How to start the conversation

[Kairi]

Ok... I've been planning to tell a few people about my situation. My best friend is one of them whom I wish to tell.

I wanted to tell him when we met a few days ago, but he got a little drunk so I decided it wasn't the best time...  He asked, whilst he was sober, whether I intended to get a girlfriend. I replied there are some serious issues that I need to deal with first, and I wanted to talk to him about it, but since he had drank quite a bit, I'd save it for next time we see each other.

I saw him again today, but we didn't really have time to talk about anything. During our trip home on a crowded train, he mentioned if I intend to have a hair cut, which is now quite long... I replied not just yet, but there is a style I want. As I was finding a picture of it on my phone he said "I hope its not a girl", I paused and then showed it to him... its a female video game character. He asked "why a girl?" of which I replied more or less the same thing as I did last time "I have some issues which I want to sort out". He then proceeded to ask "Oh yeah, so what was the secret you wanted to tell me last time?" As a crowded train isn't the place to tell him, I just said next time.

How would I start the conversation when he asks me again next time? I think he might have suspicions that the topic I want to discuss about is the fact that I am transgendered, due to the way he asked things today... I have hinted a few things in the past and even made jokes about how I should perhaps consider a sex change.

So yeah... any pointers on how to phrase the conversation? Any help will be appreciated

[lilacwoman]

'I'm seriously considering changing sex cos I don't feel like a proper guy like you' would state your case and make him think and put 2 and 2 together about the hints you've been dropping.

[spacial]

The direct approach may work for you.

Alternatively, you could try the indirect approach. Show him the female character again and say, I have this character because this is who I am inside.

[kyril]

I've found that coming out in writing is the easiest. A physical letter, an email, Facebook message, even a text if you can compress it enough.

The nice thing about writing it down is you can just say everything you want to say in your own time, privately, to your computer or a piece of paper. You can check it to make sure it sounds the way you want it to sound. And then you only have to make the decision to send it once - you only need one moment of bravery. It takes a lot more to talk about it in person or on the phone - so many opportunities to chicken out, so many opportunities to be interrupted or have words put in your mouth, so much demand that you think on your feet and keep your courage up.

If you do decide to come out in person or on the phone, try writing it down first anyway. It helps organize your thoughts - you can figure out what order of presentation works best and what terms and ways of phrasing things you prefer.

[JasminB]

I like the drop a million little hints to the point where there basically waiting for you to say it, open a bottle of wine, drink & share.

Perhaps alcohol isnt a brave choice but I know my friends are going to appreciate a drink when I tell them

Parents are another story though...my plan so far has been telling them im in therapy for sexual identity issues & told them I would like to specialize in GID when I finish my psychology degree. A long with all the little physical things of having long hair, bit of makeup, girls jeans etc.  I suppose its a tad easier with them knowing im gay but only a tad...the world at least in these parts is accepting of gay men & t-guys but not t-girls unfortunately

[Britney♥Bieber]

I like to start by asking if they know what transgender is, either that or you can just start with telling them how you feel about yourself, and then telling them you are going to or are transitioning.

[Hikari]

I feel you should probably be as direct as you can without getting a knee-jerk reaction. Since you know your friend only you would know how direct that is,  but I have found in the few people I have told, that they don't like my natural tendency to beat around the bush, but they also don't like having everything thrust on them at once. When people get pushed into a corner they tend to become defensive and not very nice. Given a lighter push however, it may be possible to show them your point of view.

Oh, and BTW nice avatar.

[K8]

I told each of my friends face-to-face when we were both relaxed.  We talked about this and that before I brought up what I wanted to say.  I started by saying that I had something I wanted to tell them about me - something that I had kept hidden for a long time: I am transgendered.  I would then continue and explain a little about it.

I think being direct is very good, but I didn't want to smack them in the face with it.  I approached it as a way of bringing us closer rather than pushing them away.  I wanted to ease them into the idea.  And by being relaxed and talking about it matter-of-factly, it becomes something that just 'is' rather than some BIG DEAL.  I also was very vague about where it all was going, would be non-committal about surgery, etc.

But each to their own.  I think it is good, Kairi, that you waited until your friend is sober.  Good luck!

- Kate

[JasminB]

Oooo I just woke up and remembered a tip for you my Psych told me; Approaching people(especially family) with the question "When you have time I would love 15mins for a chat if you can spare it to talk about something serious with me"

According to my Psych who tells all transitioners to start the parental talk like that because it gives them a sense of control over a situation they have no control over which makes it easyer to deal, albeit subconsciously.

[Astarielle]

A wise person once told me

You tell them "Hey, I want to talk.. You're the only one I can talk to about this."
The door is open now.
Whether you step through the door is the first challenge.
The second challenge? Tell them "I don't think I'm comfortable with... Who everyone sees me as." And you explain to them how you feel, and who you are on the inside.
Walla, door closes behind you.

[Kairi]

Thanks for all the wonderful suggestions everybody. I prefer to say things face to face with people especially with sensitive topics such as this, as doing it via other medium can cause uncertainties since I will not know how the other party will react and it will be awkward to see them next time. I once told a girl via msn that I had feelings for her... and it didn't turn out too great, after that incident, I tend not to discuss serious issues when not face to face.

The direct approach may work for you.

I am not sure if the direct method is 100% the way to go but he is very open on the topic of LGBT, so I guess I can sort of walk in without beating around the bush too much.

I feel you should probably be as direct as you can without getting a knee-jerk reaction. Since you know your friend only you would know how direct that is,  but I have found in the few people I have told, that they don't like my natural tendency to beat around the bush, but they also don't like having everything thrust on them at once.

Oh, and BTW nice avatar.

You have a good point there as when I think of that myself, I would prefer if people be direct about things rather than wasting time and build up the climax and then to chicken out at the end. I think it is important to get the balance right. Getting the news through too quick may give them the shock of their live and too slow, I might find myself chickening out.

Please to hear you liked my avatar Oh BTW Hikari, you used the wrong "wa" particle in your signature. When you say "I am" in Japanese, its は. So to correct it, it should be 私は女の子　です

Slightly off topic, but I've just had sudden some news which will most likely mess up with my coming out routine (though not with this friend, but rather, my family). I'll make another post later after I run an errand in town.

See you guy and girls later!

[Hikari]

Thank you, I didn't notice, I tend to that alot actually, I know I have to type 'ha' to get 'wa' as a particle, but I just don't think about it when I am typing, and unfortunately anthy (my Japanese input front end) doesn't spell check as your typing Japanese . I constantly type o instead of wo, as well, I really need to pay more attention...

But, I am a bit off topic now, Good luck with telling your friend.

[Kairi]

Thank you, I didn't notice, I tend to that alot actually, I know I have to type 'ha' to get 'wa' as a particle, but I just don't think about it when I am typing,

Thats tends to be the problem when relying on romaji too much, and the fact that we have to input it in order to generate the hiragana just doesn't really help.

Slightly off topic, but I've just had sudden some news which will most likely mess up with my coming out routine (though not with this friend, but rather, my family). I'll make another post later after I run an errand in town.

Made the post https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,83808.0.html

[Kairi]

Ok, well I think I did it.

I was with the friend sitting down at a restaurant to have dinner. I guess he must have known this was coming as he didn't seem surprised or shocked at all, due to the things I have hinted before. The conversation went like this (to the best of my memory)...

Friend: So what is thing you wanted to tell me?
Me: Have a guess
Friend: Are you gay?
Me: Not quite, but you are on the right track
Friend: You want a sex change?
Me: Well... I've always felt that I would be happier if I was born a girl
Friend: Oh, hmm are you are a ->-bleeped-<- or something?
Me: To be honest, I am not even sure myself, but I really feel that I should have been a girl...

I can't remember exactly what happened after that as I was still quite nervous, but I remember him asking me a few things about sexuality since I liked a few girls before, of which I explained that sexuality and gender identity are two different things. And as a joke, he tried to do a psychoanalysis on me, as he is studying to become a psychologist.

I think it went pretty well, though I don't know if he indeed took it seriously as the topic was never brought up again for the night.

[K8]

Good for you, Kairi.  It sounds like it went very well.  One thing to remember: Usually this is a much bigger deal to us than it is to our friends.  So he may not bring it up again, but you are now free to mention it or refer to it.  Go girl!

- Kate