It has been a few months since I wrote much about what is going on in my life, so here goes:
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Outside of work and family, I've been full-time (full part-time?) for 2 months now, only resorting to male mode for those two groups. I'm fully out at the apartment now. It's odd to see people's reactions. Most haven't reacted at all, which isn't at all what I was expecting. Sure, I get some longer looks from people that have seen me regularly in male-mode these past 3 years, but otherwise nothing. No evil glares. No comments. No slurs. Not the nightmare I had feared it might be. Seeing the apartment manager as we passed in the hall was a but humorous. I see him maybe 3 times per year. At 12 paces he says hi, and I say hi. At 2 paces, he gets this oddly confused look on his face of, "wait a second...I know that person...but somethings different." Heh.
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The public in general, I just don't understand.
When I present in male-mode...everyone...customers, coworkers, family...they all see me as male.
When I go out and about as me...everyone accepts me as a woman. Well...except for the occassional 16-20 year old. I was at Goodwill last Saturday, and a father and son half-way across the store were arguing about whether I was or wasn't a woman (The 18 year old thought i wasn't, the dad thought I was.). Very rude, but almost funny in an odd way. I don't know...I've always thought about my body as being horribly masculine. I don't really do that much to alter my appearance; a little padding to accentuate certain areas, light makeup, some jewelry...but my base look, even my hairstyle, is exactly the same in both modes. Heck, usually I'm in jeans and a t-shirt. It kind of baffles me that I pass as well as I do. I don't get it. 8 months ago I was dressed much the same (+ a coat) and when people would pass within a couple paces I'd get the "Oh my God! That's a guy!" surprised look on a regular basis. Now? Well...I've been putting off going to certain places just because I was afraid of the reactions I thought I would get there. So I finally got the courage to do them this week. Yesterday I went to the mall (where there are tons of 16-20 year olds...pros at clocking me), and today I finally got the courage to use a busy womens public restroom. And...nothing. No reactions at all. Don't get me wrong...I'm happy about about it...very happy about it...but it baffles me to no end. I guess I'm just not seeing what everyone else is.
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It feels very odd to be in male-mode outside of work anymore. Like wearing a lizard-skin suit...just kind of..ugh. It's odd how you can do something for years, and you just kind of numb yourself to it. But after being yourself most of the time for a month straight, it gets hard to stomach anymore.
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Ah lets see....family. I'm still not out to any of them yet. I've been planning on coming out to my younger sister first, and have actually tried twice this Summer, but she always seems to be crazy busy whenever I try to. (Either that, or she has the habit of choosing horrible places for a private discussion.) I'm sure with all the hints I've dropped to her she knows that something is up...she just doesn't know what yet. Then it'll be my older sister, younger brother, and then my parents.
I have hope for all of them except my dad. Have to be careful with him...I really wouldn't put it past him to out me at work, so he'll be last.
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Work: Still not out there either. I figure in 5 months I'll have enough saved up to float on for a couple of months while I look for work if they fire me outright. 7 months from now they should finally promote me. (only excuse i was given last year was the poor economy, and that they weren't promoting anyone). *sigh* I don't really want to wait that long, but I figure it will be a lot harder for them to justify firing me...if they've just promoted me.
Of course, this probably also means that I'll have to delay telling my family. I'm kind of to the point that I just wish it (coming out) was all over, and I didn't have to wait for the opportune moment. If it weren't for my dad, I'd probably push more to come out to my family...but since all but my older sister live under my dad's roof, it's probably best to wait at this point. Big secrets like this don't have that long of a shelf life once out in the open, and things could get very messy if I'm not careful.
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Physical development has been very disappointing. I've been on HRT for 8 months now. I do like the subtle contour changes to my face and body, but they are so subtle and come so slowly, it is difficult to say what changes have really occured. Chest development has been...well...a bust (if you'll pardon the pun
). Before HRT I started at 45-42 (bust-underbust). First couple of months I thought they were growing, but I didn't really check on it. Measured at 6 months, it was 45-41. No real growth, just shrinkage of the rib cage. Then I thought it would be smart to double my exercising to try and lose weight (walking 6 miles per day). *sigh* Well that was a mistake. Lost 5 pounds (which I immediately gained back), lost an inch in the bust 44-41 (which didn't come back), and bulked up my leg muscles (same thing that made me quit cycling when I was 20). Blech. I need to find some exercise that will leave my poor bust alone. I'll probably change doctors after I come out at work to one that actually does blood tests (closest is 150 miles away in Chicago). I'd rather switch now, but if I lose my job, this may be all I can afford...and I don't want to burn any bridges that I may need later.
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Made some good friends at the local LGBT center in the past 6 months. Unfortunately they have to move away due to financial issues, so I'm starting at square one again with that. I may be taking over my friend's position as facilitator of the local trans group...and am a bit nervous about that. It's been a while (10 years) since I had to be that vocal, or since I was in-charge of anything like that. I'm usually pretty quiet. Very quiet. Could be good for me...but I worry that I may not be up to the task.
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*shrug* Well, that's about it. Not too exciting, but thought I should let y'all know how things are going.
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Kay
