The Desire to be Normal

[Natasha]

The Desire to be Normal

http://everquestingmind.wordpress.com/2010/09/10/the-desire-to-be-normal/
by lorelei
9/10/10

I guess in essence this is kinda what transition is all about. No one really grows up thinking "oh, maybe I'll change genders, just for a lark". 'We' have a deep-seated desire, nay, a knowledge even, that some variable in our minds and our preferred methods of social expression are hampered or even prohibited by the strictures of a biology-imposed behaviour system. This desire, or knowledge, will at some stage reach critical level, the point at which disparity between what the mind craves and what our bodies allow us to do in society is overwhelming.

And so we set out to achieve normality, or at the least, as close a resemblance to normality as might be achieved. The downside of this is, that it is all an utter illusion and totally unachievable.

[Tippe]

What a great essay!

"I think this is one of the biggest issues facing transpeople, the ability or inability to wholly accept oneself as a transsexual being, and equally as an 'aberrance' of nature."

Yup, the desire to be normal is intense. Since I started transition I've started to thrive a lot better than ever before, but do I honestly accept that what is right for me is so different from what everyone else told me was right for so long?

Now I was born blind, operated upon as a toddler and gained enough eyesight to function well in everyday life. For many years I so desired to be normal that I never told anybody why I didn't recognize their faces and greet my friends, when they greeted me. In stead of making me normal - by not telling them, that I had an impaired eyesight - it made me odd and caused me to become deeply isolated, because when I didn't speak to anyone no body wondered why I couldn't tell their names.
The same way I just said "yes, yes, I see", when people told me to watch birds, flowers, air planes etc. to avoid telling them that I was sorry I couldn't see them. I thought that I'd be normal if I just hid my differences.

Now one very important thing I learned at the GIC:
During psychological evaluation I went through intelligence testing and scored in the upper end of the highest range on several tests yet on this silly ink blot test, where you're supposed to describe visual associations I was rated as either severely immature or cognitively impaired.
Beforehand I'd been very critical about this test. "What relevance does ink blots have in my life?, eh" and the shrink just disregarded the test as useless too, because the results were so different from anything else we went through. But when we spoke about it later and I told her about how I was affected by my vision I discovered that this silly test was probably what changed my views the most in a full year of required sessions.

Because of my intelligence I was able to hide my visual needs during all school. Nobody questioned me since I was such a brilliant student. Yet hiding my needs I ended up loosing the ability to get the support and understanding I'd deserve and benefit from and severely hampering my social life. The same goes regarding my gender variance. Hiding away meant I lived a life as living dead without any freedom and without any friends. What transition does to me now is really awesome

Finally I've realized that normalcy may not even be the norm, LoL. Variation is huge in every aspects be it biology, psychology or gender roles. For instance I researched test results for the personality test I was subjected to, NEO-PI-R, and it turned out that even though there are mean-value differences between the scores of anatomically male and anatomically female persons the standard deviation within each sex is about four times as big. In numbers this translates into 93% of all persons falling within the area, where the two sex separated curves overlap. Even though society expects normal women to have a different personality from normal men this shows that only 7% of the people actually do have a different personality, when it is examined by psychologists. Rather than coming from two different planets, Mars and Venus, we appear to be simmilarily different from the stereotyped "normal", which is after all nothing but an average.

Now if the ink blots were my greatest epifany then I'd say the second one was the examinations during sperm banking, which made me aware of certain biologic variations. One being that I'm exactly the same height as the women in my family, yet I am 17 cm shorter than my biologic brother.

"Nature loves variety, unfortunately society does not." (Milton Diamond)


Tippe

[ggina]

Being normal is being average. I gave up on being like that sooo long ago. I'm a woman, and a very different one at that!

g

[rejennyrated]

Being normal is being average. I gave up on being like that sooo long ago. I'm a woman, and a very different one at that!

g

+1 on that!

I reject the whole idea that I am an aberrance absolutely!

I have no problems accepting my nature - I'm delighted to be a custom model!

[KittyClaw]

I reject the whole idea that I am an aberrance absolutely!

I have no problems accepting my nature - I'm delighted to be a custom model!

To me these two statements seem to cancel each other out... an aberration is a custom model, at least so far as I have understood it.

[rejennyrated]

To me these two statements seem to cancel each other out... an aberration is a custom model, at least so far as I have understood it.

Absolutely not. An aberration is something which happens by accident and is often an inferior mistake, whereas a custom model is something carefully planned and specially designed for a special purpose.

It's the old glass half empty versus glass half full thing. I stress the positives.

[Sarah_aus]

Being normal is being average. I gave up on being like that sooo long ago. I'm a woman, and a very different one at that!

g

This! - Who wants to be normal anyway?

~Tali

[VeryGnawty]

Normalcy is so last millenium.

If normalcy were a cake, IT WOULD BE  A LIE!!

[Octavianus]

Normal...
Normal is defined as a range around the average of a certain population. You can use a normal distribution pictured as a bell curve to illustrate this:

The line in the center is what is defined as avarage, the area below the curve represents a part of the population with a certain deviation to "avarage".
This can be applied to numerous cases, for example the weight of babies or the test scores of a group of students.
When you get to the extremes of the graph you get to what is "abnormal" (I don't like this word) and it is clearly visible that this includes a much smaller number of people than in the middle of the graph.
What I am trying to say is that everybody is different and that what is considered normal is only because a large part of the population is like this. It does not say anything about your qualities as a human being. Diversity is what makes life so beautiful and interesting. Don't try to be normal, but be yourself.

Variety is the spice of life.

[ggina]

that's my boobs 3 months from today

Anyway nice graph you have Octavianus, but luckily what we're talking about here cannot really be measured in any meaningful way. And I like that

Apart from this, you're absolutely right on the spot of course. There's no reason to be normal or "abnormal" (brrr) just for the sake of it.

g

[Izumi]

The Desire to be Normal

http://everquestingmind.wordpress.com/2010/09/10/the-desire-to-be-normal/
by lorelei
9/10/10

I guess in essence this is kinda what transition is all about. No one really grows up thinking "oh, maybe I'll change genders, just for a lark". 'We' have a deep-seated desire, nay, a knowledge even, that some variable in our minds and our preferred methods of social expression are hampered or even prohibited by the strictures of a biology-imposed behaviour system. This desire, or knowledge, will at some stage reach critical level, the point at which disparity between what the mind craves and what our bodies allow us to do in society is overwhelming.

And so we set out to achieve normality, or at the least, as close a resemblance to normality as might be achieved. The downside of this is, that it is all an utter illusion and totally unachievable.

Sorry, i may be the odd one out but this BS to me.  It seems just because your experiences are like this, you assume others are exactly the same way.  Let me tell you a counterpoint.

#1) normal as in how?  If you define normal as being born an XX female, your wrong because AIS women (XY women) are born everyday.  The grow up with total immunity to testosterone, and actually look, and are women to the point of even reproductive organs, although sterile.  One would call this an intersex condition but it is enough to make you question what a man and a woman is.  XY women are women, nothing man about them except their chromosomes, so why is it that you perceive a TS XY woman as not one?  why do you think they cannot live a normal life? TS is really just a milder version of AIS, instead of effecting the whole body it effects only the brain and nervous system.  So if your brain is female and your body is male what does that make you? I think we all know the answer.

Lets just compare TS women to GG women

Reproduction : both can be born sterile or become sterile in life, women are even born without a vagina in some cases, or uterus, or ovaries or a mix of all that.

Looks:  TS women can look and sometimes do look better then GG women, the same is also true in reverse

Surgery for enhancement: Women (all women) get surgery because they dont like how something looks on their body, SRS is the same in that respect, we get it for the same reasons, we dont like how we look.  Women that have no vagina also have surgeries to correct that.

Children: Both can breastfeed, both can raise children, both can adopt when they cannot have children of their own.  Obviously TS women cannot bare children, at least not yet~ but when they can so will GG women that cannot have kids as well so no change there. 

Relationships: Both can and have gotten married and have normal relationships (str8 or gay/lesbian)

Medicine: both have to see an ob/gyn

Mental: Both are women mentally, recent tests using brain imaging shows TS woman's brain lights up the same as a GG, and in most cases not like a male brain.

Life: Both can have jobs and/or raise a family and be productive members of society.

Really there is nothing i have found that make TS women different from GG women, except maybe before surgery obviously, but after, none.  Some may argue bone structure but that is untrue women are born with broad shoulders and men are born with narrow... genetics, if you say on average hips are bigger and such sure, i will give you that but its not the case for all women, and a TS woman who takes hormones early on will have similar bone growth to GG women to the point of being indistinguishable.

If you think surgery cant make you a normal woman your wrong.  I will use my case as an example.  I am pre-op and live a perfect normal life, its not an illusion, its reality, its what i strove for, the only thing and I mean the ONLY thing that reminds me different is the thing between my legs, and when its gone, that will be that, it wont be an illusion, and it even isnt now.  I go to work, have friends, and even have a fiance that is straight, we intend to adopt children in a few years and I will also be a mom.  Getting surgery to correct a body defect is NORMAL for women.  They do it all the time, breast augmentation, Lipo, mole removal, etc..  Getting SRS is no different to me then getting a mole removed, just its a really expensive one heh.  Once that is done my self image will be much much better.  I dont see myself as TS, i never will, I am a woman suffering from TS.  Like blindness or any other thing you might be born with you have to overcome it to live a normal life, and when i say normal i mean whatever is normal for you.  My normal isnt an illusion, its pretty damn real, and when I come out of my SRS next year, it will stay that way.  You dont have to take my word for it, you can ask my fiance, a guy that didnt know i was TS and still fell in love with me just the same as he would a GG.  He has never seen me as anything other then a real woman, so why should I see myself as anything but one as well? 

Thats all i wanted to say. Some people, live normal lives outside of embracing being TS, and some like me, hate it with a passion, to embrace it makes me cringe.  I am not defined by the congenital defects i carry.

[ggina]

Izumi, not to fire up the topic, but we might be talking about wholly different things here

I agree that the author of the essay shouldn't have generalized her case over the entire TS population. This part is definitely wrong, she obviously wanted to say something big, instead of only keeping to her own impressions. But apart from this, the rest might be totally true for the author and maybe for some other people too who just happen to feel the same way.

And although I too don't take myself as an 'aberrance' and don't want to be taken like that by anybody, I don't think I can ever live a normal life like, for example, you seem to be living - and that's because the damage of the last 25 years of mental suffering which has taken its toll on my brain, or my soul, or whatever. I had to grow up differently, had to live differently, had to communicate, had to think and act differently from everyone else. Yes, both of us may get the surgery some day and for you it'll be like the previous years didn't even existed but for me I just can't believe I can ever forget them, they're just so blueprinted. I'll just do my best to correct a mistake I've been born with and if my life will be just a notch better by doing that, I'll say it's worth it but I don't expect to be a different person starting with a clean slate. But honestly, I don't really know what a normal life is like so I don't think I should even attempt at living one.

And guess what, despite all this, I'm still a woman. TS is a medical/social term, others may say that about me but I don't use it to describe myself; I'm a woman, no more, no less. Just like the author herself, who says at the end of the essay, that she's finally embracing womanhood - not TS-hood, but womanhood. Women, just like anybody else, have the right, or just simply can be different, and they don't have to be TS to be like that. And you must know that very well as you mentioned somewhere that you're a geeky girl, which is different enough, at least for most people

You recite a number of physical items and compare GG women to TS. But this is not nearly at all about those, those things are only some of the external signs of womanhood, but the essay is more about the internals. You might not have any conflicts within yourself - good for you. But not everybody is like that and I felt deeply touched by this writing, as recently I have come to very similar conclusions on my own.

If you think surgery cant make you a normal woman your wrong

And who said that? In fact, there's the exact opposite written in there.

g

[Octavianus]

Dear Izumi, you have put your thoughts into words in a very clear way. I think much depends on what the personal definitions of certain words are.
The meaning of "normal" is most often very personal. What one considers as normal might not be so for another. It all depends on what population you take to define it. When viewed on a planet wide scale, I don't think "normal" can actually be defined for the simple fact that there are countless different cultures and lifestyles. it is very possible that you end up with something that is statistically normal, but is not representative for anybody.
So when we look at this particular subject you can indeed say that transsexual people can most definately live normal lives (A shame this is not true for all), but does that mean that they themselves are normal? This once again is dependant of what you see as normal. Personally, I would say yes but when viewed nationwide I would say no.
For example, I have small lungs leaving me unable to use a lot of power over short times like in a sprint. It was diagnosed at the late age of 12. Why? Because I always thought it was normal so I never complained about it.

You wrote that you don't see yourself as TS, but as a woman suffering from TS. Forgive me for asking, but what is the exact difference between these 2?
My girlfriend is a woman and that is how I have always seen her. But I also acknowledge the fact that she is TS, just like I would acknowledge it if a certain person is blind, or like you say has a zit. Is this a bad thing to do?  Having a certain condition or defect does not make a person any less of a man or woman. There is a large difference between acknowledging certain traits and puting labels on people to identify them by.

Normal ≠ positive
Abnormal (shudder) ≠ negative

I am not defined by the congenital defects i carry.

That is a undenieable thruth

[Dawn D.]

Well, if there's one thing she is right about, it's that she is highly opinionated. Then again so am I. So there, we're even!

Where do I even begin!

First, as an amalgamation of her own quest, I take no issue with her opinion. However, when it is referenced to a population as a whole (which she did do); that we're never going to be normal, or we weren't born into the wrong body, or surgery will not correct that which we know was a mistake in the first place; these topics are completely subjective and only definable to the person that is facing the prospect.

For myself, and myself only, I know that living a "normal" life is possible. How much more proof does one need? I certainly do not require any further qualification to make that determination! Let me just provide a short list of things I consider to be normative in today's society:

1. I hold a job
2. I own a business
3. I employ people
4. My business is now growing
5. I'm married to the most incredible woman in the world(nearly 31 years and happily)
6. I have a loving family and very loving and supportive friends
7. I am a member of a major service organization (starts with a "K", but doesn't end with one, lol)
8. I don't get heckled or harassed when out in public
etc.

So, is this normal? It is in my life! It may not be in the authors. And it may not be for a large number of people on this board. However one defines normal though, is how that person's vision of normal is, plain and simple.

I am not "emotionally" damaged as the author states I should or would be. And, I am veerrryyy capable in my own power, thank you! The author seems to think that the only way to achieve the happiness of normality is to transition early on in life. I beg to differ! I didn't begin to transition until I was 50. Not exactly a spring chicken. And, I am not so caught up in the estimation of how well I pass in public to gauge my life as to how normal it is. Whether people know I am trans or not is of no consequence to me. It's the confidence I have in myself that creates the success of a life of "normality".


Dawn

[Izumi]

Dear Izumi, you have put your thoughts into words in a very clear way. I think much depends on what the personal definitions of certain words are.
The meaning of "normal" is most often very personal. What one considers as normal might not be so for another. It all depends on what population you take to define it. When viewed on a planet wide scale, I don't think "normal" can actually be defined for the simple fact that there are countless different cultures and lifestyles. it is very possible that you end up with something that is statistically normal, but is not representative for anybody.
So when we look at this particular subject you can indeed say that transsexual people can most definately live normal lives (A shame this is not true for all), but does that mean that they themselves are normal? This once again is dependant of what you see as normal. Personally, I would say yes but when viewed nationwide I would say no.
For example, I have small lungs leaving me unable to use a lot of power over short times like in a sprint. It was diagnosed at the late age of 12. Why? Because I always thought it was normal so I never complained about it.

You wrote that you don't see yourself as TS, but as a woman suffering from TS. Forgive me for asking, but what is the exact difference between these 2?
My girlfriend is a woman and that is how I have always seen her. But I also acknowledge the fact that she is TS, just like I would acknowledge it if a certain person is blind, or like you say has a zit. Is this a bad thing to do?  Having a certain condition or defect does not make a person any less of a man or woman. There is a large difference between acknowledging certain traits and puting labels on people to identify them by.

Normal ≠ positive
Abnormal (shudder) ≠ negative
That is a undenieable thruth

Normal is a relative term obviously.

In my country the normal curve is typically career, marriage, maybe children later.  Obviously some people fail but all seem to strive for a dream that is similar, so i too strive for it.  To some, especially from other countries it might seem boring, a simple home, a husband, some children to look after, but that is my dream just the same and is considered to be quite a normal dream by the population i live in.  Some would throw career into the mix, some would not.  My normal is what i see my friends do with their families, it is what is typical, albeit all have different lives, with different problems, but the dynamic seems mostly the same, and that is what i want and am close to achieving. 

As for being called a TS woman.  I hate that term really.  I prefer to say i am a woman suffering from TS because i never want to be defined and / or have a defect about me overshadow who i am as a person.  I am a woman first and TS is something i was born with and have to deal with.  To tell a blind person, oh hes blind even when he is capable of living a life which he overcame his blindness make everything about him about his blindness and not about the person.  In life i could be successful, i could do great things, but if someone found out, then i would just be referred to as that TS woman and everything about me would fall into place behind that one thing.  Which is why i hate it when people refer to me with TS before and after woman.   It takes something away from me, something that shouldn't be taken away.  To say i am a woman suffering from TS elevates my status as a person, saying I have to cope or deal with it, which makes me stronger as an individual, to say I am a TS woman is the exact opposite showing the condition runs my life and defines who i am, which is not the case.  I dont know if that makes sense or not, but to me it does.

Also a lot people mentioned that they cannot erase the past that it shaped them and is a part of them and the normal they want to live is imaginary.  To me this is kind of a silly notion because simply put the life i lived before wasnt real, IT was fake, IT was an act pulled off by years of conditioning to go against my very nature.  I lived as a made up person, because that is what i thought i had to do, that life, was the least normal of all.  Now I stopped acting, hung up the costume forever, and went back to my real life off stage.  My old life was pretend, the person didnt really exist, it was a made up character, living a made up life, why should i dwell on a character I played once in an ongoing play.  Sure there were good times and bad, but any long running series has that, but eventually its time to retire the show, and get out of show business ^_^, toward the end my ratings were down anyway.

^_^
 

[ggina]

toward the end my ratings were down anyway.

That's a good one, I like it

As for the definition of what "normal" is, I too think that's highly opinionated and thus not worthy of a meaningful discussion.

You're talking about living a normal life and I'm sure it's possible, why wouldn't it be? But let me stress it again, the essay is not about that, even the author writes she's managed to live a life like that. What the essay is about is the following:

But you can't escape the knowledge of your own formation.

We've all been through that role playing you mentioned. But not we're not made of the same material; we're different on how we can cope with our past, this role playing. To say an example, I was probably more sensitive than the usual and as a result I became a kind of an artist-like person. However, I strongly doubt that I'd be the very same person if I happened to not born with GID. But I can live a normal life just as anybody else can (like, I want to raise children) but I won't ever be a normal person and I accept that. Whatever that means

g

[Octavianus]

Thank you for explaining, Izumi. I never looked at it that way, it sounds reasonable. It is a true art to see the positive side of things for which I applaud you.
It is indeed very annoying when people refer to others by their properties or conditions. I don't really understand why they do so, is there a need to put labels on other people? Maybe they think being negative about others will elevate their own status. On the other hand, most of the times it is not meant to be negative. Human behavior is a difficult subject which makes me glad I am not a psychologist.

Your last line reminds me of a phrase the ancient Romans used to announce the end of a play: "Acta est fabvla" (The show is over)

[ggina]

We all need labels. Otherwise the world would be too complex for us to understand

g

[Jillieann Rose]

I have never found even one person I would call normal after I got to know them.
Normal is boring anyway.
The only thing normal that I have ever seen was a setting on a dryer.

Jillieann

[Tippe]

In life i could be successful, i could do great things, but if someone found out, then i would just be referred to as that TS woman and everything about me would fall into place behind that one thing.  Which is why i hate it when people refer to me with TS before and after woman.   It takes something away from me, something that shouldn't be taken away.  To say i am a woman suffering from TS elevates my status as a person, saying I have to cope or deal with it, which makes me stronger as an individual, to say I am a TS woman is the exact opposite showing the condition runs my life and defines who i am, which is not the case.  I dont know if that makes sense or not, but to me it does.

Well put! I agree that suffering from a condition, yet coping well, makes you a stronger person. On the other hand I think trying to hide the condition completely in the quest for normalcy makes your past somehow become a bit odd in others eyes, because you have different life experiences whether you acknowledge it or not.


Tippe