You'd be better off seeing a pyschologist or a counsellor before even thinking of starting hrt, clairezoezy... it doesn't sound as if you know what the ramifications are of hrt. If we're all honest with ourselves, we all want to be pretty. But what would happen if you find that you have been on hrt for 3 years, have had FFS, and still look... well... unattractive as a woman? Would you go back to living as a guy? Would you continue as a woman? Or would you give up on life? You may very easily become an emotional wreck if your expectations aren't met, and you have copious amounts of estrogen and progesterone running through your body giving you PMS symptoms.
The thing is, it's not the fact that you want to be pretty that I have trouble with, it's the fact that it all sounds like one great big fantasy to you. You say you want to flirt with men and break their heart, even though you don't like men, and don't want to be with them... this is just pure self-indulgence; you do realize men are human too, right? I would even go so far as to suggest that you might very well be attracted to men, but don't want to admit it to yourself, and that by becoming female it can give you license in your own mind to be with a man... I'm probably wrong though.
What also bothers me is how you say that you will never 'cut off your penis'. That implies that you really still want to use it for penetration... well - it is very likely that hormones will render you non-functional, and will certainly make you sterile. I don't know whether the fact that you want to keep your penis makes you a woman inside or not - I'm not going to go into that argument. In my mind, a woman doesn't have a penis, and if she did indeed have one, then she either doesn't really care about its presence, or doesn't want it there at all. Again, that's just my personal opinion.
I don't know about Indonesia, but I believe in Iran changing sex is viewed by Islamic leadership as a human right. That is to say, a post-op transsexual is viewed both by the law and by the church as their target gender. I don't know about Indonesia where you live - I just made the connection because both are Muslim countries.
Just to reiterate, going to see a mental health professional would be the first important step. If you do decide to go down the path of self-medication, I think starting with anti-androgens such as spironolactone or androcur for a few months to block the testosterone will allow you to gauge how you feel about not having as much testosterone in your system. You won't get as many feminizing effects as estrogen, but you will experience the loss of sex-drive, reduced ability to achieve erections, and you may experience some mild breast growth. You will also be halting the effects of testosterone, giving you more time to make a decision without the constant spectre of male physical changes looming in your mind. After a few months on anti-androgens you will then be in a better position to determine whether you want to progress to full hrt with estrogen.
If you do decide to progress to full hrt then you will need to take the hormones until you die. Fortunately, there are options that don't necessitate taking pills every day, or weekly injections. I use estrogen implants, and they last for 6 months. They are really good. No pills, no needles, no trouble. What a snappy ad huh?!
