Being called by your old name

[Fencesitter]

Well I've been on testosterone for 2 years now (plus 1 year off but still passing, as I write in my capture). And I still experience the occasional slips of the tongues by some of my old friends and my family. People who have known me for decades before, and my new name being known for them for only 3 years or so. It happened to me again tonight, by an old friend calling (friendship of almost 20 years) calling me up on the phone and she went like "Hi (old name), nice to get you on the phone. How are you doing etc..." And she knows that I'm transitioning, with every funny and ugly single detail etc. as we talked a lot about it.

I don't take it personally unless it's made on purpose, it's just difficult for them to switch from their memories and decades-long habitudes to the present time... Sometimes I correct them, sometimes not.

My parents have switched to the neutral nicknames from my childhood as they don't want to hurt me by accident and have asked me if this was okay for me, as it was childrens' nicknames for kids, not for adults and they don't want to treat me like a kid. It's okay for me if it makes all easier for them and they don't actually treat me as a kid, I told them. They said, they don't want to hurt me but have hell of a trouble getting used to the new name and pronouns, though they like my new name and think it suits me well. And I told them over and over again that I can understand if they have an old name and pronoun slip, as all of that is me in some way, new and old name, but always referring to me. And I said I prefer my new name and pronouns though and they are no pain for me as well, other than the old ones. Plus it does not out me in front of other people. However, I would not take slips of the tongue personally.

I know that a lot of transsexual people freak out when being addressed by the old name by long-term friends and family. But I think much of it is just habitude and very very difficult to get rid of, especially if you have used the name for decades, and memories of you in the old mode play into it.

Well my friend on the phone went like - your voice got even deeper, wow! And I was like - last time we phoned was 2 months ago (very long time for us, and it ended in a bad dispute), so I did not change much in the meantime. And said to her, you just addressed me as (old name) when you greeted me, however. And she just went in a cool way, oops I did? Well then she went on like her voice had dropped of one octave in the last couple of years (which is true, she had a glass-breaking voice before and now has a nice alto) and I told her to get that checked up just in case...might be a cyst on her vocal cords or whatever. And honestly, we had such a good and long conversation, I would not like her to feel too bad about calling me
spontaneously with my old name when we greeted.

Plus I had to change my name again one year after beginning transition, for juristic reasons. I was stuck between three countries, each of them could be responsible in my case, or not. It was not clear. And so I had to switch from a male to a neutral name (which was much better accepted by my friends and they said it suited me better). But this did not simplify matters either. And even many of my transsexual friends had a hard time adapting to this change, which made them somewhat more relaxed to their families' and friends' slips of the tongue. Meanwhile, I'm very happy with the new name, it just suits me better and has very positive connotations.

My mom, a few weeks ago, outed me in front of my landlord and I went like - Oh. My. God. But she is the kind of person to first speak and then think. She winked at him and went like: "Hello, I'm ... and this here (points at me) is my daughter.... er my son." Then she looked at me with a kind of worried "excuse me" look and I went like



My old name was how she knew me for decades. And how my parents knew me for decades. And I understand it's difficult for them to switch to a new name and I don't want to cause bad conscience for them when it does not work 100% of the time. But it's still a pain when they get it wrong.

I don't know if I'm being too soft to other people here or just realistic.

Anyone else felt like this?
What is your opinion on family and old-time friends calling you by your old name?
And do you have any good solutions for my long-term friends and family how to manage the change?
And how I should react? Cause my family and many of my friends are very impulsive, accept me etc. but have trouble switching their old habits? And I don't want to hurt them or to cause unnecessary hassle and appreciate their approach, but would love it if they got it right better? I mean I have a beard now etc...

[K8]

My friends and family do pretty well but slip on occasion.  I've had really supportive people after months of using the right name slip and use the old one.  Usually you just have to give them credit for effort.

I've found he/she to be more deeply embedded.  Again, they're usually pretty good but do slip once in a while.  If they use the wrong name, they usually realize it, but if they use "he" inadvertently they may not even realize it and will deny it if I point it out.

Be patient with those who love you.

- Kate

[sneakersjay]

Depends on the situation.

Accidental slip ups, okay, but I'll call you on it if you keep it up.  If they self-correct, no problem.

And, I'm sure your landlord thought your mother was a bit dotty...


Jay

[Fencesitter]

My friends and family do pretty well but slip on occasion.  I've had really supportive people after months of using the right name slip and use the old one.  Usually you just have to give them credit for effort.

I've found he/she to be more deeply embedded.  Again, they're usually pretty good but do slip once in a while.  If they use the wrong name, they usually realize it, but if they use "he" inadvertently they may not even realize it and will deny it if I point it out.

Be patient with those who love you.

- Kate

I think you are right here, and your words are very wise. I have highlighted your most important sentence, as that is what counts. And I give people credits for effort, I just wonder why it takes years, not just months for them to switch. But it seems to depend a lot on how long they knew me before transition.

Let me add, I mostly speak in French with my parents, which is more strongly gendered than English language. Which is even more difficult to deal with in circumstances such as those of my parents with their trans kid. Even "Be patient" is gendered here (male or female form of "patient"). Which by the way, as any other Roman language (Italian, Spanish etc.) causes the typical transsexual/transgendered slips of the tongue which are a good give-away for people who know about this... and sometimes others as well.

Gosh, I even got outed by my French teacher in front of my class at age 15 because of this. He just asked me in front of my class: "Do you feel like you're a boy?" when he returned a test, and I got a red face at that.

As I usually got everything right as I'm a native speaker and was even better at grammar and spelling than my teacher, including getting the gendered grammar stuff for other people right - accurately. Learning French together with the Germans was boring for me so I always concentrated completely on spelling and grammar and really became a beast there. But there was one task in this one test where the pupils had to fill out blanks in a way which suited their own gender and I messed it up completely and filled it out 100% right for a boy but completely wrong for a girl... Germans would not have gotten that kind of effect here and either made everything alright or made mistakes for the boy mode as well. Plus I was no German, but native speaker. Some of the errors could not be explained away with bad spelling and grammar, no matter how French you were.

We never had to complete a task like this before. And my teacher had become very aware of this irregularity in my case. A native speaker could not ever mess this up in the way I did unless they're transgendered (everything right, grammar, spelling... but getting the gender wrong 100%)...  well... it was kind of obvious. The only B mark I ever got in French (I always had an A mark there). Well I learned from it and since then always took extra time to kill the "gender errors concerning me" in tests once I had corrected the other errors,which was a pain but got me better grades.

My teacher asked me that question whether I felt like a boy and explained before why he had this suspicion: "You did this... you omitted that... you gave a 100% accurate result for a boy but horribly wrong for a girl, such as no native speaker would make in this combination". If you know how tricky French spelling is, you know what I mean. I went like "er...er...er..." and everyone in the class laughed out loud. And this phenomenon of the French language of course, does not make it easier for accepting parents to get over their slips of the tongue...

Years later, beginning 20ies, I learned Spanish, and my Spanish teacher (native speaker) noticed the same irregularities (similar to the French irregularities). She did not understand this, as I was a French native speaker and therefore supposed to get it right in Spanish too, as the traps were at the same places (or I would have chosen wrong solutions but have been aware of the traps). Germans used to mess this kind of stuff up when they were not good at speaking Spanish, but not French people. As I used the genders accurately in general, but not when it concerned me unless I concentrated really hard. She once asked me in front of the whole class what was going on there and why I almost always used the male form for me. And I told her in front of the whole class that I felt I'm a man etc. and therefore really need to concentrate on the female forms to use them for me. She got big eyes but it was okay for her. The other people in the class got big eyes as well but I didn't care. It was no mobbing ambience.

Another person in my class made the same kind of "mistakes" but did not out herself openly. Her (inofficially his) voice had even broken down to male from his home-made testosterone levels, he needed to shave etc. (The Spanish teacher asked him about his voice as well, and always corrected him with his transsexual slips of the tongue and this confused her - as his Spanish was perfect otherwise.) He had CAH. I talked to him once in a free hour cause I wanted to know how I could get a voice like his, and yes, he was kind of transsexual and kind of intersex as well.

[Fencesitter]

Depends on the situation.

Accidental slip ups, okay, but I'll call you on it if you keep it up.  If they self-correct, no problem.

And, I'm sure your landlord thought your mother was a bit dotty...


Jay

Not sure about it. I still have no official name change and had to present him my old papers for signing the contract, with a female picture on it -short female haircut and dark lipstick. And I just told him my old name does not fit as it's a female name and I was in a name change for that reason, this kind of confused him but he did not ask. But the landlord has known me from before transition... my best friends have been living here in this house as well for two years before me transitioning and he knows me by sight and saying hello and bye since then. So it might have been a give-away, I don't know. I only know that a couple of weeks ago, he asked my neighbours (best friends) if I was male or female, and they responded - male of course.

He's a nice and plain man from South Italy, very much into family, and with a heart of gold. Part of his house is shared with his family living upstairs etc., other part with queers such as me on the ground floor and the "lesbian couple" under the roof. Opposite of my entry door, I have to deal with Catholic Kitsch such as Da Vinci's Last Supper surrounded by real clams glued to it as a frame etc., but I kind of love that style.

Might be I'm just confusing for him, or he thinks I'm intersexed, or transsexual. I don't know. He probably thinks I'm FTM if he knows that this exists (but I doubt he does know about FTMs at all). I think he won't spread it in the small town here though as he is mostly into his family and other Italians and it's a sub culture of it's own, and his house is quite queer anyway, with the "lesbian couple" living above him (one of those is going to transition as well and he doesn't know yet...). I doubt it's in his interest to spread the word that his house is probably the queerest house of this small town. Or in the interest of his wife and kids. By the way, I love Italians.

[Fencesitter]

My parents do this to me and it PISSES ME OFF!   

Do they do it on purpose or as a slip of the tongue?

[Fencesitter]

They do it because they have called me by the old name for almost 50 years.
They know better but they make no legitimate effort to adjust or adapt.

That's nasty, at least they should try. I mean, my parents at least try to find an "escape" here by using neutral names they gave me as a kid, such as "poussin" (male word meaning chick but it is neutral, meaning poulty offspring, not gendered like the English term) etc. I'm not really happy with that solution, but if it works for them and helps them avoid to have slips of thetongue, it's okay for me. And, most important thing, I see them make an effort here. And we talked about this, they told me they are very afraid of making slips of the tongue as that might hurt me and therefore try out that "escape" as they feel okay with that. And that calling me with my new name was very difficult for them.

I'm very sorry your parents don't at least try to find a "neutral" solution.

[Bluetraveler]

Interesting, as I too speak a romance language, when I had doubts about my gender I constantly tried to take ridiculous and roundabout ways not to mention my gender or make it ambiguous, and kinda gradually swapped the female pronoun set for a neutral/male one in my head. It still happens sometimes but more out of sheer habit.

[JennX]

My old name was how she knew me for decades. And how my parents knew me for decades. And I understand it's difficult for them to switch to a new name and I don't want to cause bad conscience for them when it does not work 100% of the time. But it's still a pain when they get it wrong.

I don't know if I'm being too soft to other people here or just realistic.

Anyone else felt like this?

If I had a dollar for every time the same thing happened to me... I'd have enough saved for GRS by now. 

I've gotten somewhat used to it, but depending on the situation I'll still freak out. The only saving grace sometimes is if my mom refers to me as her son or given name in public to another person by accident, and that person looks around and says "son"? Where is he.