

Take care, always look on the bright side of life (de dum de dum).

And get well soon

Love and Hugs

Cindy