I hope you don't mind me sounding off here - I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence.
I'm doing my best to keep my transition under control. So far it's worked very well, and I'm having wonderful times with it. Friends have been really supportive. I feel good about my progress as I draw closer to my first GIC appointment, and I'm managing to engage with the world as my newly-realised self. I don't always pass, but many people seem not to notice or care, so I haven't had cause to be unusually scared of the wider world.
My problem comes from the part-time/full-time balance. I've ordered a deed poll but have been pretty lax in actually showing it, despite wanting to avoid embarrassment when using bank cards or applying for work. I need to work, and to be employed as a woman would be a real boon, both to my confidence and the medical side of my transition - namely, seeking approval for HRT. I feel like I'm stuck in a chicken-and-egg loop though, since I often struggle to keep my appearance up.
When I've been called out to social gatherings for a few days 'on the trot', I quickly discover how physically draining it is to shave my face, chest and arms, just to give the basic illusion of femininity. I'm not too bothered around the house - I'll happily wear a loose blouse with chest stubble - but I cannot get away with that outside. This has me deeply scared about the prospect of working as a woman. I've absolutely no wish to work directly with the public, but I want to maintain myself for co-workers and my own dignity. Yet I feel I'm running up a downwards escalator, perhaps trying to do too much for my body to cope with.
I'm keen to 'full time' as soon as I can, as I'm much more comfortable with 'all in' than a hopping between genders. I've been out to see films as a girl and visited offices the next day as a boy, and those boy-trips saddened me deeply. But I feel like I'm being held back since the more I try, the more my masculine body seems to creep back and paint me as trans rather than as woman. I apologise if I sound obsessed about body hair - it just seems to be my biggest giveaway, and I'm sick of having to treat razor 'nicks' or hide the rashes as I keep up a horrible grooming routine.
Has anyone else been in this situation, of trying to 'full time' pre-everything?